DH Redundancy and I lost perspective

[SorrowfulWife]

My DH was the main earner but was made redundant a year and a half ago. He has been looking for a job in his industry but found nothing - some interviews but no offers. Just before his redundancy I got a better job, thank goodness and almost reached his prior earnings by now, but not quite. Still, we have lost one income and I have found it extremely stressful.
I think at this stage I completely lost perspective on what my expectations should be. In the meantime, he got heavily engaged in a hobby which I become really resentful of, just because it feels like he is prioritising his hobby goals( let's say.it is playing in a band) whilst all I do is work to try and keep us afloat.
He has been doing all school runs and most of cooking, maybe a bit more life admin and childcare but that's about it. He is not under immediate pressure because we have a saving pot, to which we now have started dipping.
We are basically in limbo, until he finds a new job. I am beginning to wonder if there is anything in our marriage worth fighting for. To say it has been a disappointment is an understatement, but I am at loss at what to do. Meanwhile, he got himself a hobby event booked that will now take a lot of his time for the next 4 months. I feel like if he was serious about finding a job he would focus on that, but instead he is doing what he likes and wants. Maybe it is his midlife crisis (early 50s). Our communication is awful and relationship probably has never been worse. Work ethics is really important to me so having a husband that has not been working for so long has really taken its toll but I don't know what to do next.

I agree with this. It's not fair to only look for well paid jobs, if he's not getting any interest. My friends husband couldn't get a similarly paid job after redundancy, after 3 months he applied to Sainsbury's. Because that's what you do. You can keep looking but support your family too! I'd wonder why I was with my unemployed husband after a year and a half too! Happy to dip into your money for his hobby!

This is exactly what I picked up from your initial post - you're now the main breadwinner AND still picking up vast majority of everything else, while he is prioritising his hobby. You haven't lost perspective.

I think it is really hard for men in their 50s. A route that seems to work for many is to do temporary corporate jobs an a day rate.

That way, skills can still be used, and the money is decent. It’s not steady, but it’s something to tide them over till retirement.

Ageism at work is really sad and stupid. I think it has to do with existing managers being afraid of an experienced person coming in and overshadowing them. Or they feel intimidated to manage someone with so much experience. They see it as a threat rather than an opportunity.

Being a day rater gets around some of these psychological biases.

He doesn’t sound grumpy at all to me. Quite the opposite.
There are temp. supermarket jobs going where I live.

Has he tried high street employment agencies? They may have temp office work which might suit him better? Or on line agencies. They do the work rather than him applying directly.

Can he get a temp christmas job - think there would be retail/shop floor/warehouse jobs. This would get him used to being in a routine again, hopefully provide enough to stop dipping into savings, hopefully boost his self esteem, and can potentially fill a gap on his CV.

I gave my DH a month to find a job. I said if he didn't get a job in that time, all of his hobbies would have to stop so we could save money.

Men are feckless and if you give them an inch, they will take a mile.

I have no idea how you have lasted 18 months of this bullshit.

I 100% agree with that. He probably worked hard for over 30 years. You marry for good times and bad times. Sadly these days there is so little will to compromise in a relationship that I find it surprising why people marry at all in the first place if they think like this. I would say, don't think about yourself, think about the whole family, before you take a decision, is it worth saving for kids, for example. Do they think he is a great father? I know it's not a popular thinking in these ultra-liberal times we live in, but still...

Brilliant comment.

Except, she actually had a job and was raising children, doing house work and all of the mental load.

Her "D"H doesn't have a job, at all, and hasn't for 18 months. He is doing bits around the house, but nowhere to the same amount OP would have been doing in the same situation.

18 MONTHS!!!! Come on!

I totally agree with you op, he obviously feels he has it made and doesn't seem to care about the dwindling savings. He should massively be lowering his expectations. Could you work out how much of your savings have been used in the last 18 months, it would give you both an idea of what he should be bringing to the family pot at a minimum.

I think you're being a bit mean OP. DH was the major breadwinner for a long time, and supported you. Now it's your turn to step up.

There's no reason why DH can't have a hobby AND look for jobs. I've been there (more than once). Being made redundant can have a massive effect on one's self esteem, and job seeking is hard and can also be relentless and depressing - you need some time off from it sometimes.

It's hard to find a job anyway these days - apparently lots of graduates are struggling too. Finding a job in late middle age, at the salary he's probably expecting, can be even more difficult. Even though age discrimination is illegal, it definitely exists (they just find another reason).

In what way is he doing 'a fair bit' around the house when the op has explicitly stated she is still doing the vast majority? She is clearly burning out.

Mental how he was the breadwinner but she still worked and carried the domestic load and childcare. Now she's the breadwinner and still carrying most of the domestic load and childcare and now being mean.

