DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

So, life changes- you have to change with it and not hang onto what used to be- why should the OP not be the main breadwinner

Gone are the days you could just potter around in a min wage part time job because you’re female. The world has changed. It does sound like he needs to do a bit more at home but seems to be trying to find jobs also.

I’d be glad for his hobby, glad that he does the school runs and cooks a bit, glad that he seems happy and fulfilled but desperately disappointed that he far too readily ignores the fact he is a passenger and still isn’t paying his way after all this time.
He isn’t taking this situation seriously at all. No wonder he lost his job if he was so happily easy going and selfish in the work place.
Surely there are supermarket jobs going in the run up to Christmas. Let stacking shelves be his new hobby for a while. He can formulate a plan for re-skilling himself next year, while he’s doing it.
You have to let him know how the marriage is hanging by a thread unless he gets off his complacent backside and starts earning whatever he can immediately.
Some men need a short sharp shock like that to get back into the real world.

Yes, it's difficult.
Everyone is different, I would lose all respect for him (especially playing in a band - ick). Sorry.

I do love him still but I am frustrated and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's really taking toll on the marriage. Yes, the roles reversed but when I was in the lower paid scale I covered all chores, all childcare so he did not have to worry about anything at all at home.
I would like some sort of plan in the meantime, for when he can't find a job in the next 3, 6, 12 months.
I appreciate everyone's view point. The reason why I started this thread is because I feel like maybe I am unreasonable and should just grin and bear it instead of growing resentful.
Just for the hobby perspective, I got frustrated with his latest decision because I feel that if he was serious to be going back to employment, all efforts and energy should be directed towards that. If he gets a job now, he should be pulling all the stops to pass probation, and not getting guitar lessons /practising during the day to improve for the upcoming (unpaid) gig. Maybe I am being unfair. Children are end of primary and secondary school age.

Can he monetise his hobby at all?
You do need to have a chat about his next steps. Picking up Christmas temp work would help you both out. And honestly a few hours of a shitty job might refocus him on a career move.

Agree.

After 18 months I would expect him to take an unpaid charity shop job in order to prove to emploees that he is still work "ready". After a few months of that I would expect a supermarket to be happy to take him on instead of a younger person. If he's fit he could do the furniture collections, which would prove his abilities for another range of jobs like small removals jobs, light warehouse jobs. If he's got any DIY skills at all he would be able to make a living round here as all the people with certificates have been taken by the builders on the new estates going up.

OP you need to remove your half of the savings to a separate account and tell him why, not allow him to finance an early retirement with it until it all runs out.

I totally agree with you OP. He needs to get something, anything, before he becomes totally unemployable. He needs to be out hustling big time, using contacts, agencies, headhunters etc.

The risk is that he never works again!

You need to sit him down and tell him that should be his no. 1 priority. He is probably likely to be able to pursue his hobby alongside this.

So why hasn’t he been stacking shelves in Tesco?

I have 0 sympathy for these people who are made redundant and are still out of work and complaining two/three years later because they can’t find a job in their field.

It’s very simple. If you need a job, then you take any job until you find the one in your field.

An employer will take you far more seriously as a prospective candidate if you’ve actually been working in any job than if you’ve spent the last two years on your arse waiting for the right opportunity to come along. It shows lack of commitment

You need to take care of yourself too in order to avoid burnout, and perhaps explain this to him. If you are holding down the fort work and training-wise without any other outlets, it puts huge pressure on you.

Could he get any lower level temp jobs in the meantime just to help with the Christmas period? Do a free course to bump up his skills set (Coursera etc).?

I recently interviewed a guy in his 50s who is currently working in a supermarket. His CV suggests he could do the job, but his interview answers didn't demonstrate it well enough. So I would want to see if he can improve on his interview technique. Although it might just be the market - after I was made redundant, I kept getting feedback like, "you interviewed really well, but the person we're hiring just had more experience."

I would talk to him about alternative work (like supermarket) while he's looking. I'd discuss milestones, whether financial or time, and the person suggesting treating jobhunting like a job is right.

