Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy wishing you the very best for your treatment. so sorry that you’re having to go through this.

It’s a horrid realisation to have to come to. Then I have the trouble now of what to do with these relationships. All of this has to come from me as there is no awareness on their parts. Facing your family knowing what I now know but not being able to say anything or do anything and they be perfectly happy….I feel really weird now. But also a sense of relief that they are the problem because they’ve never been corrected and just think they are normal.

@Georgeismydog how are you doing too?
I imagine your dcs are in half term - not sure if that helps or makes it worse.

🫂🫂

Is this narcissistic or autistic behaviour? Other person said they prefer to holiday in a field, with no amusements etc, I said I prefer to holiday with a sea. I said each to their own, we all like different things. The other person set about trying to prove me wrong and getting annoyed, trying to get others on their side then appearing smug. Pointless in my eyes as you can’t win a preference.

Survived second Passover meal at ours with 20 people... despite mother-in-law trying to ruin in (and ruining it for DH). She was pissy because he pretty fairly got angry with her for doing that 'non apology' thing repeatedly on the phone the other week, which is very her - you know the 'I'm sorry if that upset you' 'I'm sorry you feel that way' etc. I think he was already a bit on edge because he'd made a big vat of chicken soup two nights ago and for some reason it came out tasting weird and bitter and he had to chuck it out, which has never happened before.

Anyway, MIL kept getting annoyed about how he did things and upset about not getting to read bits she wanted to read as part of proceedings, so by the time we were preparing dessert he was just not able to cope, and was struggling to stay polite while telling people to get out of the kitchen and stop helping, because it was stressing him out. He had to leave the room for a breather.

Then when I asked my dad to say grace after dinner MIL was all sulky with me saying 'But I want it so people can join in' (my dad does do bits people can join in, albeit some of it with different tunes from DH's family - everyone has slightly different traditions). Which did piss me off because it's my family too and my house and I don't know how many more years I'll have my dad around to do that kind of thing. Honestly, she was being a brat.

I still had a nice evening, but she really spoilt it for DH and made some points tense for other people around her, which is not on. She likes to berate other people for being rude (when they're not) but I don't call coming and trying to sabotage other people's evening, especially for an argument that happened in private.

Sorry, just needed a rant...

That sounds hard work @Echobellydo you have to keep close contact with her or can you drop it back even further, sounds like she doesn’t enhance anyone’s life!

Can't really avoid her as we live 10 minutes away and she goes to same synagogue, which we wouldn't want to leave.

Contact has dropped lower to some extent - for the first half of our relationship we went to their house almost every Friday night which was usually fine, sometimes lovely and sometimes traumatic. Until eventually DH and MIL realised he was coming because he thought it was expected, and she was only doing it because she thought he expected it! Things improved somewhat when they were able to drop that and actually see each other less. But easier for me, too.

Wishing you the best for the immunotherapy @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy hoping you have the support of your DC and that you can keep whatever distance you can from your DH as he doesn't sound like he will be able to support you in the way you need him to. My DM has been through cancer treatment twice in 11 years and one additional thing she was recommended to do by her oncology nurse, was to drink prebiotic drinks every day, to help boost her immune system during and after treatment. She still has a drink of it every morning now as it's part of the routine. This was in Sweden so not sure what they recommended here in the UK, DM's hospital is a world leading one in terms of cancer treatment and care so hopefully they are on to something there with the link between inflammation, gut health and cancer cells etc. 🫂

Thank you @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore .
Kids are being great, dh is still away, but has called. Asks how I am, I say fine, he then talks about what he's up to🙄
I told him this morning that I have an oncologist appointment next week and will probably start Immunotherapy soon after. OK was his only response 😥
The prebiotic thing sounds interesting, thanks for sharing that😊
Weirdly im just keen to get started with treatment now.
Everything has stopped, yet Everything is still moving on. It's a strange place to be in🙃

I think it’s neither and a pretty common behaviour.
Like when people who hate marmite tell people who live it that theyre wrong etc…
True with music, political views, the type of holidays etc…..

Not saying it’s the best attitude. Just that you can find it everywhere

Hope your treatment can start soon, I can imagine it feeling very surreal and strange right now. Great to hear the kids are being supportive 😊

We went to look at an Alternative Provision for DD a couple of days ago, it was amazing and DD seems quite happy to give it a go. The feeling of relief is something else, it's still sinking in!

Not sure if it's just for the summer term or if she can continue into Year 7 in September, which would be great as we currently have no school placement for her for Secondary! (long complicated story involving massive let down by current school, years at home/out of school, MH crisis and autisticburnout, LA not being massively helpful, until now at the very last minute ).

This does have me thinking though, if she can settle into a suitable setting for a while, feel like she's belonging somewhere and is part of something (which I know she desperately missed after not being able to attend school), making friends and being around people other than me and DH, then her MH would no doubt improve, which is my main priority now. And...if so, can I possibly, possibly begin to entertain the plans of separating/leaving? I feel bad for thinking that now as it was DH who kicked up a stink with the LA who then finally suggested this Alternative Provision, after I hit my limits of what I could cope with when finding out that we have no school placement (that is shit!)!

I feel bad for thinking that now as it was DH who kicked up a stink with the LA who then finally suggested this Alternative Provision, after I hit my limits of what I could cope with when finding out that we have no school placement (that is shit!)!

