DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

He is probably enjoying not being the financial breadwinner for a while - definitely time for him to find something else if now dipping into savings

It is difficult when a man isn't providing like he used to so I fully sympathise with you. If you are in the UK, you will know that the UK job market has been tough for the past 2 years. I find older men are having a tougher time of it than women of a similar age. The multiple interviews with no job at the end of it must be disheartening for him. Maybe for him, it is either the intense hobby or depression.
If the hobby is beginning to look like a lifeline perhaps he is getting ready to retire, which would not work for you. Talk to him about taking a less professional job that he can combine with his hobby but still bring in some money. Better for him to be earning even 30% of what he used to make than nothing at all. Just having him out there on the grind along with you, will dissipate a lot of the resentment you feel.

It isn’t his fault he hasn’t been offered a job yet. He’s clearly getting interviews but he can’t control the outcome of those beyond giving it his best shot. Job hunting is absolutely soul destroying so I think it’s fair enough that he has a hobby to lift his mood, and it sounds like he’s doing more chores/life
admin with the cooking and school runs. What’s to stop you taking an evening to yourself for a hobby? He does need to keep job hunting of course if you’re dipping into savings and possibly widen the pool of things he’s applying for but it sounds like you’re being a bit harsh on him.

After 18 months trying, it’s time for him to adjust his expectations and widen his net. He risks an early retirement before he can save enough, if he is not careful. The longer he is out of the job market the harder it gets.

Yes it is but I feel like with passing time it is only going to get harder, not easier for him to find something.
I think I am really ashamed of being in this situation. Friends and family come and support his hobby, whilst I am waiting for someone to give him a bit of a shake.

Thank you for your perspective. I am really not expecting for him to be able to control it. What he can control is what he is doing in the meantime. I still do a lot of chores (all laundry, organising weekly shop, cooking at weekends) so it is not like he has completely taken over I would prefer he has taken a temp job doing anything to bring some money in.
I had a hobby that I gave up to commit to career progression. I am terrified of losing my job and so I feel like I need to give my all to be irreplaceable. I am also studying to progress further, because I feel I can't count on him anymore.

Absolutely, I agree that the job market has been hard.
After such a long time with no employment I feel it is time to get any temp job doing anything. If I was earning less, I think he would be under more pressure to get out there and get anything.
I can cover the bills, food, petrol etc but there is little money for anything else and I think I feel more frustrated now that Christmas is coming and it is just going to be sad. I am not expecting anything at all but we have kids and I bet we will be dipping into savings again to buy them presents.

The job market isn’t just bad, it is absolutely dreadful. It’s the worst I can remember it for decades. Most of my kids (in their 20s) friends can’t get jobs and we have 4 friends in their 50s made redundant and they can’t find anything else. Dp was made redundant 2 years ago and has had to set up his own business as he could not find another role.

I have some sympathy for him but you do need to discuss it with him because you may need a plan for what happens if he can’t find anything else.

I know this is a relationship forum and I was wondering whether to post in money thread, since the problem affects both areas of our lives. I am not sure if we can recover from this as a couple. It has completely turned out roles around and I feel I have nobody I can lean on.

Ask him to do more of the chores in the interim

Could you downsize? If you split up presumably you'd do that anyway.

I wasn’t the main breadwinner but when I left my job a few years ago your post is something my dh would have written, including the hobby- I went creative and it brought nothing in but I loved it. Dh decided I’d left him in the lurch so to speak and we’re pretty effed. I’d ask why you want to break up? Does he know how huge it is to you? Definitely talk to him, tell him you’re happy he’s happy but very worried- stress how much. Dh didn’t and while I was looking, had I known where we’d be now I’d possibly have done everything differently. If you do still love him try to be enthusiastic about his hobby- saddest thing for me was when I went to pay someone (a tiny amount, think about fifty quid), for something related, dh said ‘so you’re really still paying people for this stuff’ even though it was final stages and I thought he’d say he loved it etc.

This, You can prep the hell out of an interview but you nevr know who you are competing against on the day. I'd be suggesting he books at least three solid days each week in his calender, one day for job searches, two for the applications. The hobby can fit around this. Job hunting takes discipline and tenacity and is a job in itself.

18 months is far too long to not be earning I am with you OP he needs to start pulling his weight. Unless he'd be happy for you to stop work and spend so much time on a hobby he's not playing fair. Are you building your pension pot still or are you covering all the bills ignoring your pension whilst he plays being the Rockstar or whatever it is?

He needs to get some sort of a job. Even if it’s part time. Delivery driver or working in a supermarket. Has he tried things like this or is he waiting for something as good as he had before?