Have any of the people saying he should be shelf stacking or whatever tried to get one of those types of jobs recently? They are swamped with applicants with relevant experience and they don't want a grumpy executive doing it out of desperation and taking time off for interviews

Stacking shelves = red herring
The point being made by other here are

1. A 2 yr CV gap with nothing to show for it will hardly help him. (As an fyi the people i know who got back in all did things like volunteer, charity director work, were involved to school governors/PTA etc)

1. there are a million things he could be doing to contribute to family life and the household...

Instead of pouring energy into things that benefit the family unit (eother via earned £ or domestic labor) he is dicking about on his guitar...

Not cool.

He needs to do something. As a 56 yr old, it would be all too easy to slide into early retirement. He’ll struggle with the pace getting back into it.

A year and a half is a long time to be out of work. He should’ve found any job and then worked whilst he applied for jobs he’d prefer. I would be resentful.

Can’t he do something in the interim that at least brings in something, like delivering (Amazon are always recruiting). Might be below what he wants to do, but at least it’s showing some effort, and can possibly be done around other home admin he’s doing atm.

OP you need to remove your half of the savings to a separate account and tell him why, not allow him to finance an early retirement with it until it all runs out

Was just coming to suggest this
Do not let him burn through your savings

He's behaving selfishly and immaturely, ducking responsibility to play in a band like a 17 year old
Prioritising his leisure whilst you burn out
WTAF !

All those coming on to say women worked PT, they do because they carry most of the CC duties, chores etc

He needs a come to Jesus talk and soonish!

Tbh shelf stacking in a Tesco is difficult to get into! My niece applied a few months ago - lots of form filling, lots of competition (it’s quite popular for mums with children, as often can be fit around school hours). Back in the day you could just turn up at Tescos with a one page form and start the next day. Now it’s like you’re applying for a high entry job!

In a year and a half not even managed a few temping jobs? Is the situation really that bad ?

Has he actually applied for low paid work ? His employability will be plummeting

hobbies are for retiring not being unemploywd

its really hard as mental health takes a real bashing with unemployment and hobbies can help with that but after all this time to not even have a part time minimum wage coming in is shit

I think YANBU in the sense you are resentful and don't want the pressure of sole breadwinning and he needs to do more both at home and to get a job.

Job-wise, I think the shelf-stacking/delivery driving people have it wrong, and the person who says he needs to zero in on quasi-professional stuff like school governor, trusteeship etc. is right.

YAB(V)U, in my opinion, for considering divorce after a change in economic status for 18 months. Staggered so many are agreeing. First it's wholly impractical as divorce will set you back financially way more than 18 months earnings. Secondly, this just isn't a divorcing matter, unless you accept that you were basically marrying him for his financial contribution/social status all along.

@Kuretake agreed.

Applying for jobs in a supermarket is always the first thing to get mentioned - the reality is that they are extremely sought after.

The large new supermarket in my town had 30 times the number of job applicants compared to the actual number of available jobs. If you look at the age demographics of the people that work there, now it's open, it's definitely heavily skewed towards those aged 20-30 if you look across the age range 20-50.

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This is all fair and I would feel the same. But have you actually had these conversations in a calm and measured manner or are you just silently seething until you explode as a ball of rage?

Oh come on!
She would be divorcing him because he is behaving like a selfish prat, fannying about in a band in his 50s.
Refusing to take responsibility for the situation and allowing his wife to burn out
Finding a new job should be his No 1 priority not prending he's a rock star
He's not considering her and the impact at all
Avoidance at its best!

For 1.5 year?
Whilst taking on very little of the running of the house?

Thats not ‘Getting your hair down for a bit’. That’s taking advantage. And making himself less and less employable (becausectye market is hard and between someone who is still currently working agd someone who has been off fir 1.5 years who do you think they’ll chose?)

The job market is dire I'm looking and I am a similar age and ageism is rife.

Finding a senior role once you hit your mid 50s is tough I have applied for lots and got nowhere.
As has been said finding a supermarket/shop job is not easy either as the volume of people applying is high....it is extremely tough.
He is probably quite depressed about it all.
Just to give you a bit of an idea f what it is like...endless rejection from jobs takes it toll.