Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

I have never used AI, but will look into it. Sounds interesting!

One of the things I have done while at my dad's place is to start to settle the affairs with an old family house that he now owns and wants to give to me, as I am his only child. It's old, need a ton of work and is in the countryside in a low cost area in another part of the country from where I live now, so just moving in isn't as easy as it sounds, but at least it's an opportunity to build my own life.

@QuaintCat I think I’d consider selling your dad’s gift and perhaps moving to that part of the world and buying somewhere small and manageable. Houses that need a lot of work can be absolute money pits, so whilst I appreciate it probably wouldn’t get you a studio flat in a more expensive area, you might get a nice one bed flat or a cute shoebox terrace if you stayed in the area of the inherited house, which you don't seem averse to. (Just a thought 🙂).

Popping in here. Have come into work today as I just cannot manage at home anymore, I am at breaking point. DH does nothing to help and I am drowning in ft job and imploding ehcp, pip and related DD stuff. He literally is clueless and the resentment is too much today. I agree with my needs never being met. And now I feel guilty for typing this.

@lostmywayrightnow The only way I can cope with the cluelessness is to act as if dh wasn’t there.
Not for everything. But the stuff I know Hes never going to ‘get’ (PIP, EHCP are good examples ….), I do it on my own. No input from him but more importantly, I’m not asking him what he thinks either.
Otherwise, yes the resentment of having to do somethimg hard all in your own when it should be a shared task just grows and grows. And eats at you. 😢😢

I have come to realise that it is so much easier doing on your own, rather than someone watching you do it on your own.

Thank you. You're probably right - therapy would be appropriate now. How did your husband react when you told him that you wanted a divorce?

Selling the house is one of the options. For the time, it could be a place where I can land, live on my own cheaply and figure out my next steps. I have adapted my life completely around my husband that I don't even know what I like to eat anymore.

That sounds like a great chance start again and begin rebuilding your life and confidence. Do it Quaint Cat!! Maybe you have a quaint cat you can take with you who would be a lovely companion.

you need to be alone but also with new opportunities to meet new people to rediscover yourself.

as for my DH, he’s accepted it. These emotionally avoidant men don’t fight for relationships. They wait to be left and us as givers and empaths, wait for too long to actually leave them. So it turns into he’ll for us. I’ve also had my self confidence eroded. We can’t seem to thrive with these men, only survive. They take all energy from us. If you were to get away you might feel significantly more energised and capable after a while.

DH is viewing a flat today one road away. Yes I feel guilty but I cannot forgive him for not taking me to A&E and then not visiting me in hospital. Or for all the rejections and dismissive behaviour to emotional bids I made over the years. So yes I do feel guilty but I’m putting myself, my health, my welfare first for the first time in 23 years. FINALLY.

@Mini2025 Congratulations on getting out, I am so happy for you. You deserve to think about yourself after being eroded in a relationship for 23 years.

"These emotionally avoidant men don’t fight for relationships" is so spot on when it comes to my husband. I think that he will be upset that his maid, personal assistant, kitchen appliance and emotional support animal has left, but that's about it. It's very dehumanising to be reduced to a function in a relationship.

Buying a cat is on my bucket list as soon as I am out. I miss having a pet terribly. I have also wanted a male beagle companion all my life, so that's another thing on my bucket list. I am sure he'll appreciate me a lot more than my husband. :)

A question to you all.

Do you feel your dh are avoidant on the top of being autistic?
I know dh is and I find it somehow harder to deal with than the autism itself. (Even worse his avoidance turns into PA).
But I’m wondering if this is a quite common ‘association’ (for want of a better word), maybe because it’s one ‘easy’ way to protect themselves from hurt linked to their disability.

@QuaintCat a pet (or two) sound like a good plan.
Id for the same if I was well enough to look after one!

100% avoidant with an avoidant attachment style. Probably deeply rooted in trauma from childhood. My DH can make friends no problem so that wasn’t an issue, school was fine but he was effectively abandoned by his parents from a young age, even though he lived with them and was raised by them.

I think it goes with the territory though. They shut down when things go wrong, they find it hard to discuss emotions or be vulnerable. Things, objects, policies etc are much easier to discuss.

