DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

So for most of your marriage, you worked and did all the domestic and childcare labour. You're still working, but now he's retired and you still do a good chunk of the domestic labour. No wonder you're pissed off, OP.

That’s not quite what the OP said ,

My DH was the main earner.

Was being the operative word here , and now she is , life changes - sometimes you have to take the bad with the good

If he was previously the higher wage earner... why do you think its unfair?
He's doing stuff around the house surely?
Whats the issue? You want to be kept?

Everyone saying there's no work, have you tried getting a good cleaner or gardener recently, or a window cleaner? There are plenty of areas of self employment with high demand and a low barrier to entry.

But when she was the lower earner, she wasn't pissing around with hobbies all day. She was working, and looking after the kids/house. Hardly the same thing, is it?

Out of work for 18 months?! If he can’t get a job in his industry he’ll have to look outside his industry. A lower paid job is better than no job.

What kind of man turns his attention towards a hobby after being unemployed for 18 months while his family is having to dip into their savings to keep afloat? Pathetic!

Christmas is coming and it is just going to be sad. I am not expecting anything at all but we have kids and I bet we will be dipping into savings again to buy them presents.

Don't spend your precious savings on Christmas.
Yes, it is sad, but you just have to explain to the DC that money is tight and they will not be getting any expensive presents this year. They are old enough to understand money.

People on here often bandy about the ‘get a job in a supermarket’ suggestion like there are just loads of vacancies there for the picking. There aren’t. I am an older (woman, made redundant from office job) and there is not one single supermarket job near me (except the occasional online shopper 4am start). I even thought I might be willing to do nights but there is nothing. Supermarkets have self checkout and staff doubling up cashier and shelf filling duties. Go in to my local Sainsbury’s and even at Christmas there’s barely any staff on the floor.

I agree. The house is his job now, which will not equate to 37 hours work (unless you live somewhere huge) and he’s still got time for a hobby and job hunting.

have you told him? Resentment is absolutely soul destroying and will kill a relationship.

Some of the advice here isn’t what I would give….People in senior professional roles shouldn’t take “any job” while job hunting unless they need the money.

Being “Creative Director” for 15 years and then having one year working at tesco stacking shelves on your CV will demonstrably not improve your employability. There is a reason it’s easier to find a job when you have a job - it makes you seem in demand! Your goal should be to maintain the impression you’re still in demand, even when you’re not and taking a job that is well below your skill level doesn’t not give that impression.

In fact, he is actually in a much better position in interviews to say he has taken a career break to pursue a long term passion for music and has developed his band to the point where they are playing gigs etc but now looking to get back into a corporate role.

If you absolutely need the money then you take a minimum wage job but this stays off your CV and you come up with a good story for what you’ve been doing in the meantime.

Agree with PP that would be more useful for him to pursue some career related pro bono work/projects to demonstrate application of his career skills and give him something to talk about in interviews that’s a bit interesting (eg helped charity double income from events as a volunteer).

I still do a lot of chores (all laundry, organising weekly shop, cooking at weekends)

This is the thing you have to change.

You can't change his job situation. You can't change the fact that you are now the main earner (or actually sole earner for the foreseeable future).
You can't change his attitude to his hobby, or his motivation or focus.
You may hate it, but you can't change it.

What you can change is how much housework, admin, and mental load you do outside of your paid employment.
So tell him he is now doing all the laundry, all the shopping, and all the cooking, including at weekends.
Then, don't pick up the pieces if (when) he messes up or fails.
If no meal appears at the weekend, order a take away for you and the DC, but nothing for him. Or take the DC out to eat, without him.
He has to see that you mean what you say.

We don’t know what the OP’s DH did before being made redundant. I doubt delivery driver or shelf stacker would be appropriate. It might be that contract work would make more sense, if he can find it.

How long can you keep going OP? Is there a point where you need to downsize and make major adjustments to carry on? Maybe agreeing when you will need to put the house up for sale will get his attention? Maybe working out the minimum he needs to earn to keep the house would focus him.

No matter what OP, keep making your own pension contributions.

We bought our first house, 💯 mortgage and top up for new doors windows,CH, DH employer said excellent mortgage Risk,job for life....they lied! The premises were sold,4 weeks later, they closed. He was in the motor trade, me nursing. He walked into jobs sometimes the following week, sometimes head hunted in the 1990s. He was old school, did a proper thorough job. Downsized to the 2 bedroom bungalow,he was going to carry on traveling. I was ft nights,Surrey hospital, London weighting etc..got a local hospital job, money a lot less. Just given my notice,he came home,sat staring into space. They'd been called into the office, liquidation from that moment. He had a nervous breakdown (he'd been made redundant 5 times in 8 years) antidepressants, diazepam. He applied for over 50 jobs,he was 56, treated like scum in the job centre,told her would probably never work again. Offered one job,in an open barn in winter,no proper ramps, health and safety,huh! No way. Only local vacancies (near seaside town) was care worker. I rescinded my notice, stayed in my job. Exactly a year later, the old garage was bought up by large company and he went back. They didn't like him, he does a proper job, they wanted the cars thrown out, only interested in making money. I am 7 years older,we both carried on till government retirement age. My oldest DD 55, is in a similar position. She has been management for a number of years. One of the big 3 supermarkets, restaurants. Just had her pay and hours shortened, applied to one of the discount supermarkets, application declined, they want degree level. She can't do anything particularly physical or drive, she has a massive hernia (awaiting surgery)

