Pregnant and now I'm back in the fold

[MrsBingoLittle]

Me and my parents always had a close relationship. When I moved out we'd speak four or five times a week on the phone. Me and my ex would go round regularly for family meals and we had lovely Christmas's of 15 or 20 people. Big celebrations and really joyful.

A few years ago me and my ex split up, and this coincided with the birth of my parents first and only grandchild. I have to say I was bitterly lonely at the time, but my parents no longer had the time for phone calls, everytime I would ring they were helping out with baby.

I guess it was unfortunate timing, I needed support and my brother needed support and my brothers needs was more fun.

For context my parents probably are with my brothers family 3 or 4 full days a week.

Over time I rebuilt my life and am happy and settled. I dont speak to my parents as much as I once did, and miss that, and said that too my mum a few months ago, hoping to articulate that I missed the closeness of our relationship -but was told that grandchild is out number 1 priority and the light of our lives and we just don't have time to see you as much. Fine, but I dont think it needed to be said outloud.

Anyway I am early days pregnant, thrilled. But now I am getting daily phonecalls from my parents, texts on the family WhatsApp group which had been quiet for months, invites to family trips to the fun farm (whereas before if I'd asked about it I would have been. Dismissed as it not being my kind of thing). All sorts.

Whist I am delighted to be thought of again and don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, it feels like my value to the family is in providing a cousin and a grandchild. And I am feeling quite suspect of the complete change in behaviour.

I also don't like that I was told they don't have the time for me, but now all of a sudden the time is there, so they just didn't want to speak to me rather than couldn't

It doesnt feel supportive or kind, just excited about a new baby.

I can't work out my feelings on this, I'm just so confused. Should I feel grateful to be back in, or and I justified in being annoyed?

I can't process my family reaction on top of everything else.

You are justified in being annoyed. They aren't welcoming you back into the fold - they see you as an incubator.

It is up to you how you process it and move forward.

I would find it very hard to forgive and forget and get involved with the family again.

Edit to say I would probably cut my nose off to spite my face, as they have shown you how important you are to them.

I think you’re really overthinking this. At the time, their support was needed with a new grandchild on the scene. They can’t be all things to all people, all the time. Why cut your nose off now to spite your face? You want to be closer to them, so make it happen, and stop holding grudges and dwelling on the past. Move on, be happy, have nice times with your family.

Your parents sound a bit odd! Can’t imagine not having time for both of my kids no matter how old they get…I’d just go with it for now, but be wary of relying on them too much if support can be withdrawn at the drop of a hat.
I imagine your brother is just composing a post “worried Dm and DF will no longer interested in my DC now my DSis has announced she’s pregnant…”!

The problem with family like this is often it’s only the shiny new baby that is prioritised. My MIL is like this - a new baby comes into the family and she’s all over them, but then they are cast aside if a new baby comes along, which ends up feeling like favouritism. So that’s what I would be wary of - she might cast aside your siblings child in favour of yours, then if another baby is born to your sibling then yours will be cast aside too.

Be careful with all this involvement especially when your baby is born.

Your brother's wife might have been able to put some boundaries in with your parents, as she had the slight detachment of not being their child herself.

But now your parents/mother might feel that they'll be able to completely run roughshod over you, and you'll just have to acquiesce - in terms of anything to do with the baby being their way, their wishes. And if you try to put it in any boundaries they might emotionally blackmail you, etc.

I don't know about this one. I would be more upset if they DIDN'T extend the same support when they were also supporting the brother. Do you think they would not have been distant to your brother if he had not had a child - or would it have been the same? Or do you feel that they are only excited about the prospect of a baby and you're irrelevant in it (ie. not asking how you are or supporting you as a person as well)? Ultimately family dynamics are complicated so it's hard to say from the outside.

So your parents' love and attention is tied to your reproductive status? Disgusting IMO.

Sod that.. Your relationship hasn't been repaired. They are just using you to get to your dc. Bet their friends have them as Dgps of the year.
Ime a shite dm /df makes for a rubbish dgp.. Be less available. You know your worth op.

I'd be upset that they didn't seem to care much for you in those pre grandchild years. I'd be tempted to play it by ear, accept help off them if needed and see how they treat you as an individual. I'd also fully expect them to drop you again once another family baby comes along, so don't become reliant on them. People go gaga over babies but lose interest once they become older.
If it transpires they only care about grand babies and not their own adult children I'd have no problem pointing it out to them.

I would have another chat about why their behaviour towards you has changed just because you are pregnant. Explain you are hurt and feel that their interest in you is not as a daughter but as mother of their grandchild. Their reaction can impact how much you see them in future but I'd be inclined to be a bit standoffish given their previous behaviour towards you.