I have been in this position, although for 9 months rather than 18 and it was hard enough without dh starting a time intensive new hobby. The frustrating thing for me was when dh missed deadlines to apply for jobs that he'd wanted to and refused to invest in interview training. It has worked out well though and he loves his work now. He probably took 2 years to really get his confidence back though.

We effectively swapped roles and he did pretty much all the housework and admin. I'd gone from not working into a senior full time role so had to throw myself into that. I wouldn't have been happy with still doing the same I did before. He really learnt how to run the house and now we both work full time I'm benefitting from a much more even split than I think we'd have had otherwise. He knows what needs doing and just gets on with it and I do the same.

There is light at the end of the tunnel but he needs to prioritise supporting the household in terms of doing a lot more and being proactive. Encourage him to investigate interview training and coaching. If he's depressed he needs to go to the gp. Hobbies are great but they need to come after other responsibilities.

He should be doing everything in the home. He is a house husband now.
Other than that I think you are experiencing the lot of many men who are the sole earner. It is stressful, but it is what it is and the employment market isn’t going to improve anytime soon what with AI etc. Sadly over 50s are expensive and there aren’t even jobs at higher levels to cover us all (I say that as a woman of 52 who was let go last year).
If he pulls his finger out at home, then you need to see it for what it is. Marriage.

For those suggesting he takes just anything, as an example, why would a supermarket hire a guy in his 50s who has 30 years experience in business development instead of a 24 year old who has just worked in retail? Just „getting any job“ is not a thing.

He probably felt the same as you when he was the main earner. He seems to be doing a fair bit around the house and with the children. The job market sucks. I actually think it’s quite hard for middle aged men to find senior roles anymore if they’re made redundant. They’re often overlooked now. Supermarket jobs now have hundreds of applicants applying for one role.

If you feel the relationship is dead and his lack of a job or taking any job to ease the burden, is the final nail in the coffin, you need to break up sooner rather than later.
How old are the children?
Have you told him how much his lack of effort to find any sort of job affects your feelings about him?

The only places that tend to be desperate enough to take anyone are care homes and not everyone can/wants to take on personal care of dementia sufferers.

I’m my DHs early 50s he started to succumb to stress. His teaching jobs were really having a massive impact. I realised right then that I was going to be the main breadwinner. He got a job with much less stress, less money and is much happier as I less worried. Perhaps it’s time you both adjusted. It feels a bit shit to be walking out of your marriage because you want him to be the main earner. It does seem like he’s trying.

💐💐💐💐💐

There's 2 issues.

1. the situation
2. How he is handling it

Both are bad - no 1 he cant control. No 2 he can and isnt. Hes opting out and having a relax.

In your shoes, 18m on.... i would be PISSED.

the situation
I'm in tech/ marketing / advertising... RIFs, hiring and recruitment craziness is real and it ls harrrrrrd and shit.

Hyperbole approaching:
In my sector The white "old" men who were all earning 150k plus doing very little work with mediocre talent and a 2:1 from nottingham are all pretty fucked once fired. Enjoy your weird looking expensive leather shoes and rimowa suitcases boys.... The remainers are job hugging for dear life.

They are viewed as expensive and out of touch and ageism is a real issue here.
Equally they bought when 100% mortgages were being shoved down their throat and most have solid savings and made £££ in housing booms if they played in right.
As a millenial, i have only tempered sympathy. .

1. How he is handling it.

Tldr his response is piss poor. (And god knows ive seen the job market) He sounds like he thinks he is on a extended jolly with a vendor. Id have a sit down chat this week. Be clesr this isnt working and you need actual change now now. For starters: He needs to do more domestic load. Give him a list give him a cadence for it. Tell him you want to restart your hobby because you are feeling burned out and if yout job goes everyones in trouble.

Jobs now are 95% found via networking or being a Perfect (and i mean perfect) skills match. At 18m of him mostly farting about he is out out.
He needs (like every other bugger) to accept he isnt getting hack into X so what is his next move? Retrain as a PT or Life coaching? (Both are awful yet popular choices based on my linkedin feed)
Press him on this
What (exactly) is his plan? How does this.play out? To canabalise ALL the savings while you work to 65 while.he dicks about on his bike/ paddlecanoe / whatever???? Because that would not work for me.

I'd be calm and "compassionate" in your talk but also ask those tough questions. say you know its hard but its been18m and you need change now, as the status quo doesnt work for you and you cannot / will not contine like this.

Id also consider divorce without meaningful consistent change in the next 2 months

Then get him to take over the rest of the household duties and you are now the default breadwinner - what’s the issue with that

I expect op doesn’t want to be the main breadwinner

^^ 100% this , if is the only reason you he should be the main earner is because he is a he then that’s no reason- you may have to adjust to the new future as well