DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

This is so true! 😔ageism is rife …don’t know what the answer is.

Am in this boat and feel on the scrap heap.

I have no plans to retire early and frankly I don't think we can afford it. We can downsize when kids get older and move out (if ever?), we haven't got a spare room. The retirement age I believe is 68? I have 25 years left, he has 16.

Most people don’t get to retire according to their plan. Very few make it to the government pension age still working. That’s the reality of life. It’s not fair, but you need a Plan B because the idea we can all choose when to retire is a myth.

I’d be concerned he is retired in his head.

And you being so much younger than him, the resentment will grow for years.

I do agree with this sadly -

18 months is ridiculous
I’ve been made redundant twice in 6 months
first time I finished on a Friday and was in the new job by Monday
this time I was out of work for 9 days

Defence

Sorry, I must have been thinking of a different thread.

I was made redundant ar 51, was out of work for 16 months, admittedly not looking hard all that time. I was recently promoted after 10 months in a new job, and we just offered a job to a guy who is 60.

But some of the others we've interviewed- they could probably do the job, but they just didn't give evidence in interview that they really understood some of the technical stuff their CVs said they did, or even the stuff like working in a team. I mean, surely everyone will have done some sort of teamwork somewhere? Or make it upconvincingly. We can tell whether you know about Active Directory group policies and stuff, but really, we're not going to go back to a previous employer to check if you really did work through that customer problem with two other teams, so think up some answers that will sound good, if you really don't have the experience.

So yeah - lots of people could improve on their interview technique, and age doesn't seem to be relevant there.

Yeah. Have been trying to get him to apply...

What’s your line of work?
How did you manage to secure work in 0 working days after your first redundancy?

Mixed but mostly customer service
I was notified I was being made redundant but asked to stay on retention for 2-3 months so I started applying the day after I found out and secured a start date so I could go straight from retention into a new job. I was let go there after 8 weeks due to over staffing

this time I took 24hrs to breathe/whinge/cry and then got straight onto every job website, contacted people I know and went back to recruitment agencies etc

OK, so that's not quite the same as losing your job one day and walking into a new one the next. You actually had 2 or 3 months notice.

I am glad you found it so easy to find work, but you must surely understand that despite people's best efforts (maybe not OP's DH!) many, many people are struggling to find work.

Yes? I was also made redundant again on the 4th November and had 3 interviews secured the same week, 2 offers and took 1
i don't have the option of being without a job, I’m a sole earner so it’s whatever I need to do work wise
there are jobs out there and I’m in the NW so it’s not abundant with them
if you need the money you do any job rather than fucking around with hobbies

I am also a single income household with a child to support.
I was made redundant mid Sept (1 months notice from mid Aug).
I have applied for about 30 jobs in my field (each one takes 2 or 3 days to do a thorough application), about 15 I would regard as professional yet minimum wage and a few supermarket roles. I've received very, very many rejections.
For many it is not as straight forward as 'do any job'. I have tried.

I have to had to balance the gruelling and dehumanising task of applying, with trying to be optimistic and positive while managing expectations (rejection after rejection).
Thankfully I do appear to have secured some short-term freelance work as well as a final interview for a job in my field.

You are clearly skilled and successful at securing work, but please don't conclude that people who have been unemployed for a long period of time are just not trying hard enough.

I’m talking about the OP husband though, you clearly haven’t been fucking about with hobbies! I think if you don’t have someone to rely on he would have taken something. I don’t think the time you took was bad at all

I’m not skilled at all, mostly earned around 28k
my plan of application was to do in order
jobs I want locally
jobs I want further afield
jobs I don’t want locally
jobs I don’t want further afield
anything that would take me

He needs to bring in some money. I'm assuming his hobby isn't costing anything? If so, that would be the first thing to go, I'm afraid.

DH is a similar sort of age and looking to retire from his current role next year. We've been planning towards this for some time. He won't be retiring from the workforce altogether.

Could he deliver for uber eats or just eat? I don’t know how easy that is to get into.

It’s relatively easy as long as you have a driving licence and fill out all the paperwork. My son does it and earns a decent amount

@susiedaisy1912do you need some kind of special insurance for it too?

Thanks that sounds good. I just don't think he is desperately trying to find temporary work. I don't think we can afford this in long term so what is needed is a plan for when he does not get anywhere -maybe from January?

January? He needs to find work NOW!

I was about to say the same thing. Surely the next 4 weeks are peak time for casual work?

Anything to bring in some money and get him out of the house into something productive would be my view.

My DH did this in his early 50s. He barely earned anything for 5 years. I think he just wanted to retire really. He did all sorts of things that took loads of time and earned nothing. Don't let him do any sort of self-employed stuff unless he genuinely has skills that can earn some money, too much time wasted designing websites, business cards. Total fantasy. He did training, got qualifications and then decided he didn't want to do that anymore! He's now working in a part-time minimum wage job and has been doing that for the last 5 years. He's now coming up to retirement except he can't as we've got a couple of expensive holidays booked and we need to pay for these.

I get it, it's not about being the breadwinner, it's about sharing the financial load.

Some people do look down on him because he hasn't got a high status job. But who cares.

Why wait until January? It's been 18 months and the Christmas season is probably a good time of year for Uber Eats deliveries.