Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

DS first 'one year to GCSE' test went OK he says - haven't asked more than that but it means at least he sat the whole thing, which is the important bit. DH was worried that he'd spin out and not sit it, but TBH, it was a science one and I think he's always managed those. Luckily he has a few weeks until his next one - this one had to be scheduled super early for some reason.

We have another appointment with ADHD therapist before that, as I mentioned. I think I want to say to DH that I think he can repair a lot of harm if he can just stay calm and positive this whole run of tests, no matter the outcome, so he doesn't contribute to anxiety. The best thing he can do for DS help him believe that he (DH) is not going to blow up at him about revision or tests.

In some ways, as I hoped, it helps that DH has a job now because he doesn't have the time and energy to 'help' or to get too involved and also maybe on some level he feels less insecure about himself and therefore less insecure about DS.

@Echobelly pleased to hear DS made it through and felt it went ok, all you can hope for really. Fingers crossed DH remains calm and accepting!

Welcome to the thread.

What support do you have in place?
I know you just continue on but something will give before too long.

I appreciate your husband is not in a good place but he can't just opt out of family life.
What does he do all day? Can he do some housework each day?
What medical treatment does he have to help him get better?

Come here when ever you need to.

Welcome!

I totally get the “I don’t get to burn out” feeling. I’m married to an autistic DH and we’ve been really struggling as a partnership since we had DC (now 5 and 8, eldest likely autistic too but awaiting assessment) as he just can’t cope with the demands of parenting. I am doing everything, working full time (albeit self employed) and honestly not coping.

Also all this time I’ve thought that I am NT but the more I learn both adhd I think it’s probable that we are another Autism-ADHD couple. I have managed for all these decades but now perimenopause and feeling like I have no partner in the trenches of parenting is bringing it all to the surface.

but of course I don’t get the luxury of dropping out, shutting down or burning out. Because I’m the mum.

My autistic DH is the opposite. He picked me because I will take the lead. It’s a nightmare. He has zero executive function for anything outside his special interests so I have to make all the decisions. This wasn’t visible to me until it was too late (eg once big decisions became important - mortgages, houses etc etc)

The male autism female ADHD seems to be a very common thing, same here.

I've come think the self centredness of autism allows these ND men to cope with the excesses of the ADHD woman by simply not noticing them. But some things can work well. There's a split in our contributions to the household, where he's responsible for all the house admin which he does meticulously. I'm responsible for making sure entertainment and holidays get arranged, or we would never go anywhere. But he makes sure the detail like up to date passports is all in place so we can actually board the plane or disembark the ship.

I suspect an NT man would have left me years ago, or that my life with an NT man who stayed would have been equally problematic.

So bit of back story for this one. We live in London, oldest DC is very set, and has always been very set, on going to a university on other side of London. DH has been vocally against this, though he accepts it's DC's choice, as he massively regrets staying in London for his degree. Personally I think that's his problem, and also he stayed very close to home, unlike DC who will be living a good hour's commute away in a very different part.

DH has continued to carp about it and told DC today he would be 'gutted' if they go to the London uni as he so regrets being in London and DC indicated they'd heard him. He then said 'Is that "Sure, I hear you and I'll consider it' or "Sure I hear you and I'm ignoring you"?' which I thought was really unfair - he does do this sometimes, like makes things really personal about him and poses questions in a way that forces you to frame it as if you were deliberately being unkind or unfair to him. You know, he could have said 'I hear you, but I have made up my mind', which isn't putting such a negative, personal angle on it. And his feelings about it are not DC's responsibility.

FWIW, I'd rather they went out of London - I don't think they'll regret staying, but I think uni is a great excuse to try somewhere else at low personal cost, and it gives you a different perspective. Also I worry slightly about the financial status of this London uni and whether they'll get a good learning experience as I know people who've worked there and I fear they may end up with a bit of a revolving door of tutors that might not be great. But DH (and MIL) carping on about it have pretty much made it impossible for me to make any argument about it. I think they do have some sound reasons for choosing the London one as well in terms of career development

Same here
Its exhausting isn’t it?

@Imdunfer i agree, it can work well when the needs and abilities of each partner match so that they complement each other.
Its true for any partnership, including NT-NT, but maybe even more so when ND is involved too.

