DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

@SorrowfulWife 2 things

1- when role were reversed, you were still working. Maybe not earn8ng as much but you were. You were also dealing with all the house, children, childcare etc… Not comparable. Your roles have just ‘being reversed’.

2- yes there taking a hobby that will take all his time shows how little interest he is giving to the job hunting. And to the running of the house.

It’s making me wonder. Has he searching for his specific job or has he widen his search? Has he looked at getting self employed? Yes supermarkets are actually jobs that are hard to get. And yes Amazon is making people redundant. But he could have tried agency work. Tutoring. Cleaning. At the very least, volunteering so he keeps in the loop work wise and has little gap on his CV.

is he only applying for the jobs he wants? There will be many jobs advertised he isn’t applying for that he could likely do. Any job is what he needs at this point.

I fully agree. But that's why she's complaining.

18 months ! Sorry OP that’s just not on and not fair on you. I think you need a frank conversation with him about his lack of motivation, too much devotion to a hobby and impact on you. Also you still have lots of sch years ahead so a team effort is needed. If he can’t cope with a stressful high paying job then you both reset expectations and he gets something. Delivery driver, Uber, a lesser role in the area he is trained. Your resentment will just build. And if he refuses or is half arsed still then counselling or reconsider your relationship. Life is too short. Good luck x

Is he claiming any benefits that pay his NI for his state pension because that could impact his retirement also ?
By now my patience would have worn paper thin and it's time for him to lower expectations and just get any job he can .

Talk to him about taking a less professional job that he can combine with his hobby but still bring in some money. Better for him to be earning even 30% of what he used to make than nothing at all.

Surely, he is a functioning adult who has been the main (but not the only!) breadwinner in the house so he KNOWS that?
Having been in the place of being the main bread winner, he knows the strain of bringing one. He knows that even earning a bit makes a difference. He knows that the OP was doing everything in the house whilst he was the ‘main’ breadwinner.
If he needs reminding of that, then it means he is taking advantage of the situation. Or that he doesn’t care about the OP worrying/putting her job first and giving up on her hobby. That he still sees him and his wishes as going first before the OP’s. Nothing about being a team or partnership.

YANBU

He needs to be doing MUCH more at home

And he needs to get a job - any job - to bring in SOMETHING.

It must be horrible being out of work for so long but still.

If he is actively looking for a job and doing a fair amount of household chores then you are probably better off carrying on as you are, given the alternative of divorce would be massively upsetting and stressful, and probably leave both of you in a worse position financially. Is the hobby event a triathlon? If so at least he is keeping himself fit.

He needs to be picking up the chores.

if you are the currently the only breadwinner he needs to be doing household stuff.

the job market is bad. That he can’t control.

Yanbu! The very least he could be doing is all the household chores (taking on the laundry and foodshop if youve been doing them).

A woman would have been expected to lower her expectations work wise by now.

You are only being unreasonable if you don't communicate your needs to him, and put some boundaries in place for yourself. Because no one else will.

That’s not what she is complaining.

She is complaining he is putting himself and his hobby first.
Not the family, let alone her.

If they had talked about it and decided TOGETHER hed stop work, then fair enough.
If he had developed a chronic illness/disability agd couldn’t work, fair enough.
But it’s not. Instead of doing anything to bring some income, he is relaxing at home whikst expecting the OP to still carry 90% of tge home responsibilities. That’s not ok.
And talking about reversing roles, what would you say about a woman staying at home, Gping out lunching with her friends but not doing any of the cleaning, washing, shopping, life admin? Normal and ok? I don’t think so.

People living in 2005 when you could walk into a job

But he isn’t is he?
He is cooking. And taking the dcs to school. That’s it.

Agree

He's ducking his responsibilities because he wants to

He's living " the band" dream age 50s because he wants to

He's allowing his DW to take 100%;of the anxiety, stress and workload because he wants to

Whilst focusing on his hobby, not networking, volunteering , approaching new start ups, going freelance hes not prioritising his employment
Guess what because he wants to !

This is what's unforgiveable, he's just dropped the rope on the Op, their finances and life TOGETHER and is just now passenger not a copilot

No I wouldn’t be happy with this and I would be pushing him towards any minimum wage job to bridge the gap as you’re dipping into savings. I would have done this at the 6 month mark, not 18. One person staying at home only works when both people are in agreement. You aren’t so he needs to stop looking for jobs that are similar to his old one and start looking for any job.

If he doesn’t then I would seriously look at leaving him, he’ll have to get a job then won’t he!

