Would you leave DH because of his growing feelings for OW?

[Northoftheriver1]

Title should read an other woman

Been together for a long time, have 3 dc who are in their late teens. We have been really happy for most of it. However in the past year DH has become very good friends with a woman he works with. They have lots in common and the same sense of humour. They spend their coffee breaks together, eat lunch together. I’m glad he has mates at work but it spills over into his/our time now and is starting to feel more than just a mate as they often keep in touch when they aren’t at work too.
He knows this worries and really upsets me but says it shouldn’t do and disregards my concerns.
I think for him their friendship is becoming more important and interesting than our marriage and family life and I feel so sad that I’m just disappearing into the background. Don’t know what to do.

Not enough info to say if its a EA but if you feelcofident it is and he wont "give up" the "friendship" I'd be inclined toask for matriqge counselling and / or say it needs to stop or you will be looking to separate and divorce

Is this the same poster as Worried mum?

No, assume it’s a similar issue?

You're thinking of leaving him because he has a new friend?

Unless you've got evidence that they're having an affair, I don't know what the problem is.

If she was male would you feel the same?

What's she like? Have you met her?

If they only see one another at work, how does it ‘spill over’ into your time?

They are often in touch in the evenings and weekends

No, I haven’t met her.

But is this the odd text message or meeting for sex in lay-bys?

I hope not tbh. But I was always desperately hoping in my marriage that Dh would have an affair so I could share the load with someone. That’s clearly not your situation.

I like my partner to have good friends. But I would certainly find this a bit concerning in terms of it moving into romantic territory. Could you invite her over, see her together?

Very naive.

My DH had a friend like this for a while. I had to tell him to stop texting in the evenings. It wasn't romantic on his side but it was annoying to have him regularly picking his phone up, laughing to himself etc. while we were hanging out.
I told him it's too much, and he accepted it and apologised. He's still friends with her but it's far more appropriate now. She was definitely using him to entertain her in her lonely unhappy marriage but ours was not lonely or unhappy and it was extremely irritating.

Op ignore the cool wives...id be very worried too. Sounds like he's on his way to having an emotional affair, maybe even a full blown one. I could be wrong of course...but I'd be very very unhappy with this situation

Go with your instincts on this one OP, if it's just a harmless friendship he shouldn't object to you all meeting up for a coffee and chat.Then you can draw your own conclusions.

I’m female and have a male friend at work. We eat lunch together and message outside of work a few times a week. Completely platonic. I guess for me it would depend on how often my husband was messaging a female work colleague. A few messages here and there is ok as friends but if it’s all night and weekend then he is putting his time with her above his time with you

Op your instinct is telling you it feels wrong/inappropriate how much time and effort hes putting into this friendship so dont let anyone make you feel wrong for feeling this way. Your husbands behavior sounds dismissive and disrespectful to you. Have you had a very clear conversation with him about how this is making you feel and what you need from him in order to feel valued and wanted in this relationship? He cant just keep dismissing your feelings so if he keeps doing it I would make it clear that you dont intend on continuing the relationship if this is how hes going to treat you. You and your feelings should always be his priority. End of story.

Suggest inviting her round for dinner… see what reaction you get.

In my relationship, we are allowed to be friends with colleagues and text whenever we want. We think that's normal and healthy.

I'd be nervous.
It might not be the 'done' thing, but I'd step up my quality time with DH. Date nights, a drink after work, suggesting you join him in his hobby etc (I appreciate some or all of this may not be possible with kids).
See if he's welcoming of it, or a bit frosty towards you.

But your title describes her as ‘OW’?

What strikes me most about this is do neither of them have other friends, if they’re in that much text contact out of work?

I'd be very wary about this situation. Maybe just see if you notice other little things. They shouldnt really be texting each other out of work hours. He should be focusing on you and the DC.

Have you seen any of their messages ?

Do you see/meet up with his other friends. If so, then it'd be perfectly normal to suggest all three of you doing something together, whether a drink, meal or if they've got a joint interest/hobby, suggest you all do that together. That way, you can gauge how things really are between them.

Thank you for the suggestions. I will speak to him tonight and suggest we all go for a coffee and see what he says.
Im really not against having friends of opposite sex and he has several women friends but this one is definitely different for him. She clearly likes him a LOT. I overheard a call from her at the weekend (he must have thought I was still walking the dogs) and it wasn’t exactly flirty but very complimentary/ego stroking. Not what a male friend would say perhaps? Private jokes, that sort of thing.

If someone's going to cheat, no amount of saying "please don't cheat" will stop them. So unfortunately your options are limited.

I think you've done the right thing - expressed concern without being accusatory. It's worrying that he dismissed your feelings so casually. If I were you, I'd focus on that going forward. Tell him your partnership really matters to you. Focus on the positive. But also think about how things would play out if he did get involved with this woman, so you're prepared in the worst case scenario.