Good morning. Thought I'd stop by with an update.
Health wise it's still good, no side effects after my first Immunotherapy treatment and im still being really positive 😊
I asked dh to move out and he has.
I am literally fighting for my life and he has show no care or compassion, doesn't ask how I am, isn't interested in my treatment, he's "Not 100% sure where my cancer is".
I told him I needed the next 3 months, my treatment timeline, to concentrate on me and I needed him gone. No argument, no denial, just agreed and left.
It's been 4 days, he has yet to tell his kids he has gone, he left that up to me. Hasn't checked in on me or his children once.
I have stopped trying to understand him.
There is no coming back from this.
I can now focus on myself and my beautiful children ❤️

OMG. It really is out of sight out of mind for him.

Wow Waffling that is brutal behaviour from him with regard to the kids. I’m glad he’s gone as requested and you have space and time you need but to not say anything to the kids! Anyhow look after you now and I’m glad the first bit of treatment has gone well.

Sending you and kids all the best @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy

Maybe this is why dad picked mum, because he liked the fact she is in control. He is most definitely a procrastinator. She probably got a bit cocky in this relationship but most people don’t like being controlled or having their opinions brushed off. Worked for them. Trouble is it’s a dynamic they promote to us. They don’t realise a relationship should really be give and take and all options valid. My mum has been clever in life to only position herself in positions of control (apart from me).

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy glad things are about as good as they can be under the circumstances. Whilst you wouldn’t choose this, obviously, it’s good you can focus on just you and not be managing another adult right now. Sad that he’s not asked how you are, taken the trouble to learn about what’s happening to you, taken time to connect with his children…. He obviously just isn’t capable of understanding these are just basic behaviours of a relationship with people you love. Asking after them. Checking in with them. Taking some time to talk with them. How sad he can’t do them. I’m sure it’s not that he doesn’t care so much as he has absolutely no idea how to care. My dad would be the same. He cares. But he would never ask me about treatment. I needed treatment recently and he was good enough to pay for me to have this privately. He did ask how it was going (I think because it was costing him money and he wanted to know he was getting his money’s worth). I would try and tell him about it - what they were doing, what they were discovering, what the plan was….. he just sat there with a blank expression waiting for me to finish. Then said “right then” and changed the subject. He had no idea how to receive the information, if that makes sense. It’s like his brain went “what do I do with this???” He asked about the treatment from a financial
sense, not because he had any interest in it.
I told him things had ended with my ex. I said I was actually really sad about it. I missed him. I cried. He replied asking about a bottle of expensive wine he’d taken round and left! Would he get it back? Can I get it back for him….

So I do get it. I do think they care, but they can’t show it. They don’t know how. And we shouldn’t have to teach people how to care. We deserve to just be cared for.

I really wish you well. I am glad he’s out of the home. I hope the kids are Ok. And I hope your recovery is swift and gives you the peace and clarity you so deserve. Xxx

Waffling, really sorry to hear your H has been so crap at supporting you and the kids. I’m really glad you’ve got some headspace. Wishing everything for your speedy recovery, I hope it’s possible to find moments of peace in this maelstrom 💐

Well done Waffling. You’ve absolutely done the right thing. It’s horrifying though that it takes a look into the depths of your own mortality to realise what you’re married to. I haven’t been through anything as medically drastic as you have but I empathise with the feeling of being completely down by someone you soldiered on next to for decades in the valiant hope that loyalty and partnership meant he would step up when you were in crisis.

Therefore ir must feel pretty empowering to have made this decision and see it happen and then see that it’s the right choice, no matter how painful it might be. The finality of it all is gratifying and yet a source of grief all at same time. My only thought has been why didn’t I do this earlier. The peace without DH around is just wonderful. Though actually he’s been like a limpit and it’s very hard to get him to leave. But I finally got a weekend this weekend gone and it was bliss. He’ll he gone very soon now for good.

Similarly I have had to explain everything to the children and fill in all the emotional gaps he left void as usual….

I hope treatment continues to be plain sailing and you literally sail through it.

You sound angry, devastated but also liberated and focused. A powerful combination. Fully behind you Waffling and wishing your good health on every level is to be found on the other side of all of this. So proud of you. Hugs.

Alk the best you @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy it sounds like asling him to move out was absolutely the right thing to do. Good to hear you are feeling positive too 🫂

How can autism cause someone to become so unbothered? Is it just the case that long ago to survive they have just disconnected their empathy? Is this just how they have learned to survive, by feeling nothing?

