DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

Christmas work is the way to go. Because if he ponces about with his band for weeks more, looking for work in January will be worse and your expenses over Christmas won’t have been met.

Of course you need a long term plan as well. But short term Christmas expenses shouldn’t come from savings.

Get a grip. He’s probably paid for the majority of the family expenses since the 1990s. I bet you wouldn’t say that about a woman

OP - I hope you have got him a very generous Christmas present

Which would be fine if they currently had enough money coming in. But they don't. He needs to get a job.

Do you (you / he / jointly) have a spreadsheet? You need to sit down and go through the numbers. If he thinks the whole family should go without while he doesn’t work he needs to be forced to say that explicitly.

Say who?
You by assuming you know exactly how much the OP has ever earned or worked?

I mean she is currently earning as much as he did. So I doubt she stopped for very long or went only further entry level jobs ‘for ease’. She wouldn’t have had the progression in her wage,even if only from seniority.
Plus ofc if you read the thread (and by that I mean just the OP’s posts), you’d know she HAS ALWAYS WORKED. She just had a lower wage than him (one has to have the higher salary right?) and the only time she had a lower income is during ML, which is a SHARED expense. I mean those are his chikdren too so any drop in wage due to ML should be shared too.

I bet you wouldn’t say that about a woman

And if the place wasn't mostly women, you wouldn't be here complaining and acting like unemployed Dave twanging Wonderwall down the King's Arms was Mick Jagger. What's your point?

How do you know that? The OP says she has always worked and done the great majority of the childcare and housework. Having lost his job 18 MONTHS ago, he still hasn't stepped up with these things and is instead spending time and money on indulging himself with his new hobby. Working for 30 years or whatever doesn't mean that you can sit back and relax when you have DC to support and an overworked, stressed wife.

But he supported her surely now it’s time for her to return the favour. Or is it a case of when he had a job the money he earned was their money, but the money OP earns is her money

I do think this is a very short sighted and mercenary way of looking at marriage, where you are supposed to be a team and also remember your vows. It’s despicable that people are suggesting she should leave him. And as I pointed out earlier, the reality of if that did occur he would have significantly more options on the dating market than she would, so throwing away the marriage may not be so empowering for her after all

I'm not sure where he 'supported' her. He may have earned more money, but she picked up a bigger share of the household load so a fair division. Now that he is at home all day and making no monetary contribution, he should be covering all household tasks and life admin. The OP has stated that he's not.

But the biggest issue is that they don't have enough money coming in, and he's making no effort to change this.

Having savings is a luxury for most people. It is not dipping into savings, it is using your money to live on. When the savings get under 16k you can apply for universal credit.

I wonder why he does not take any warehouse work. I work in one and save all my salary. With every passing month I have at least 900 more in my bank account - show him the thread

I also understand the emotion of women wanting divorce once he loses his work and seems does not seem bothered anymore. Then you need to give him an ultimatum

What industry he is in? With his experience he can get even less promotive work but just to keep the money coming in

Many of us are on the NMW and still pull out wonderful life

I know. I was on min wage for most of my life and I’m now on 28k

I do it. It is not pottering, my work is very hard in freezing warehouse. I am sure I do much more for the world than you and your pomp - all this with making it while looking for my mother full time. Try this for starters and do come back and talk again

Jobs are not shitty. Any job has to feed someone's family. What a lot of pomp on the thread

How doing much more at home will help the financial situation. Most of us work full time or like me part time and look after my mum and do the housework which is needed, not just housework because my husband is the bigger earner

£50 is not a tiny amount, especially when you didn't earn it.

VeterinaryCareAssistant

I’d worked for years, 50 euro was nothing considering I watched every penny and never spent money on anything other than the kids. When I was principal bread earner I’d never micromanaged his spending because we were supposed to be a team

He didn't just support her, they supported each other. She worked and took on the childcare and housework load. She was hardly a lad y of leisure living off her high earning husband. I've no idea where you get the impression that the OP thinks her salary is for her alone. She says that she can cover all their bills and has been doing so.
You have not idea who may or may not be more desirable 'in the dating market'. I'm not sure many women would jump at the chance of supporting an unemployed man but perhaps I'm picky!

Thank you @rainingsnoring I think I need to edit my original post about "breadwinner" as it seems to be misinterpreted by some people on this thread.
I find it astounding that he has taken a step back now, waiting for a good offer to come through that seems to be further and further away the longer he stays unemployed.
I am worried that he does not see the urgency to get a job to continue supporting his children.
We are a team, I have been supportive but I am worried that this has been going on for too long. I come from a family that did not manage their finances well with a sibling who slipped into a long term unemployment and frankly I am scared that he is going to repeat the same scenario. For those who asked, he was in a creative industry, but not connected to his current hobby.

In order to kick start his efforts to find work….any work at this stage, you have to be prepared to communicate with him OP.
You can not stew on this until January, growing more and more resentful as the daus go on.
Please, why not act now, today!
Sit him down and tell him your exact feelings, no holds barred.

By not firmly speaking up, you are allowing hm to slip into permanent long term unemployment just as your sibling did.
Give your marriage a fighting chance by telling him what you think, instead of allowing him to think you are ok with the poor man keeping his head in the sand about your dire financial situation.
He isn’t even trying to pay his way OP. He should be ashamed !
Get angry and tell him that!

I agree with previous poster lamps1.

The only mistake you are making OP is not talking to him right now.

Him not even getting a ‘menial’ job for 18 months has cost you and your family £30k (net). Actually more, since you’ve been dipping into savings. Money that could have been used for ISA’s, holidays, mortgage overpayments. @LAMPS1 is right - he should be ashamed.

Sounds like you need an emotional support network near to you
where have you tried ?
reaching for help when it’s needed is an emotionally healthy thing to do !