Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

Turn up on Christmas morning with a tray of mince pies and announce your pregnancy

Your partner should definitely be spending Christmas with his pregnant girlfriend / wife. Has he already booked the ticket?

I get why you’re not keen to fly to NZ. Uncomfortable and lots of jet lag. But I’d be inclined to go with him if he’s already booked the tickets. When you’re there, it’ll be lovely and - as a PP said - much easier to fly now than when the baby is born.

Leave your parents and brother to it, I say. They know you’re going to be alone and they’ve decided to avoid talking about it so they can avoid feeling guilty about it.

Have your partner stay or have a lovely holiday in NZ. You’re getting morning sickness now, but you may not be in six weeks. Often, women feel better in their second trimester (which is presumably what you’ll be in by then!). And it’s summer over there!

So sorry OP. I don’t have advice, just hope everything works out somehow.

1. They know he plans to go away
2. When you get together, all the parties come

If your inkling is true, it’s hurtful from them both. Particularly your brother who initiated it, but also for your parents for going along with it in the knowledge you’d be alone. Also for your brother not telling you, and for whoever is changing the subject when you bring it up.

Ask outright what’s going on, then ask why, and then make your views on the matter clear. I’d then put some distance between you and everyone involved until they learn to value you better.

This. I think there's more to this story than what OP is telling us. It would be interesting to hear her brother's point of view and reasons.

Ask outright what’s going on, then ask why,

I agree to this point, but not
and then make your views on the matter clear.

There's something quite powerful about silence. Ask them outright and then ask them why - and let them hear themselves. Let your parents realise that their favouritism is very hurtful.

I agree, this is a key point.

I'm sorry, but your parents are shitty parents if they are treating you as a second class child to cater to your brother and his wife.

I would ask them bluntly what their plans are for Christmas. Tell them you need to be able to make plans of your own and you suspect they're leaving you to be alone to cater to your brother and his wife. Again. Then insist on an answer.

If they are ditching you again, tell them not to worry and you wont' be worry about them going forward. Then tell them since they can't be bothered to consider you family at Christmas, you'll assume the same extends to the baby you're carrying, so you won't worry about spending much time with them going foward.

I think you need to be direct - text and say you're wondering what their plans are for Christmas so you cna sort out what you're doing. I would say if they don't invite you then stay home with your bump and know that next year your partner will have seen his family so the three of you can be a blissful little unit with no faffing around.

Oh and I say that because I think they are treating you really, really poorly and you should be putting in some boundaries with them now, so that when baby arrives there isn't an expectation that suddenly you are a big merry bunch again.

I really don’t think the introduction of the OP’s pregnancy should be used to score points or punish her parents. It’s not something they’re likely to forget - and they’ll be this child’s grandparents for the rest of their lives. Hearing about it should be a joyful thing.

I'm sure the OP isn't likely to forget how they've made her feel like she doesn't count in the family.

Hahahaha brilliant!

If budget allows, book a nice hotel so you can be waited on if you want to eat, and just sleep and chill if you don't, and there'll be people around to chat to if you want that. Do that and also ask your parents about plans - they are not being kind about this.

Sorry to hear this, I think you should just ask your parents directly what their plans are for Xmas and then you can deal with facts . Good luck x

Well currently as the OP is childless then she will get treated like she isn’t a fully fledged adult on here until she gives birth. Hence the babysitting and other insults.
it’s also the case that being the childless one in the family means that you are left out, ignored and generally not treated like a member of the family once the other siblings start having babies. For some of us that will never change and so we have to develop a don’t give a fuck persona until we really do….don’t give a fuck.
however, as the OP is pregnant she will probably miraculously find that her company will be acceptable again to her brother and possibly parents too as soon as she announces her pregnancy - which should be when she wants people to know and not to some randoms timetable.

You are going to have to have the conversation OP. You need to know where you stand and asking isn’t going to change where they stand with you and socialising.

This.

and @SilverPink

OP has said she is usually with her parents at Christmas; her partner usually visits his family at Christmas and has decided to do same this year and use his AL to visit his family in NZ as he won't likely be travelling once baby comes along; OP doesn't feel comfortable to travel long-hail while pregnant; OP doesn't want to spoil partner's holiday as he'd stay home if he knew she'd be alone; OP is mystified why she's excluded from her own family and why her parents are being so weird/secretive that they've been invited to brother's.

In a nutshell. 😂

The determination on here from some posters to blame the OP and trying to uncover reasons as to why she must be at fault her is really quite unpleasant. im all for giving OPs home truths when needed, but people seem to be making up backstorys from imaginary feuds to dogs to try and find some way this must be her fault rather than offering support.

Lovely work for a parenting and mum centric site.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

It’s pointless to get yourself upset over something you don’t even know is happening. ASK your family what their plans are for Christmas and take it from there.

How premature?

I can’t believe your parents and brother will be comfortable with you being on your own Xmas day. Are you sure they know your partner will be in NZ ? also how many weeks pregnant are you op? Are you not excited to tell your parents?

But she’s getting in a tizzy over all that when she actually has no clue what her parents plans are for Christmas. She hasn’t asked. Surely that’s the first step before worrying about spoiling a partners holiday because she’ll be alone. She doesn’t know she’ll be alone!

Careful! After that long, I bet they just assume you’re hosting as usual! Nobody’s said anything? I’d need to be explicit about the expectations for this year.