I moved up North just before covid and found myself unemployed. I ended up taking a min wage job in a call centre work from home. I'm still here over 4 years later and have moved up twice and doubled my salary. TBF low starting point. Sometimes you've just got to earn money and get started somewhere, the job was easy, set hours, paid overtime and no stress. Maybe careers advice would help. Job market is hard right now. We're interviewing at the moment for a new client, it's WFH and easy albeit not much above min wage.

I would be frustrated too! The dynamics of your marriage have completely changed and it’s within his gift to change it.

I would expect him to be applying for roles. A lot of corporates, especially US based have a new financial year 1st January so still worth applying now, for a January start. Fine to do hobby but not at the expense of his career. He is at a dangerous age where a career break will look dodgy. Have you looked at his cv? Do you know any recruiters who can take a look to improve it?

Temp roles are hard to find but how about Uber?

Job market in IT is booming, gaming is a major issue however. What industry is he in?

Perhaps he has no intention of getting back into work and this is a form of early retirement. Do the minimum, pretend he’s trying when he isn’t, get on with his hobby. You do everything else.

Same. I was made redundant from a good professional job in Sept. While I desperately try and find a job that will support my home and son (lone parent) I have applied for casual, temp, supermarket jobs. Rejected from Tesco and Aldi (it was probably clear I'd be off as soon as I got a better job). I can't apply to Aldi again for another 6 months unless it's a lower paid role (ha ha ha, when the one I applied for was min wage).

Anyway, I'm going to hide this thread as I'm sinking into depression and it's not helpful.

Agree he needs to get some kind of work. Anything- shelf stacking, cafe, tutoring, teaching assistant, security guard. He’ll benefit from being back in the world of work and bring a bit of money in. You need to get to a place where you’re not dipping into savings and work from there upwards.

On the hobby though, I would try not to resent it. He may be at an all time low in terms of confidence and resilience- maybe he needs the hobby to build his sense of self worth?

In terms of the pressure on you, could you consider downsizing or cutting back a bit do you could have your own hobby back (especially if you’re now dipping into savings).

I agree with a lot of the questions here - is he being flexible enough to secure employment, whether going in at a slightly lower level, taking something not quite right but worthy of his background etc?

I say this because I know at least two men who were made redundant, declared they would only go back in at the same high level in their industry and basically haven't worked since as a result!

One in particular is chasing pipe dreams a decade on while my friend works like a trojan, it drives me crackers. He should have found ANY job long, long ago.

It does sound hard for him but I can understand OPs frustration and to be honest I'd have a massive ick about a middle aged man playing at being a rock star while his wife works and worries about buying their kids Xmas presents.

This. The fact that he hasn't taken everything on says a lot. But he simply needs to if you are busy and stressed. You need to be relaxing outside of such stressful work especially if you are also retraining

He needs to find some kind of work, even if part time freelance of retail, whatever - such that he is making some contribution and also having time to look for a better job - just waiting for endless months of applying for the same thing and getting nowhere is unproductive and likely damaging his mental state.

Ask whether his band charges to perform?
Could your DH take on a paid musical engagement at weddings, bars etc once per week?

I would also insist that DH find a volunteer position for one day per week in a firm that keeps his skills relevant. He might be offered a job or hear about some too if he has regular contact with his industry.
Is there a course of study that could improve DH's prospects?

At least the music is keeping him positive thinking.
Confidence is important.
Good luck and stick together.

I am in a very similar situation and whilst I understand the resentment, try to show some understanding of how debilitating it is not having a job. It's impossible to even imagine ever getting a job. My DH hasn't worked in 4 years and he's 50. I'm not sure he'll ever work again. It makes me a bit sad because it's just such a huge waste, but I'm trying to encourage him into any role that gets him out of the house. He does a lot of volunteering, does some hobbies that aren't particularly time consuming, but he's developed an obsession with the washing that seems to get in the way.
I do feel resentful, yes. But I guess I'm trying not to be. Our marriage is certainly worth it and in any case I'd be utterly stuffed in a divorce!

Err I'd love to know which bit of the IT job market is booming...