DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

He is cruising into early retirement using your savings as a landing cushion

I have to admit I am terrified of being in your DH's position. I'm a bit younger (late 40s) and earn very well but I think if I lost this job I'd hugely struggle to get something at a similar level. It's really tough out there for job seekers. I've gone from being quite breezily confident about my options to feeling I need to hang on to this job for dear life in the last few years.

I think you probably need to have a really honest sit down with him. Is he still really actively looking or do you suspect he's secretly considering himself retired? Look at your savings and pensions in the round and make a plan. Have a proper think about how much your resentment would lessen if he did all the cleaning (which he absolutely should be).

OP I think you are being a bit harsh. I sympathise with the pressure you are feeling now. But think what it must have felt for him all those years as a breadwinner.
All women that normally feel it's totally OK to be a SHAM forever this is a wake up call. It's not great on the other side. It's pressure and a lot of worry to lose it all.

What I would do is to have a frank conversation where you tell him you would prefer if he gets a job, not in his field necessary, to bring some money home. That you are feeling stressed and now understands what it must have felt for him.

Be in his team OP. I think you were going to say he was at home doing nothing but he is doing interviews, doing childcare, dropping kids and making dinners during the week. And thay hobby is keeping him positive. Possibly the stress you are going through is clouding your judgment. Hope it all gets easier soon x

Our next door neighbours run a travel agency. During covid it closed so the wife of the pair stayed working there to sort out all the cancelled holidays, refunds etc and the husband went to work as a delivery driver for Tesco. Their agency is back up and running now but he still does delivery runs twice a week( more at Christmas ). He gets paid, gets staff discount, gets to meet people for a few minutes each but mainly spends his day in a van listening to the radio and getting paid by someone else rather than worrying about being self employed. He loves it. Perfect time for your husband to get one of those jobs

If he’s been out of work for 18 months he can’t be too picky. Take a job, any job! At least then you have some money coming in, and he can continue looking for a job in his preferred industry at the same time.

Your post reminded me of this story I saw last month about how brutal it is out there for midlife men who get made redundant: https://archive.is/t9Yuq

Since the guy in this story and his former lifestyle are similar to my friendship group it was pretty sobering to read, because it shows how, in an instant, most middle class, professional families' lives and future plans can change if one of their breadwinners loses their job.

I can totally understand how and why this is so hard for you OP and I agree that if he can't currently find a job that matches his previous experience it's time for him to take anything - temp, maternity cover, even something min. wage so he's contributing and helping to make Christmas happen in your household. IMO it's not acceptable that instead of doing this he's spending hours on his hobby. Most of us have hobbies, but they only take up FREE time, not productive hours.

At the very least, he should be doing ALL the home stuff, like most SAH women do. That means childcare, shopping, cooking, cleaning, gardening, school runs, planning and making Christmas happen, etc. His hobby should only take up the time that he has free after doing all that AND searching for a job.

I was in a similar position - actually, several times. First time was when I went back to work after DS2. DH did no childminding, no chores, just focussed on his hobby, I paid for a nanny. That lasted a year. There were three other times too - in all, he has been unemplyed for 6 years of the 20 we have been married, and I have carried us through. We have no savings. DSs are now 17 and 16, and when they leave home I’m OUT - DH has been a passenger/albatross round my neck.

Op - Im not sure what people aren't getting here - I am with you - this man has basically switched off from work life - like an early retirement you can't afford

He should be looking at warehouse work/ supermarkets? If he can't get anything else?

You've answered your own question really. Part of the marriage contract for you was that you would both generate income. He has broken his side of that.
Whether your marriage brings enough benefit for you to get past that and 're contract' on the basis he now wants to do other things than generate income, only you can decide.
From what you say about your general communication and the fact your resentment is growing, it appears you're half way there.
I'd suggest that you think carefully through the pros and cons of leaving him. You'd obviously lose the limited amount of support he does bring with the domestics. Would that make your life worse? You would be subject to upheaval. Is it worth it? Is this a phase on his part? Are you approaching a temporary problem with a permanent solution?

I think when you are a couple or a family, that you are a team and should all be working together for what is best for the family. You support him while he is out of work but he should be doing everything that he can to get any work.

All your DH is doing, is what he wants. If he isn't earning, then he can't have music lessons. He can't have an expensive hobby. (Unless he has prevously financed an expensive hobby for you in the past when you weren't working..).

There must be some sort of job out there that he can do. If he can't get work in his field, then he needs to accept that and retrain or just take any job for now so that he brings something in.

As PP have said, move your half of the savings to an account in your own name and put any future savings in there, so that he can't spend what he doesn't have. You can only work as a team if both people want the same thing.

I would have a chat with him about his goals, I would say what you have said here! I would tell him that instead of doing a course, volunteer work or anything to get his career back up and running he is prioritising his hobby. I would point out that in the periods when you had to work less you had younger children and you did all of their care and all the housework which allowed his career to progress - as it stands you are still doing laundry and housework and the children are no longer in need of that level of care.