At this point he just needs to find any job at 50 he's unlikely to get the one he wants

Mean??? Are you joking??

She has worked the whole time, bar maternity. She was still working, even though he was earning more.

He is literally doing NOTHING but his hobby and some jobs around the house, and has been doing this for 18 MONTHS!

You are not being unfair. As a couple you should not be dipping into your savings pot to fund his hobby and SAHD lifestyle. It is not sustainable so if he can't get a job in his own industry then he needs to keep on applying and spend his hobby time on paid work of whatever kind to keep the savings topped up.

My dh is 56. He has just started a new job with more money at a higher level than his last job, albeit he was formerly at this level several years ago.

Just before the pandemic in a round of cost cutting, he was pushed out of the job of over 20 years. It took him about 5 months to get another job and he took that time to work with a recruitment specialist to rewrite his cv, learn interview techniques, which served him well.

The job he got wasn’t as high level as he was used to. However, he extremely well paid for what he was supposed to do on paper as the company had had a series of new hires in the role, who didn’t perform when dh did. He has just left that role for the new company. Dh is not in a growth industry at all but has a really good recruitment consultant contact, who got him his last job and this new job and this time around, the company was so impressed that he was the only person interviewed for the job.

Idk what to suggest in your position op. If your dh would listen, I would do exactly what my dh did. 1) Use (and pay) a specialist agency to fill any gaps in knowledge and brush up cv / interview techniques. 2) Find industry specific recruitment consultants and hopefully find someone in an agency willing to push him. 3) Remove the dates he left education and omit his first job/ jobs depending on how long they lasted on his cv. This way they won’t be able to tell exactly how old he is until they need his details for payroll etc.

"A bit mean"
get away 😅😅😅

This guys "enchanced household contribution" is less than my dh does and he works 45-55hr week (as do I)....

And @SorrowfulWife wasnt sitting on her arse plinking away on a guitar when "he was the breadwinner". She was working and earning and her earnings were at least in part lower due to her career being stalled by the patriatchy for having the audacity to birth and raise children. She did that while working and carrying the domestic load.

She is not "a bit mean"
He is taking the piss

Agree with @SalmonOnFinnCrisp that he now has to become a house husband while you are the main breadwinner. In the meantime hobbies go on the back burner and he should be applying for anything and everything.

Menwhile how is DH at basic DIY/handyperson? My local network is full of people wanting someone to do a small DIY/cleaning/gendening job for cash in hand. He would not earn a great deal but it would be something to put in the pot.

I would also have a very realistic talk with the children. Buying expensive presents out of savings is a non starter. Look on vinted/ebay/charity shops for gifts because beggers cant be choosers. Dont go into debt to buy tat for your kids just because its christmas.

This. He needs to get some kind of job, even if part time and at a lower pay grade just to show he is trying and contributing. I have a professional job but I have said to my husband, if I was ever out of work, I would work in retail or hospitality until I found another job in my field. The only instance where it make sense to SAH instead is if you can take a young DC out of nursery and save on nursery fees. You have my sympathies. I would also be resentful.

I think you are being unrealistic OP. As has been pointed out men in their 50s doing corporate / professional roles are being laid off. In my industry, it has been brutal. Theres a good chance he won't ever get a role similar to his last one.

If he works in something where there are contract roles, I'd suggest he pivots to one of those. Otherwise maybe look at what he could do to freelance in something adjacent to what he did before or something that aligns with his skills and interests.

The 'get any job' approach won't work (other than for temp roles) because a) he won't be what they are looking for and b) they know he would leave if offered a better role.

In your position I'd happily accept that I was now 'breadwinner' and reorganise your lives. But that doesn't mean you doing everything while he splits his time between his hobby and jobhunting. It means rearranging things so you don't need him to earn what he did and he moves into a supporting role.

My husband was made redundant a similar time ago, slightly different as he then had a breakdown and has quit various jobs over the last year due to anxiety. He is medicated now and did actually apply for a 4am online shopping stint, had an interview and didn't get it. They didn't even bother to reply. TBH I think if you have previously had a professional job you are less likely to get retail jobs because there are so many people applying with retail experience, and even the anti social hours jobs have several experienced applicants.
TBH I feel the same as OP. It's more irritating as he has got jobs in the post but decided he couldn't do them (a lot of it because he didn't engage in treatment or therapy) and now he can't even get a minimum wage job because of the jobs climate. I don't know what the answer is. It has also affected our marriage as I feel resentful too about it and I feel the v stress of the past 18 months has affected my physical health.

If 'any job' is good for the goose then it's good for the gander.

Around here, B&Q, Fast Food chains, and delivery companies are crying out for staff as the turn around is so high, not great jobs long term but at least it would be something. Has he applied for anything like this op or is he still hoping to get back into his profession?