Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
__
This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
__
It's complicated and it's emotional.
__
The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

Lovely and considerate! How you feel just isn’t in his head space. He’s just doing what he wants based on what he thinks. Unfortunately it’s always biased towards self. Maybe he’s avoiding you because moving is stressful and full of emotions or maybe he just hasn’t considered anything. I mean why would you need anything and why does is effect you….doh!

@Theydontwantmeyou are correct- it’s not in his head how will effect me, as he thinks it shouldn’t affect me, and he’s always right, so therefore it’s a me problem and as such not his responsibility to sort out. I feel I am going mad 😠 x

Yeah he’s missing the fundamental rules of a healthy relationship. You don’t get to choose and don’t need to understand how the other person responds but you show up anyway.

I find the arrogance really off putting. There is no right and wrong there is only what we tolerate. I fell into that trap with my ex as he always told me I over reacted so I took that as fact. It wasn’t my over reaction that was the problem it was him. Many women would put your partner in his place, autistic or not. We just get conditioned to tolerate it because “they can’t help it”. He isn’t a good partner. He can be good other things but not partner.

@Theydontwantmeagain spot on -he is a good dad, step dad, son, brother, but partner - no, not capable of. We spoke this morning and I said I don’t appreciate the name calling. His response but you push me to
as that’s how you react. I said but when you say your words :actions that push me to behave that way-apparently I am gas lighting him. Sorry all coming out in a jumble my head is all over the place.
I am not going to work on this:him
anymore - I am putting my energy into my exit plan. Thank you so much for replying xx

They say we meet intimate partners not with our adult self but as our child’s nervous system. Sometimes it’s just not right and we set off each other. I am guilty of trying to always place blame but our bodies know when it’s not right.

In my own case it’s my own mother with whom our nervous systems miss match. Its awful when you want it to work, it should work, it works for others but just not for us. If only we listened to ourselves! I hope you allow yourself some grace, he just isn’t able to meet you where you are. It’s not you.

My partner hoards. It’s driving me absolutely nuts. His mother tells me to let it go. Now putting on the understanding that people avoid uncomfortable feelings this could be the reason for the hoarding. He has no idea what to keep or throw and to avoid this he keeps it all. I challenge him on it and he gets really upity. I don’t mind to some extend but it tends to spoil things that are mine and the kids when stuff is pulled on each other. Avoidance is a really issue it seems. I don’t tend to avoid, im a just get it over but im going to be loud about it person. How can you get through that things needs to be thrown away?

@Theydontwantme so true - my mother is a narcissist- explains more 😔

@Theydontwantme omg - my partner is a horder - I think with the move it’s shone a spot light on this behaviour. He can’t just get rid of things ie 6 dirty tooth brushes that came out of a previous house 3 years ago. He couldn’t throw them at the point of move, so they went into a box, said box is now moving again as he’ll make a decision at the other end!!! I do challenge and he also gets uppity - than says he gets stuck in the moment and can’t throw it away as his brain doesn’t work that way. 😩 he has no problem getting rid of my stuff - which says it all! 😡

It is understandable but very selfish. Their need to control anxiety is giving me anxiety. I have asked that the garage is sorted in a way that I can get in to get kids bikes etc as currently it’s un safe. So they can’t have their things because he needs to keep everything. 3 people shouldn’t miss out because of him.

@Theydontwantmeit is so selfish but they can’t see anyone else’s needs above their own. They don’t see thier coping mechanisms to manage their anxiety makes the other people in the house life’s difficult. My partner also can’t “see” how much stuff there is in the garage. So if I said I can’t get to the bikes, he can’t understand why… to him there is loads of room!

I’m up to my sodding eyeballs with inconsiderate people lol. Two ND kids whom I’m trying to teach about the importance of considering others, there’s 2 people in a relationship, if you cant consider the other persons take on a situation then you going to find yourself alone and not liked. I’ve literally just been upstairs trying to talk to my oldest that the world doesn’t stop where she ends as she’s had a falling out and won’t admit to being at fault. The other person very clearly thinks otherwise and she has definitely been rude. Trying to teach her that the other person is human and allowed to have feelings about her behaviour…..this is going to kill me! Being at fault literally confuses their brain, they’d rather loose everyone and burn the relationship then just admit and apologies!!!

There’s every chance your daughter is feeling deep shame at being in the wrong and so it is easier to deflect than accept. Explain it’s normal to feel bad but stepping up to it makes the discomfort go away much faster. If she’s ADHD then it may be worth taking a look at Rejection Sensitivity Disphoria, it just explains the extreme responses very well. It might not be as extreme as RSD but it does give you a handle on some of the responses they give. I feel it’s worth picking this apart for our children to give the insight and hopefully understanding as they get older.

It is definitely all of what you have written. She is in deep pain about the situation but she is point blank adamant she has done nothing and flips it into saying the other person is a very bad person. There is no way that this is true. I will try and talk again tomo as in that state she isn’t regulated at all. I always tell her feeling pain is normal. No one can even have a single relationship and not make mistakes, it’s what we do next that matters. Unfortunately she burns the whole thing to the ground in that moment. She absolutely hates receiving consequences for anything but that can’t be avoided. In my head we learn from mistakes, we learn not to do it again. She doesn’t learn ever as it’s always the other person.

It is interesting how I note he always often seems to have to blame people for something, like if something gets broken that is old and a bit battered he's like 'Which of the kids broke this?' rather than accepting that it was old and battered and might well have just fallen apart in normal use rather than anyone being at fault.

