Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

Marking place. Thank you MangeTout.

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Thanks @SpecialMangeTout3 , yes I've told DS that he should all Google/AI in first instance when he's stuck, eg 'How do I work out a mean number?' or 'What was agreed in the Treaty of Versailles?' or whatever. I reminded him the computer cannot get angry at him for asking!

Also I think DH is thinking of only helping on medicated days or if it's the weekend, only when he's got energy and is in the right mood.

Thank you for the new thread 😊 @SpecialMangeTout3

Waves at everyone 👋👋

@Echobelly if your ds goes down the AI route, it might be worth showing him how to get the best out of it (so he needs to specify in which year he is, Whixh curriculum as they can vary) so he has some answers that are relevant to him.
If the coursework is on file, he can download that and ask for summaries, questions to test him etc… too

Kids are 17 and 14. They’re aware of the what’s happening and why as I wasn’t at home due to being in hospital for 6 weeks. They’re very aware of the dynamic as they’ve lived through it themselves for so long. DH very critical. Do it this way or that way, no that’s the wrong way, here let me do it plus associated frustration/strop. Constant hyper vigilance around money and spending money even though there is plenty.

Good news is that today he’s said he’s looking at flats and seen a couple online that might be ok. So he’s obviously planning an exit fairly soon.

i do have the odd wobble. He’s being nice at the moment. Not commenting on things or stropping.

But mr nice guy never lasts. I am terrified in some ways of being alone. I have this belief I’ll crumble once he’s gone as he’s the ‘strong one’. Yes he’s strong: routines, exercise and looking after himself. He’s weak on emotional labour, family support, domestic help. I’ve been the strong one there.

and yes, we’re so caught deep in the trenches of holding it all together, doing it alone for so long we never ask “what do you need Mini?”

It always about everyone else and what they need. You minimise yourself to fit the dynamic to keep things stable, looking out forever everyone else but yourself.

I’ve been chatting to chatGPT about my relationship and it said this:

Emotional deprivation rewires your beliefs about what you need
When someone gives you:

• stability but not comfort
• routine but not affection
• presence but not support
• tolerance but not care
• loyalty but not partnership

your mind begins to think: “This must be all I’m allowed to have.” So the idea of losing even that feels terrifying. Not because it’s good. Because you’ve been starved for so long that any food feels necessary. This is trauma logic: “Better the predictable pain than the unknown.”

I’ve found in between therapy sessions it to be so helpful.

Your kids are the same age as mine @Mini2025

Good luck with everything - hold fast, you are doing the right thing.

I've been looking a bit into further education for youngest (the one with ADHD) - the only idea he has for the future is something working with animals and I looked at degree apprenticeships around this. The first thing that came up was one with the work based at a mini zoo in a park near us as well as at another one also in NW London. Would probably be an absolute dream for DS at the moment... I'm wondering about suggesting it to him as something to aim for academically, to give him some motivation? I will have to run it past DH before I do that, but I'm just trying to think of ways to motivate DS as his last round of test results was not great.

@Echobelly that sounds good, might be worth checking if you have any local agricultural colleges, they often do more generalised animal care.
Anyone got any tips for letting it roll off you when they get angry/thumpy/annoyed because they’ve done something daft/accidental. I hate it DH gets so seethey. Not at me intentionally but it just rolls off him like mood waves. It throws me so much and takes a good couple of hours for me to decompress/regulate again after.

@Echobelly

Marine biology?

Has he watched My Octopus Teacher? I think the man in film is ND. Almost certainly.

Volunteering at a local vet’s? Rescue centres?

I was also going to suggest local agriculture colleges too. He could have a small holding when he’s older with some special goats and make a fancy unique cheese! You could go on a small holding course together maybe?

Making our kid’s experience of the future feel real now can be motivating. It gives them something to work towards rather than some aimless grade.

@Pashazade not what I’ve done but now I think it’s best to walk away. That’s what I’d do now to protect myself. Let them have their strop. They’ll self regulate fine without you there. It’s amazing how quickly they’re from 0 to 100 and back to 0. You meanwhile are at 90 for hours after… but. You don’t need to be the emotional buffer. It’s really quite toxic for your nervous system, especially long term. So just remove yourself subtly with an excuse. You probably couldn’t do it every time but if I was staying (which I’m not) that’s what id do now, knowing what I know now.

Thanks for ideas - we're quite near Capel Manor, where my nephew did a course last year, and it's definitely on out 6th form list. I think it's a good back up if his grades don't turn out great and will in the least give time to work out options.

Brings me to another thing - I was talking to DS about having different options and he aid to me 'Mum, to be honest the way you are talking is like you already think I'm going to fail', which obviously made me feel awful. I'm not sure how to talk to him about exam performance - it was easy with DC1 as we just didn't need to talk about it, it was always going to go well. It was the same with me and my siblings growing up, no one even had to talk about it - we were all clearly going to get good GCSES and A-levels and go to uni.

It's hard with DS as he might not do well... or he might. We need to talk about options without making it seem like we think he will do badly and I just don't know how to talk to him about this. I don't want him to think we think he will fail - it is just we honestly do not know how he will do at this stage - nor would I want to set up an idea that we expect a minimum Grade blah from him either. DH has probably got this better than I do in that has told DS he think he's capable of getting good grades. But at the moment I think we have to be honest and say he is going to have to put in and sustain a lot more work to get there.