I’m sure my dh is neurodivergent as our kids are neurodivergent. And if I say it to dh he takes it as an insult.
im just wondering if these things happen because he’s austistic.
Dh and DS went shopping to look at things for DS for Xmas. DS of course picks an item that cost £500. Dh goes and puts a deposit on it without any discussion about the cost of it and whether I agree with spending that amount.
this happens all the time. I happened before I mentioned dd needed a new phone and next minute dh had ordered her a new expensive phone for her birthday without discussion the cost of our budget.
im fed up of no communication of these things.
i got annoyed a call dh a name out of frustration which I shouldn’t of done.
but now he is annoyed with me saying this is why men don’t do things because nothing is good enough and they shouldn’t even bother then,
is this all part of autism, not communicating about financial things, making decisions on his own etc,

No that in itself is nothing to do with ASD. That's to do with him being an idiot who is acting on pester power and not taking your wishes into account. You've called him out on this behaviour repeatedly too and he still does it.

What is your son doing picking out an item worth £500?. Is the deposit refundable?. Is he paying for part or any of this out of his own money?. Does your DD really need a new phone?. There are plenty of phones out there and the previous generation Apple or Samsung can now be picked up for far less than the original purchase price.

Why was a budget for Christmas presents for the DC not agreed beforehand between you?.

As Attila said, sorry he’s just being an idiot/knob my DH always discusses stuff with me, doesn’t do inappropriate purchases. We act as a team, especially for big ticket items.

It’s a control or impulsivity problem. Do you earn the same amount/share an account?

He sounds a bit petulant and childlike. Then blames you and a whole sex for his short comings.

presents for kids of that level of expense are joint decisions

I’m at Sahm but I’ve full access to all money.
he said he was just trying to take the load off for me and was trying to do something helpful.
now he’s feeling all hard done by that I’m annoyed

@Londonboyxxx i think it very much depends on WHY.
It can be autism - single minded, concentrating on things, getting a present fur ds, doesn’t think about context.
DH is dreadful in financial decisions because of that. He is unable to think about all the different possibilities and weigh them. Too many of them. Too overwhelming. Think executive function issues.
If he has any issues with working in partnership, putting himself in your shoes etc… he might struggle with a discussion around money because it involves taking into account a pov that’s different (see too black agd white thinking etc…l) And the further away you are from each other of your attitude towards money, the harder it will be. I mean I’ve seen dh getting panicky because I wasn’t going with his choice to choose a pizza ….. Deciding a lamp fitting for the kitchen is impossible because our tastes are so different etc…..

Equally, he might be avoidant and would prefer to simply to just do things his way wo involving you.

Or he might just be a prat.

I think it’s his behaviour in other domain that will tell you which one it is.

I mean dh can do any of the 4. If his bandwidth is small, his autism will show up more. Shopping would have been a trigger for dh. Too much people, the noise, lights. All of that quickly puts him on edge and he’ll go for the quickest solution wo thinking (so in your case, let’s get that toy and I can be out, thank god).
So all the executive function issues, inability to negotiate etc etc, all of that will be heightened too.

The thing is, one autistic person might be able to negotiate big financial decisions. They might not be impulsive etc…
And then another ND person might struggle with all of that due to their ND.

Thats what can make it so hard to see what’s being ND and what’s being an arse.
But I think what we shouldn’t do is automatically assume it’s them being a twat.

It doesn’t mean we have to accept it btw. I think having clear rules re money is a good idea. And those decisions should be taken together etc…. I’m just really uncomfortable with shaming someone when disability might be at the root.

I totally agree with you. Here we need to have very clear ground rules/boundaries/parameters for everything. If not then anything is a possibility. 🙈

My husband is also very demand avoidant in fact I'd query PDA if I'm honest. It's exhausting but I seem to have found the knack of how best to get him to help out.

He could be an idiot and be ND, I’m wary of giving people free passes for poor behaviour because of being ND, it should never be an excuse for thoughtless or harmful behaviour. Only @Londonboyxxx knows which is more likely. The problem here is explaining to him why his approach isn’t helpful when he feels he should be being praised and not criticised.

Just saying hello Everyone.

DH has Asperger’s. Can be difficult at times! Been together almost 19 years

@Pashazade the way you explain that to him will depend on what’s at the root doesn’t it?
My experience is that, once you’ve found the root (and what angle works), then things flow and what was impossible fir dh to get suddenly became much more obvious.

@FlamingoFloss 👋👋
Welcome to the thread.
Ive been with dh nearly 26 years 🫣🫣. I can’t say it’s been that easy either.

The latest episode of The hidden 20% is him and his wife talking. I think it will resonate with many here.
The comments after the video are also very interesting, ranging from horror, sympathy, to suggesting the wife is being manipulative.