I would give him an ultimatum, he needs to show he is serious about getting back into the workforce or you walk. This could be retraining to do something he is more interested in but you need him to go and sign up with job agencies - including temp agencies and/or sign up for a productive course that will get him into a career.

Was the work he did before office based or manual labour? Is his hobby something that could be monetised, are there adjacent careers within that field (ie doing book keeping or office work for a band)?

A friend of mine was in this situation. Thoroughly demoralised after a redundancy by the job market. Turned out she had an Amazon depot nearby so she went and worked there school hours, term time only whilst trying to get back on her feet. Sounds ridiculous but it was genius. Gave her something to do while the kids were at school and a sense of purpose when she was feeling low about the situation. she eventually did find a job back in her original field but that work she did in the meantime really helped her keep going through a difficult period. And the money was really helpful.

My cousin is a similar age, he was made redundant and couldn’t get a job in the same field as previously and he is currently retraining as a driving test examiner. I really admire him for starting afresh. My DH’s cousin retrained in his 40s as a teacher. Your DH needs to widen his field. And he needs to do everything around the house.

She was NOT a SAHM though. And even if she was she was taking on all the house and children related stuff, which HE is not doing.
She was a lower earner.

Which would mean him getting a part time or lower paid job regardiess of whether it’s in his area (work wise, not location) or not.
And him taking on all the house related stuff.

Even though you could argue that him not doing that would put her in a better place if they end up divorcing due to his behaviour/resentment in the OP side

@Stormyday34 it also gave potential employers the message she WANTED to work. Whereas 1,5 years with no work, concentrating on a hobby etc… gives the opposite message (which also explains why the OP is pissed off)

Either you need to lay down the law BIG STYLE, or maybe you could upgrade DP. Should be easy to find a selfish lazy so and so who is at least willing to stack shelves three evenings a week whilst sponging off you, which would be an upgrade on current DP

It might have changed as it's a long time since I've done it, but I use to love temping and found it a good way to get into a decent job and earn in the meantime. (Pre mortgage I use to work in short term funded roles).

With a good agency see the first role as a test to see if you have a good work ethic and know your stuff. From the second one you should be getting better opportunities and the chance to be taken on permanently if they like you and you them. I use to love the try before you buy opportunity.

I would definitely say I’ve dropped my hobby to support us, and I feel like you don’t think you need to make anything like the same effort as I do. I just did my last load of laundry until I feel like you’re covering a large amount of what I did for us while you were earning more. You should know I’m seriously considering everything, as if we are going to be using the savings up without you making finding work a priority I’d rather be a single mum without savings than a married mum who’s husbands focus is his hobby. Finding work includes looking for temp jobs to bring in some money to pay for Christmas.

I am amazed how many people say it is ok for 1 partner to completely opt out of any financial responsibility for the family 😮

i think this man putting 100% of the financial responsibility onto OP is not a sign of good partnership or teamwork

yes, things change and shit happens, but for him to just throw himself into a hobby instead of working is massively unfair

OP I get that this is really tough and unfair on you and I am baffled by all the responses tbh

you need to sit down with him chat frankly about how you are both going to manage financially if him not working goes past 2 years: can he do any consultancy? Free lance work? Retrain? Work as a delivery driver? Dog sitter? Anything to ease the financial pressure on you both?

I have seen a few men slide into a hobby filled early retirement in their early 50s, where suddenly the wife has to become the breadwinner

it is quite common but you have to both agree to be ok with this (I would not be)

So you think your answer to FINANCIAL problems, is to get a divorce? Do you think you will be FINANCIALLY in a better position AFTER a divorce and as a single parent?

Roles reversed do you think he would leave you?

If the answer is 'Yes' to above questions, then sure go for it.

Depends on the industry and his age. To be brutal, if he's over 50, he's virtually unemployable in today's job market. There will be a pile on saying how I'm wrong; but that's the reality. It's not his fault, we find it easier as there is a political emphasis on women at the moment. But for men, it's a different story.

He will have to adjust his thinking and go for any job, not just the ones he wants.

Good luck with it all.

I'm now mid 40's and recently realised the next ten years are likely to be the peak of my career and that I won't keep climbing until 68, the last 10-15 years of my career are likely to be lower than now on average, it's quite a scary realisation, hopefully we can kick the kids out about that time!

When I was in your situation I found it extremely difficult and stressful. In the end, after 18 months, I you'd him he needed to get an 'any job'. I said if he didn't I would also give up work and we'd see how we got on. He got a minimum wage job the following week.

It was below his skill set for sure and I hated having to watch him go off and work hard for little reward. It felt so unfair. He was still applying for jobs at his previous level but didn't even get an interview.

I think as women our internal unconscious bias is that we shouldn't be the breadwinner. We are conditioned to be 'looked after' and that's why it feels so difficult.

Yep, the structure of working casually or volunteering looks good. Its the structure of commiting to be somewhere at specific times and keeping your current soft skills fresh and maybe gaining new ones whilst looking for work. It demonstrates an attitude attractive to employers.

URNBU I would expect after 18 months for him to be taking any job at this point and not dicking about like a teenager