I’d be very careful to label someone as having no empathy or being unbothered because they don’t react the way you expect them to - like not asking how you’re doing when you’re ill.

Teasons for that are extremely varied from overwhelmed, not knowing how to react/what to say, being avoidant. I’m sure there’s more and in none of those cases are people ‘unbothered’ or with no empathy.
I know dh has done that a lot. It felt easier for him to never ask how I am because asking meant 1- maybe I’m supposed to give a solution and I dint have one, 2- I can’t do anything about it so why talk about it, 3- feeling totally overwhelmed and not knowing what to do whilst being really worried.

Does it mean the reaction is helpful? No.
Does that mean reacting like this can’t hurtful? No either
Does it mean you’re just supposed to accept it? Nope. Some people will, some people won’t. It depends a lot of what your own needs are and whether you see emotional support something essential to you, how your relationship is defined etc….

im quite happy that @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy felt the strength to chose the path that works for her. It takes a lot of courage, esp in those circumstances.
I really don’t think you can make generalisation around autism from that example.

I’m inclined to agree with you Special. I think there’s a big difference between not caring and simply not knowing how to show you care. I do think my dad cares about me. He has zero ability to show this in a way that makes me feel cared for. He is limited to giving practical or, more recently, financial help. In terms of emotional care, he’s got nothing to show. I know he cares though. I also know I would not want to be married to someone like this! My ex cares about me. I honestly believe that too. And he can show it by way of being attentive to my needs (bringing me tea, cooking me dinner, carrying my bag, massaging my feet when I’m tired…. I felt incredibly cared for!) but when it came to emotional care, though I know he does care, he has treated me appallingly. He doesn’t know what to do. He only knows how to centre himself. He doesn’t have empathy. He doesn’t have curiosity about my feelings. He thinks his own feelings trump mine. But I do know he cares.

So yes I would also be wary of saying “they” don’t care. Because that’s not my personal experience. I do know that being in a relationship with someone who is like this does not bring about a sense of emotional safety, and that means either extracting yourself from the relationship if you can, or putting boundaries in place to protect you.

That’s my tuppence worth anyway!

Sorry I didn’t word that very well. I meant what is it about asd that makes it appear that they aren’t bothered, but you answered that question. I was wondering what was going on on the inside. My daughter has a little friend who has asd and she has really been helping them at school. Her friend is now suddenly not interested in her and it makes her sad. This friend doesn’t appear to care at all despite all that she has done for them. I was wondering how they don’t seem to notice you outside of what you do for them. No guilt for pushing away etc. They aren’t overwhelmed, they just seem to have flicked a switch.

Sorry I’m struggling with this concept that we can’t say that autistic people can’t be utter arseholes. This whole it’s not their fault etc etc they just don’t know how to show it. I am ND, my partner is most definitely Autistic and he isn’t an utter jerk. Some asd people are arseholes and the narcissistic “type” qualities are strong. Yeah they didn’t ask for it and was born with this but doesn’t exempt you from being awful. If you are disabled and in a wheelchair and a jerk then being in a wheelchair doesn’t stop you from being horrible. Many of us mums are asd/adhd and we don’t behave this way. Men with asd seem to be given a lot of opportunities to brush away their behaviour. I feel we are taking away from all the ND people out there who strive to move forward when we make allowances for those who use it as an excuse. My ADHD does not excuse me form making my families life hell, for not being their for people who have been their for me because I get overwhelmed.

Sorry I’m probably rambling. I have no more patience for excuses. I am heavy on teaching my daughter and re-parenting myself about the world of others, what others are for and how we need to care for them and why. We don’t need to do it the same way but we are all connected. It’s not on to be so stuck in your own head that you misuse others, have your head so far in your own interest that the people you have birthed you neglect. Because neglect is what you call it no matter the excuse for it. Sometimes I think we go too far in one direction and forget that it’s got to come from both ends.

@Theydontwantme I don’t think anyone here subscribes to the idea that people who are autistic can’t also be utter arseholes. It should never be used as an excuse for bad behaviour that harms others. It may explain a lack of certain abilities or reactions but for me personally it is in no way a Carte Blanche to behave badly. It also seems to be a way of saying autistic people can’t learn or adapt in good ways for themselves, learning how to work at a relationship surely benefits everyone in the long run. It seems a very reductive way to treat people by not expecting more from them in any way