I tell myself again and again
’This is not mine. This is not mine to carry’.
And then concentrate on whatever I’m doing.
I’ve also been known to just wear my headphones with noise cancelling.

Yeah, it's frustrating when it feels like the anger is whipping you long after he seems to have forgotten about it. In my case I did eventually realise it didn't mean that much and it was a momentary explosion but it's still hard for the kids and not fun to endure.

Hello. I’ve been a lurker for a long time but want to say hi to you all. It’s been a funny old day, you know when you get layer upon layer of everything placed upon you, all except for your own needs being met and you realise that you need to prioritise yourself but haven’t the energy today to start?

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I’m generally a bit poorly today.

Thanks folks, I got an apology later, he’s not sure why he got quite so wound up! I think walking away might be the best option. So hard in the moment though. Hey ho.

👋👋 @TrendingAntiTrend

Yep I know exactly what you mean about never having your needs met whilst everyone else is. Worse I feel, if you have younger children.

It’s very hard to fight against that. Both because of the external pressure and becayse, for a long time, I felt awful prioritising myself above others. It just felt selfish. 🫣🫣

I have spent two months away from my husband. I had to go to a different part of the country to help my dad who is in the early stages of dementia.
Having the physical and mental distance has been quite eye opening for me, not in a good way.

I have spent 20 years with a man who has zero care about me, my needs, wishes or dreams. He is only interested in not getting disturbed in his own little bubble that consists of getting up, eating breakfast without me interfering so I usually stay in bed until he has left, walking to work, coming home at the exact time that suits him that particular day, faff around and have a shower without me being in the way, lay down to "decompress", graciously agree to eat dinner - if I have cooked, he won't - at the exact time that suits him, and then spend the rest of his evening on the couch watching football and eating a shopping bag full of things that is bad for his blood sugar and weight.
Repeat. Every day for 20 years.

Weekends are not much better.

It's like the distance has made reality sink in for me and I don't really know how to process it all. I get flashbacks from 10-15-20 years ago, situations that he has ruined or when he completely has ignored my needs, his future faking and empty promises, and I have been walking around fuming for the last weeks.
I have also shrunk myself as a person, my hobbies are gone, my physical needs have been neglected or eradicated (not talking about s*x, more things like buying proper clothes, having a hobby, space) and it's like I don't exist as a person anymore.

It's a lot to unpack and I realise that therapy would be appropriate now, but I don't have the time or the headspace to do it right now.

Any advice on how to process my situation right now and try to make a plan to move forward, both short term and long term?
Right now I feel stuck in anger and resentment, both justified, but I need to move forward.

Go and see a financial advisor and see what your financial position is as a couple and on your own.

I agree figure out the finances and then perhaps see if you can pick up an old hobby or two, reconnect with old friends, if you just drifted then most people are happy to reconnect, there’s rarely malice in those situations just a bit of sad that things drifted. Stop doing stuff for him, live for your here and now.

Also if you can’t do therapy now, I found AI quite helpful.
You need to set the parameters though to avoid the automatic ‘yes you’re right’. But I found it usually pretty spot on, helpful to get clarity too.
What it doesn’t do is being another person you can process it all with. Only a therapist can do that.

Fwiw I think it’s worth doing something about the situation now, before it starts feeling ‘normal’ again and you stop feeling the need to tackle it, whatever way feels right to you.

QuaintCat, therapy was the thing that got me to make a plan and lit the fire under me.

Id say it’s crucial for bringing to light everything you need to do to take action.

After 3 sessions I told my husband we were separating. After six sessions I gave him a move out date.

my homework from my seventh session is to ask him for a breakdown of financial assets and provide a 50/50 split.

This sent me into a tailspin as he’s never disclosed anything to me financially.

Talk to a solicitor. Get a recommendation if you can. Pay for an hour or two and get some advice. I’ve done this and it’s very helpful and gave me much more confidence to push through with it.

Divorce is just really about splitting finances. Not much else.

Congrats on deciding you’re worth more. I empathise with the feeling of having disappeared.

it’s time to live life on your terms, not someone else’s.

We're not legally married, so there aren't any finances to split. My biggest issue right now is that I have struggled with health problems for over a decade, making it impossible to work. Not properly diagnosed because the doctors couldn't find anything and they thought that I was young and looked healthy, but chronic fatigue, like waking up with the flu every day.

Living with my husband, struggling with my health and having to do absolutely everything in our household, hadn't exactly helped my recovery, but I'm ok now, although no savings and no steady work.
I have to try to take one step at the time to solve all of the above before I can move forward. It's a huge mess and I can't understand how I ended up here - I have a good education and used to be so organised, neat and having everything in order. Including work and finances.

Thank you, that's really good advice. I have actually bought a few things for myself during black week and have booked a couple of Christmas related activities with an old friend. It's small, but not things I usually do.

I have also started to buy my own Christmas presents - at least I will get something I want and not something my husband has bought in a panic.

Have also made a list of checkups, dentist appointments and going to get my eyes checked and buy new glasses. Hope I will follow through with them this time. I have been too exhausted to do anything the last years, after my mother died and I had to dig her estate and my dad's house out of a complete mess.