If my parents had actually said that 'grandchild is our number 1 priority and the light of our lives and we just don't have time to see you as much', I wouldn't really bother with them again. It is such a mean thing to say and now that you are 'doing the right thing' by getting pregnant, they expect you to forget their complete lack of support when you needed it and to give them full access to your pregnancy and your child when it is born.

I'd say 'fuck that'.

Are they providing childcare? Or are they just doting, suffocating visitors?

It would be business as usual for me. Your parents have behaved terribly and they are only interested in playing the supergrandparents to your baby. Don't respond any more that the new normal and if when they talk about having your baby for days out and sleepovers, just say 'that won't be happening'. How dare they.

I would be inclined to limit somewhat their access to your baby when he/she arrives. If they query this tell them baby is now your no. 1 priority and you simply don't have as much time for them.

I think this is more about their ego than you.

You are now reproducing their genetics and providing what they want and what they are interested in. They sound self / family dynasty absorbed. That is mean spirited, I can understand why you are upset.

I ld say be wary. They probably have a preference for boys (or offspring producing children??). You will know.

What happens if the pregnancy doesn't progress (god forbid and very unlikely), do you get dumped again? Their value appears to be wrapped up in their new role as grandparents and their legacy. This seems blinkered and unkind.

To be fair they haven't lost interest in my brother's as they've got older. I do think it is a grandchild thing rather than a baby thing.

They are still with my brother 3 or 4 times a week , they are just now finding the time to call me on the drive home or similar whereas before they wouldn't bother.

Childcare, or even if it isn't childcare they are providing my brother with practical help which is why they are there so much. So if they go for a family day out my mother will always leave them a meal in the fridge for the weekdays so they don't have to cook after work for example.

At this stage though they aren't offering support and none is being asked for. They are just pretending that the last few years haven't happened for example my mum is phoning me everyday for a chat about the tennis club, or church or whatever on her way home from my brother's. Which started the day after I told them and hasn't happened for years.

It's like they are trying to erase the last few years. Although if I was being charitable I could say mum phones me when she thinks of me, and now I'm pregnant she's thinking about me a lot.

I struggle to understand your Mum's mentality and emotional connection to the world.

Much as I love my grandchildren, they could never supercede my children in my priorities and I simply would not want that degree of involvement in their day to day lives. I'm surprised your brother and his wife are OK with this. ( Their take would be interesting. )
Personally, I'd probably be looking at a face without a nose but that's me. You have to do what suits your emotional needs best.
But I would urge caution. If you don't want a level of involvement that doesn't suit you, get those boundaries in place now.
Congratulations on the baby.

Feel for you OP. We were trying and failing to conceive when my brother and his gf accidentally got pregnant. My parents hardly ever called me and when they did, it was only ever to tell me about my niece (who I did care for, obviously). They didn't ask about me, or what I was up to - or anything. Conversation was painful and slow. Calls became less and less.

Then when I got pregnant, I became interesting again - calls became more frequent. Though it was still all very baby focused, it was like I was a valid human again.

My eldest is 15 now and I'd say my parents show me and my kids the same attention as my brother and his. They wouldn't know I resented those years where they barely spoke to me. They have offered support over the years that has been helpful and appreciated.

But what I've realised is that they don't know much about me as a person. They're not interested either when I try to talk about my own experiences (but happy to talk about their own). They don't know what I like to do, read, watch, eat, anything.

I think sometimes they wonder why I'm not as close to them as my aunt and her daughters. But it's because she was always interested in my cousins, babies or not.

It's too late to change anything now and I'm glad the relationship has been mostly okay over the years but it makes me a little sad they could never even see it.

I think I blew up once when I was pregnant and worried about miscarrying and said to my mum I didn't think she cared - she was very offended. And she honestly didn't get it. So I didn't mention it again.

What is your relationship like with your brother? Do you see his child much?

I would be honest and tell your parents that you’ve very hurt with how they’ve treated you and to move on you’re going to need them to take accountability and apologise.

That's a tough one to sort out in your head.

Initially i would just keep my replies - no matter how much their contact - to what had become normal since the Wonder Grandchild was born.

And then see how comfortable you feel with it all. It is ok to say to them - "you know what, i liked the reduced contact we had over the last few years, i would like to keep to that"

Congrats on your pregnancy, try not to let this overshadow this exciting time

Do you actually want your mum to call u or every day?? Or are you viewing it as proof she loves you if she's trying to suffocate you with her presence? The SIL is probably doing her nut TBH