I dont think you should feel bad.

Him kicking up a fuss with the LA is him being a father. One that has (for a change?) stepped up to his tole and responsibilities. It shouldn’t be amazing, fantastic but just normal.

You wanting to separate is about you as a couple and him as a partner to you.

They are two very different roles. And being a good (enough) father doesn’t make him a good (enough) partner nor does it entitled him to any special treatment as a husband.

What this placement could give you is breathing space to evaluate the situation, ‘put your ducks in a row’ if that’s the right move for you. And plan your life FOR YOURSELF rather than anyone else.

Thats amazing news btw
For your dd mainly, for all the reasons you’ve mentioned. She deserves an environment in which she can blossom and I’ve seen many autistic teens doing so with the right support.
And for yourself. You haven’t just been a parent there but a carer in crap circumstances. A break from caring duties is going to be a god send for you too.

I think this is where I placed the bar too low @SpecialMangeTout3 so I end up so grateful for DH doing something that should just be part of parenting a child with SEND. Thank you for reminding me about the different roles father vs partner. I won't even go into all the things he does and says that still upsets me which would clearly put him in the not so nice parter category, even if he is stepping up as a father lately. Need to remember that!

DD and I have been around each other almost 24/7 for the last few years so it's going to be great for her to get out of this 'bubble', and yes it will mean a chance to
evaluate and think a bit more clearly. She's desperate for more social opportunities and mental stimulation, we've been going out a lot more and met with people and tried activities out but she needs more and this Alternative Provision is looking promising for that!

I've been a bit nervous this week - DS has been revising a bit for tests, but not really enough. DH has been calm and hands off which is good, but I don't know if it's because: he has just decided to accept whatever will happen and made a conscious decision to be more relaxed; he's just forgotten about intervening or hasn't got round to it (he's mentioned checking on DS once or twice but I'm not aware he has); he's passive-aggressively decided to leave me to it as he's 'not allowed to say anything' (unlikely, as not really in character). But I don't want to bring it up and potentially disturb the relative peace.

@@Echobelly maybe give DS a quiet nudge to keep him revising a bit more, but I wouldn’t poke the bear by mentioning anything to DH, just have to see how it all comes out in the wash!

I have been wondering how my dad puts up with my mum. But I have come to the conclusion that he is very submissive. Everything they do is from her idea, he is then happy to put it into practice for her. The car, the holidays, the house all her and he then goes along. The same in my brothers relationship. He makes all the decisions and she goes along. I do suspect there is ASD in my family line, considering some children being diagnosed. I don’t think they have any ideas and believe this type on relationship is healthy. I’ve always been pushed into submissive roles. One is in control and the other helps put it all into practice. I wonder if this is why a lot of relationships fail when ASD is involved, especially the undiagnosed. They have zero awareness that how they behave is not fair (in the sense that the control in a healthy relationship should be 50/50). They need a submissive partner (or should I say this is really only the kind of partner that would work). Because someone demanding equal control and input would be seen as an attack and not a friend and the relationship becomes quite hostile?

I feel it’s why I attracted a narc for my first relationship as this is the type of relationship that was modelled (different intensions). My mum views me from her own need to control and I must in turn be submissive but I’m not. It is quite liberating to realise that actually I have control within a relationship and I don’t have to like what people do and that doesn’t make me argumentative or bad.

It is funny as an ND person myself I have developed differently and over prioritise others needs and have crashed and burnt out. My mum has never prioritised others needs and she is super well. It’s not fair! Perhaps that’s the way to go, but then I could not live with the damage I’d cause in my wake by ignoring everyone who needed me.

@Georgeismydog and @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy i hope you’re both coping ok.
Just thinking of you and sending support 🫂🫂🫂

Thank you @SpecialMangeTout3 .
I had my first round of Immunotherapy last week. So far so good. Im feeling quite positive, i think because I've actually started doing something.
Im trying to "Let it go" regarding dh. I absolutely need to put myself first now.
Kids and I can and do chat about 'my cancer', dh doesn't really ask.
@Georgeismydog I hope you are doing better, sending 🫂🫂🫂

Wishing you the best

All the best @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy

Took oldest DC to a CAMHS neurodiversity assessment (2 months before their 18th birthday!) - as I suspected they don't show enough deficit socially or educationally for a diagnosis, and there were no real developmental signals. I still would say they are not neurotypical, but they're just not going to reach diagnosis threshold as they do very well academically and, tbh, socially. They're OK with it, we did prepare them for it.

We've just booked another slot with family therapist for me and DH at the end of the month and I think we need to have a good talk and DH coping with his feelings over the GCSE year.

Hi, I wondered if I could join you all? My husband is autistic, he's also visually impaired. He was made redundant last year and hasn't felt able to even look for anything yet, he is burnt out and exhausted and stressed and not coping. I'm at the end of my tether with working full time and doing the lion's share of the house and childcare. We have 2 children, DS13 who has no diagnosis but some ND traits and DD10 who is diagnosed autistic.
I'm pretty certain I am AuDHD but plodding along because I don't get to burn out or where would we be!? That sounds awful but I have to say it somewhere.
Anyway, hi 👋🏼

Hi @AnonymousMum38 ! Just in middle of choir rehearsal but wanted to welcome you.