In better news, we had parents' evening tonight and we had good feedback around a lot of things for DS. His teacher for his BTech subject thinks he's really turned himself around and should get a better mark on his second project. His science teacher let us know his physics mark for his first 'one year to go to GCSEs' tests and he was a bit disappointed but I was quite pleased - it's his weakest science, so if that's likely to be his lowest one, his overall science mark should be quite good. I think it's also prepared us that DS probably won't manage to do the tests that involved extensive writing (Eng Lang and Lit, History) yet, but in some ways he is making progress.

@Echobelly it’s worth remembering that he’s got another year of maturing to go and some stuff may come easier next year. Glad the overall outlook is positive though.

Anyone have any ideas how to teach a child (10) about blame and shame? I can only imagine that she feels this extremely intense and uncomfortable. But not being able to say sorry to people is causing issues as she outright denies, projects and gets mean and cry’s her heart out currently.

What do you want her to learn @Theydontwantme ?

I think shame is a feeling so maybe not something you learn? Blame is often taught by parents (as in parents blaming the child)

How to help her stop spiralling so low when she does something. She will get very unkind, say the most awful things in the moment to her friends or teachers or myself. They are just everyday mistakes all kids make, eg interrupting at school etc. She says things like I don’t want to be alive which is so big considering how small the situation was (small to me that is not to her. I am very concerned at the level of deepness she takes it and it’s over everything. She can not ever see how the situation has come about so talking about it doesn’t work as she will say I did nothing. I don’t know how to help her learn that behaviour has consequences because she absolutely can’t do the consequence and she can’t understand how her behaviour causes it.

The only thing that works is to not tell her off for anything, but that is not fair on the person who’s been on the other end of her unkind behaviour. But telling her anything just causes her to explode into shame and she projects this outwards. So she’ll hurt someone, perhaps unintentionally they will tell her that they are hurt and she will then attack them for making her feel ashamed. I hope I’m making any sense. I have no idea how to deal with it really in a way that helps.

When DS gave me big emotional responses to minor stuff I would explain that his response was valid, ie you’re allowed to be upset but I would explain that on the scale of upsets this situation is more of a 5 rather than a 10 to try and give him some perspective. I also regularly talked to him about how our responses can upset other people, ie very loud and aggressive responses are not acceptable. Can you have a conversation when she’s calm or does she go from 0-100 if you bring it up at all? I’ve found it’s all about balance, yes emotions are allowed, trying to avoid masking, but we have to learn moderation, although teenage hormones are now causing some very big responses to very minor things, if I didn’t know better it would feel like he’s being a drama Queen!

I can’t talk to her without it re-starting. I can’t seem to find a way through. I agree it’s ok to have emotions but many times she perceives completely falsely, it’s like she is looking to start arguments constantly. It’s awful to think her peers don’t want her around anymore. She is very very unkind to them over everything. She is now saying she doesn’t want friends because everyone is bad to her. I’ve asked for another meeting at the school as I’m at a loss really. She doesn’t want the family she has because we all hate her (untrue) I am an enemy because I make her angry.

@Theydontwantme that’s so hard. I honestly don’t know how you cope with that other than just one foot in front of the other. Have you tried any of the various Facebook groups to see if any autistic adults can explain this from their childhood perhaps, it might give you an insight, although being NT they are scary groups to me, I haven’t gone near as I think I would be very unwelcome. Someone else may be able to recommend one, I know they’re out there.

I honestly thought being ND myself and she knowing I understand would help. I had no idea I was ND till 40 and no one understood or helped me. But it’s not really doing anything. Honestly it’s getting me down, this isn’t any version of motherhood I imagined. Both kids now telling me multiple times a day they hate me over any minor annoyance. I feel I don’t exist anymore in my house. I am told by people to ignore it but I have feelings and this is hard. We can’t go out as a family because they can’t even breathe next to each. If one wants something and I say no or we do something they don’t want at any particular time then the day is ruined, which is every day. Everyday is eggshells. The big one screams that she wished the youngest wasn’t born. The youngest has gone from wanting her big sister to obviously hating her.

@Theydontwantme that sounds really really hard.

Ive never had that level of intensity with dc2. But I learnt very quickly that punishing him was the worst thing I could do. So I didn’t (I didn’t punish dc1 either). Just told dc2 No if he was hitting his sibling first example and took him to a different room. Then wait for him to calm down.

My understanding of polyvagal theory is that, in a case like this, you might want to intervene, go Somewhere a bit quieter if you can and just stay with dc. No talking but being calm (co regulation) and using techniques yourself to calm down (concentrating in breath, fiddle toy etc….) so dc has an example of what to do themselves.

It might also be your dd would benefit from someone else teaching her ‘calming methods’ like breathing, counting, etc simply because she is getting closer to teenagehood and children/teenagers don’t take parents advice well 😁😁. We are and always be wrong.

Its not an easy one to crack really because, imo, ‘standard’ parenting advice doesn’t work.

Nothing works! Apart from absolutely everything going the way each of the kids individually wants….WHICH ISNT HUMANLY POSSIBLE…..you know what I need… some bloody family support. Someone to take them away for a few hours to give me time to reset so I can be a better parent…! But the whole bloody family also want to do what they want and supporting us is not on the cards. I’m going to go and bash my head against the wall!