Would you leave DH because of his growing feelings for OW?

[Northoftheriver1]

Title should read an other woman

Been together for a long time, have 3 dc who are in their late teens. We have been really happy for most of it. However in the past year DH has become very good friends with a woman he works with. They have lots in common and the same sense of humour. They spend their coffee breaks together, eat lunch together. I’m glad he has mates at work but it spills over into his/our time now and is starting to feel more than just a mate as they often keep in touch when they aren’t at work too.
He knows this worries and really upsets me but says it shouldn’t do and disregards my concerns.
I think for him their friendship is becoming more important and interesting than our marriage and family life and I feel so sad that I’m just disappearing into the background. Don’t know what to do.

Thanks for all the thoughts and comments. Felt better about things this week but this morning I saw him messaging her about how her weekend was going and she replied something which I didn’t see as he closed down his laptop. They see each other first thing tomorrow, no need to chat over weekend, so obviously something else going on, feel sick with worry.

I'd start making plans for your future. Don't factor him into those plans.

I'm so sorry - can't imagine how worried you must be feeling. Would he let you read the messages? Would he be prepared to have no contact apart from work?

I wish I could tell you the best course of action ... but I dont know it. Clearly you can't cope with how he's behaving ... and I don't blame you one little bit. He's out of order to be putting you through this - he's risking his marriage, which makes me think he must have a good reason 😞

When you let them know that you can see they are doing something wrong, they get better at hiding it @Northoftheriver1 . I think the best thing to do is give him an ultimatum now before it turns physical :-(

How do you know it isn't already physical? Any chance they could have been to a hotel for a few hours - during the day or evening, possibly week day. Sorry to raise this but this has happened to so many of us.

Morning OP ..
Did you call him out in it straight away when you saw him message her ? Yeah meeting her first thing this morning, not good contacting her yesterday to see how her weekend going

OP first of all I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
Your worry is not misplaced and this is going on right under your nose.
Being a work colleague gives a myriad of ‘legitimate’ excuses for contact and only being ‘just friends’. Don’t buy into it.
Does he chat secretly to male friends on speaker when you’re out walking the dogs?
Does he miss being at work with male colleagues when he’s on leave with you?
This has to stop OP, there are no compromises or halfway-houses with this. He is keen on her, she is vey keen on him and it has spilled out of the workplace and into your marriage.
There are opportunities in the working day to go to a ‘lunch’ which also involves going to a hotel for a couple of hours. Believe me, no matter how ‘not my Nigel!’ it sounds.
They are clearly spending as much time together as they can at work and messaging each other whenever they can when they’re not.
This has already crossed way too many boundaries and it’s a bit like the frog in a pot of gradually boiling water. It’s happened so slowly and incrementally from your viewpoint that it’s not until it’s screaming at you right in your face that you realise something is wrong, because you’ve got used to each boundary being crossed: going for coffee together….then lunch together…. then messaging outside work…then conversations at home when he thinks you’re out …
You’ve witnessed this growing in plain sight but he’s convinced you it’s nothing and just work, and because you’ve always trusted him, you’ve been satisfied with that. Nothing wrong with that because he shouldn’t be lying to you. But he is.
You can see it now, it’s gone beyond normal friendship, it’s at the very least an emotional affair.
You are no longer comfortable with him having anything to do with this woman outside work, end of. You’re worried sick and rightly so.
It has to stop OP or it’s obvious where this is going, if it hasn’t already.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but my husband had an affair with someone he met through work. I didn’t know this, didn’t even know he had a new ‘friend’ , but it went from coffee to lunch to dinners and hotels. Vast majority of it during the working day, he was a contractor so could take longer midday breaks unquestioned, she had wfh days. Absolutely invisible to me, sixty miles and ten hours a day away. I had no idea. You do now, you can see it.
Please, please tell him this has to stop completely. He’ll be angry, turn it on you and tell you you can’t control who he’s friends with and you’re paranoid.
They’re not friends, you’re not paranoid. Long marriage, teen kids.. textbook midlife crisis territory and he’s being an ego driven fool. I might be wrong but I’ve not been wrong yet on threads like these.
It stops now, no compromises.

I'm sorry that happened to you. May I ask how you found out?

@ThatCyanCat potted version: it had all happened in two compartments: home/ work and mentally he could cope with it as long as it stayed totally separate. He was getting really stressed, it had got way out of hand, she was pressuring him to leave and getting stroppy with it, he was terrified she’d contact me. By the time I found out he was thinking if ending it.,She wanted more time with him, only saw him a few hours a couple of times a week. She wanted a trip abroad, he bargained her down to one Saturday night in a hotel. Saturday morning came and he was in a bad way, leaving me and the kids on a weekend just to see her merged the two compartments and forced him to face what he was actually doing. I spotted the jittery weirdness that morning as he left and it bugged me all day until I started to think the unthinkable. I found a receipt in his coat pocket when he got back Sunday lunchtime and I was right.
Confronted him Monday night so that I could search for more proof whilst he was at work without him knowing I knew. Found more to back it up.
Don’t want to derail the thread so I’ll leave it there.

I am sorry your feelings are being disregarded and brushed off. It shows how much he respects you as his wife. It is not acceptable in any way. Work is work and it needs to stay professional. My husband had a woman who complimented him and stroked the ego at work, long story short - full blown emotional and sexual affair. Explain to him again how it makes you feel, that you do not feel it is proper for a married man to chat with a female coworker about personal things, and then detach.
And yes, if he wants to cheat he will. If he values you and your marriage, he will change for you. But please speak and get it out in the open before it is too late. He likes the attention now, the limerence. Until the devastating damage is done, and you are left with the fallout. But you cannot control him. That is one thing I have learnt. You can only control yourself and how you respond. Detach (Don't Even Think About Changing Him).

@BeenThereAlready is absolutely right, the only behaviour we can control is our own.
It needs exposing for what it is: an inappropriate relationship for a married man to have with a woman who is not his wife.
How far it’s gone is irrelevant really, it’s already overstepped the mark.
No arguing about whether it is or isn’t, it just is, or negotiating with him, this stops completely now.
What you tolerate will continue and what continues will escalate. Can’t remember where I read that, it’s not my wisdom, but it’s so true of any type of human behaviour.
Time to intervene.

It sounds like an emotional affair if anything, but you do t know if it’s physical when they see eachother. Have you managed to speak with him since he’s seen her today?

Sorry OP, I had a similar situation a few years ago and it did spell the end of my marriage. That is not to say it is the same. I met the woman in question and KNEW that this was going to be trouble. My ex's behaviour (going completely out of their way for this friend when they wouldn't for me or other friends, insisting that I was and always had been controlling and jealous when in fact ex had always been those things towards me) over the course of several months confirmed it. I was stupid enough to give ex the benefit of the doubt, attend the marriage counselling, invite the friend around regularly and embrace her as a friend of mine also, accept that I had deep rooted insecurities etc. Since I left I have realised that the marriage was horribly flawed and I am much happier. Things are amicable between me, ex and the "friend" who is now MrsEx