Would you leave DH because of his growing feelings for OW?

[Northoftheriver1]

Title should read an other woman

Been together for a long time, have 3 dc who are in their late teens. We have been really happy for most of it. However in the past year DH has become very good friends with a woman he works with. They have lots in common and the same sense of humour. They spend their coffee breaks together, eat lunch together. I’m glad he has mates at work but it spills over into his/our time now and is starting to feel more than just a mate as they often keep in touch when they aren’t at work too.
He knows this worries and really upsets me but says it shouldn’t do and disregards my concerns.
I think for him their friendship is becoming more important and interesting than our marriage and family life and I feel so sad that I’m just disappearing into the background. Don’t know what to do.

I am, that’s all they want and mostly all day.

He’s chatting with someone who he feels is more exciting! The mum of his three dc has faded into his background! It’s fairly usual for a man to seek a new model when the familiar one loses allure. So, I’d be sorting out a weekend away. Going out to dinner and asking him! What’s really going on?

If she was male would you feel the same?

It never is though is it? It’s never Gary from IT

I'm sorry you've been hurt badly enough in your life to hold this opinion

Everyone always thinks it is ok until they have lived it. Very few people set out to have affairs, because we all know society disapproves.

Of course it is possible for men and women to be friends and it never get to that point, and remain completely innocent. Yet, in other friendships, it creeps closer and closer without either person realizing until it is 'too late' and even if they are not having a physical relationship, they are sharing more of themselves with a friend than they are their spouse.

The spouse, male or female, because they are seeing this friendship from a step removed are more able to see when a friendship is crossing a line than the friends are.

When you are at the point of telling work colleagues how much you miss them when they are away and looking forward to seeing them, the line has been crossed. No one should be missing someone who is 'just a friend' that much when they are off work for a few days.

I don't know OP, I guess trust your instincts.

But, I'm 50's and married and I am regularly taking and sending messages to men I work/have worked with who are in the age range 21-65. Absolutely never been anything going on between any of us, In fact the 21 year old messaged me last night for a catch up! We all mostly rip the piss out of each other because we all support rival football teams & I think I'm seen as some sort of agony aunt/sounding board for ideas.

It's never really occurred to me to worry what their partners think & I'd happily show everyone my conversations.

Men & women absolutely can be friends but I guess only you can tell if they've overstepped the mark. Maybe ask to see messages if he has nothing to hide.

Are you actually saying men are never friends with male colleagues?!

Of course she wouldn't. And her feelings are entirely valid.

I think you're right to be concerned and he should be more considerate of your feelings. Just telling you not to be worried doesn't help at all. He needs to show you that you are more important than her and that your feelings matter.

Not to the same extent as the friendship in the OP.

This. Unless he's putting equal enthusiasm and emotional energy into your marriage, OP, it is still a betrayal, and you have every right to be hurt and upset.

Well that’s total ick, that very much justifies serious chat about what he’s prepared to throw away for this overly close ‘friendship’

Not helpful.

Are you from the 1800s?

If my colleague's wife asked to meet me for a coffee I'd think she was insane!

I have lots of male colleagues and work in a really difficult area emotionally and psychologically, so bonds are formed. They are strong friendships not affairs. If you don't trust your husband you need marriage counselling not coffee

Hi OP, my close friends are a combination of men and women: they’re all like family: uncles and aunties to my kids and vice versa. In some cases, our friendships have lasted decades, as various partners on both sides have come and gone.

Personally, I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who felt uncomfortable with me having friends, male or female. It’s none of their business who my friends are.

There’s a big difference between being friends and a flirtation. The key here is does your DH behave like this with his male friends, i.e. message or chat at weekends? Even if he views his colleague as a friend, she may be interested in him romantically. Most importantly, do you trust him? And is that wise?

As to what you do about it. Make it clear to him what your boundaries are, e.g. if you discover anything romantic/sexual has happened, it’ll be the end of your relationship which will impact the whole family. Stay alert to his behaviour, so you more easily spot if he’s being deceptive..

Then, get on with your life. When kids get older, couples have the chance to have more of a life of their own outside the family: both together (days/nights out and even holidays as a couple) and individually. Enjoy the chance of have a life outside your family, to pursue your own interests and make new friends.

Did you really just say spidey senses?

The thought of telling any of my colleagues that i missed them makes me cringe aa it’s so unprofessional! There are boundaries to maintain and your DH is overstepping those.

even if this is just an overstep and doesn’t go into an affair he is risking his professional reputation and potentially his career if this strays into anything dubious.

That extent being... having coffee and lunch with them, and messaging out of work? Yes, men do all of that with male colleagues, in addition to spending time out of work with them drinking, playing sports etc. Quite famously so in fact. This is how old boys' networks exist in the first place.

I think I'm what mumsnet likes to deride as a "cool wife" but even to me that sounds excessive. Are they in a particularly high stress / toxic work environment or anything? That's about the only circumstance where I could imagine that kind of call would seem reasonable (i.e. that they are genuinely leaning on each other for moral support).

Was the 'missing you'/flattery talk one-way or reciprocated by your DH?

If you feel like you can talk more to someone other than your spouse, it is because there is something missing in your marriage. You shouldn't then isolate yourself from everyone who you can actually talk to. You should probably rethink your marriage.

OP, male or female friend - if that behaviour makes you uncomfortable, he must stop it. If he doesn't - he doesn't love you enough to care about your feelings, and it's up to you yo decide if you want to stay in that marriage

You're thinking of leaving him because he has a new friend?

No, she's thinking of leaving him because he is neglecting her and because he's prioritising another woman above their marriage.

Unless you've got evidence that they're having an affair, I don't know what the problem is.

See above.

If she was male would you feel the same?

What a silly and naive thing to say.
The OP's husband is showing more than a friendly interest in a work colleague and the OP feels threatened. I would, too.

Yes I think my response to this would differ depending whether they are paramedics or filing clerks.

How did you get an internet connection from 1863?!