I agree he needs to get any job he can. Otherwise yes he’s going to retire early and do nothing leaving op to pay all the bills and probably work until 70 or something.

Definitely say something op. But I don’t think you’re wrong to feel resentful.

He needs to find some sort of paid work, even if part-time and less well paid. Can he do some freelance work related to his profession? If not, I’m afraid he needs to suck up looking for less suitable and less well paid positions, or he needs to do what many mothers do and become a teaching assistant or school catering assistant.

Have you told him how you feel? What does he say?

I agree with you, I would have expected my husband either to take on all the house/life workload, or take a temporary lower paid job to get some money in while he is looking to get back to the role he is qualified for.

I would be hugely resentful having to keep everything afloat while he pursued a hobby. I'd love to write a novel. We all have our wants and dreams. But they don't pay bills and help kids through uni. I'd be furious, and I would lose a massive amount of respect for him.

Whether you can get that back very much depends on what he has said to you've when you've raised this with him.

Yo8 need to sit down and speak to him, not just simmer in resentment,

it is fine for him to do a hobby, he can’t be job hunting constantly, 8 hours a day, if you want him to do more at home, then have the conversation and tell him, he is probably just used to you doing certain things, so tell him, can you clean today etc,

if you want him to take any job rather than be unemployed, I’m not sure that’s your decision to make, but it is again a conversation you need to have

you also need to remember he financially supported you for many years when you were the lower earner, and as much as he is not earning now, it is something to bear in mind.

the talk needs to be around you both can’t live within your budget and are not spending savings to stay afloat, and you’re concerned, and appreciate he is doing what he can to find a job, but if he can’t say in the next 3 months, then what is the plan, what different type of work will he look for and accept to sort the finances out.

and explain you’re struggling right now and would like him to do more of the work at home than he is doing,

There is work available it's just not very attractive a lot of the time.

Delivery drivers. Catering. Cleaning. Hospitality (the sector I work in and there is always part time work going). Care work - always hiring.

Beyond that he can look for factory work. Or slaughterhouses.

If he WANTS to work, he can work.

If he only wants to work a very comfortable well paid proffesional role, he may well be waiting a long time (and gets less likely the longer he is off work).

If he tried to get a job 12 months ago he would have something by now.

Theres local warehouses (my local JD warehouse is always advertising for for staff), delivery delivers, uber, retail work, bar work, cleaning, he could get a CSCS card and try a bit of labouring on a local site (what my DH did when he was suddenly made redundant and had no experience), fast food, call centres.

There’s also zero hour contract hospitality work at local stadium and arenas. I did this throughout university and know people who still do and they take anyone of any age. It’s zero hours but better than the zero pound he’s currently earning. He could look into being Showsec staff too.

There’s loads of options and if he’d have knuckled down and applied for everything he would have gotten one. He could walk into an Uber or Uber delivery job.

I would give him an ultimatum - he gets a job within the next few months or he leaves, or you do with the kids. How long left until the savings run out? Personally I would have lost all respect a long time ago, because by not working and contributing all of this time he’s lowered the quality of lives for you all, and depleted the savings pot.

You might need to talk to a professional to unpack your thoughts on this one. Is it the sense of injustice that you can't get past (e.g. you did more chores when roles were reversed) or has the attraction to him gone now your power dynamics have changed and he is no longer the breadwinner?

OP said they were both winning bread. Does she get to retire early too?

When my DH lost his job he looked at anything and everything to get back into working because we had 2 children under 3 and I worked part time.
It happen around this time of year so he got a night shift supermarket job, 5 days a week. They kept him on after Christmas and he stayed in that role until he got back into his chosen field, it was a fair few years ago now but I remember the stress and anxiety for us both, I felt so sorry for my DH because he felt like he was letting us down, I wouldn’t have if he had decided to concentrate all his efforts on a hobby.
We didn’t have a massive pot of savings etc so it was through necessity, I wonder if your savings and the fact you can just about manage on your wages have made him a little comfy.
I would be spelling it out he needs to look outside of his field and get a job, any job to supplement the family income.
Im not surprised you resent his hobby because he is devoting time and energy to that when he should be working.
It’s fine for one person to stay at home and do the life admin/childcare etc when it has been pre agreed and everyone knows what the expectation is.
If he won’t look for work outside of field, continues to spend a lot of time on a hobby, dip into savings and only pick up slightly more of the home stuff then I would say to him you need to separate. He is only able to do what he is doing because you are funding it and you don’t want to.
I would be saying the same if the roles were reversed, and it was a bloke who was working and a woman who wasn’t, working and finically matters need to be a joint decision with both parties in agreement.