Would you leave DH because of his growing feelings for OW?

[Northoftheriver1]

Title should read an other woman

Been together for a long time, have 3 dc who are in their late teens. We have been really happy for most of it. However in the past year DH has become very good friends with a woman he works with. They have lots in common and the same sense of humour. They spend their coffee breaks together, eat lunch together. I’m glad he has mates at work but it spills over into his/our time now and is starting to feel more than just a mate as they often keep in touch when they aren’t at work too.
He knows this worries and really upsets me but says it shouldn’t do and disregards my concerns.
I think for him their friendship is becoming more important and interesting than our marriage and family life and I feel so sad that I’m just disappearing into the background. Don’t know what to do.

Why do some people always ALWAYS come out with this daft old chestnut?!

Of COURSE the OP (and any other woman in a relationship) wouldn't be bothered if the husband's shiny new BFF was 'male!' An extremely ludicrous thing to say!! He's not gonna fancy the MALE is he? And the MALE isn't gonna fancy him! If the MALE is gay, even if he fancies the OP's husband, the husband isn't going to fancy him back!

@Northoftheriver1 At this point I would be getting my ducks in a row. Your husband doesn't care about you or your feelings and how hurt you are. Don't be one of those married women who puts up with a philandering husband, who just 'gets on so well with women.'🙄 Your children are nearly grown, you can do better. And I don't believe ANYone who says they wouldn't care/don't care if their husband has a close relationship with a woman, that excludes them, where they have little meetings, and cosy, private little chats, and private messaging and talking on the phone.

From your most recent post @Northoftheriver1 it's clear that she is heavily into him, and he is doing NOTHING to stop it. Bastard!

Comments like the one I quoted, and 'you are mad at him for having a friend?!' can get in bin! As has been said before, it's never fat, 55 year old Nigel from Accounts is it, when a man gets a shiny new friend at work and spends lots of time talking to them, and getting emotionally involved?!

As a pp said @Comedycook ignore the 'cool wives.' As I said, no WAY would they not be bothered in your position! It's OK to have 'friends' at work, even if they're the opposite sex. It is NOT OK for that 'colleague friendship' to spill over into the home lives of the people involved, and take up valuable and precious time and energy that should be put into their fucking wife! (Or husband.) Why do these women at work (who are usually single) get deeply emotionally involved with these men who they KNOW has a wife and children?! Utterly shameless.

Honestly if I overheard a male colleague telling DH that he’s missed him and loves it when they’re on the same shift I would be thinking wtf!

it’s so unprofessional regardless of their work!

I wouldn't love DH a very intense new friendship with a man either tbh, although the discomfort might stem from a slightly different source.

I have an ex-boyfriend who had a series of platonic bromances, and I hated it. I'd be really sidelined and made to feel as far less of a priority, and far less interesting than the shiny new friend. Some of them would also be quite obsessive about him and act like bitchy teenagers towards me, almost trying to push me away. Then there's be the inevitable fallout and that would be them gone.

His genuine friends that he had normal friendships with, I got on perfectly well with.

The only way I could see this being appropriate is if it was contextualised around work.

DH has a job which often spills over into evenings and weekends and it's not uncommon for him to speak to a colleague in the evening or occasionally on the weekend - it might be a chatty, matey call but it will ultimately be related to work in some way.

So I could see him having a call to a colleague saying "I missed you last week...because you'd have backed me up in the discussion about the quarterly accounts". Not just "I missed you".

If it's just this relationship that he's investing time in, unboundaried from work, then I would be worried for sure.

So why not say ‘hey you seem to really like X so I’d love to meet her - let’s have her over for dinner next Thursday’. See how he reacted to his worlds colliding. And if she does come hopefully she will see he has a lovely family and home and will perhaps step back herself. Or you may make a new friend!

If he stayed into "anything dubious" I don't think the OP's concern will be for his reputation and career.

Strayed not "stayed".

I agree with this. There are two of us in the same role and we get on brilliantly. I've definitely said to my male counterpart things like 'Oh God, I missed you last week, the X project deadline was moved and it was a total shitshow'.

But ALWAYS work related. Telling him I just missed him would be deeply odd and inappropriate.

sure

whilst he should be taking care of his marriage he should also be aware enough to understand how this could impact his career. Which suggests he isn’t really thinking straight

I’ve rarely known a bloke make the effort outside of work unless it’s someone he’s attracted to on some level or who can further his career or it’s a very old friend from school or uni etc - I think some women confuse how they would be making friends randomly ( and I think women are far more capable of sustaining and making friendships with everyone and his mother) with how men tend to view and make female friends . This is a classic example of the book ‘just good friends’ - how do some mumsnetters think affairs start, it’s rarely the random you meet on a night out , it’s usually exactly this kind of scenario- a slow build up,

Me too. My DH knows about it and doesn't mind and there is definitely no emotions on either side.

I found out my husband had been having a full on affair for over 4.5 years.
These are identical to the many messages my DH and OW exchanged.
Always looking forward to being in the office together.
OP - I believe they are already having at least an emotional affair, if not physical.
Im guessing your husband is the least likely person ever, to have an affair?
Mine was too.

Stupid idea. Never invite the wolf into the chicken shed

He’s absolutely following the emotional affair script. He’s absolutely minimizing your feelings and gaslighting you. I’d boot him out so he understands that you value yourself more than he thinks you do and that there are consequences for behaving in a manner that betrays and disrespects his wife. (Returning would be contingent on him changing jobs, phone transparency and counselling.)

Does he call and text his other friends regularly in the evenings or only her?

Flip, yes, that is normal. 'Did you have a nice holiday? Aw we missed you, bet you're glad to be back'. 'Gosh I could have done with you in xyz meeting, gutted you were away on hols' are all normallish things to say, though as I am originally from a culture and industry that is very friendly (with rampant affairs in the latter) and now I have transferred to a more structured, sedate profession, I have reined in some of my more over the top messages, so that I DON'T ever come across the wrong way!

Also, sometimes there can be the faintest whiff of someone getting a little too attracted, in which case I really take care. It's a matter of being aware of where the lines are and how they change in different professional environments. This friend of OP's DH is definitely NOT doing that!

Just to add my experience too OP. Firstly, trust your instincts!!
On MN you will get a ton of naive people on here saying you’re crazy for worrying that DH has a friend etc.

Once you’ve been in that situation though, you kick yourself down the line that you doubted your own instincts. This situation is not acceptable, and he’s likely already straying into emotional affairs territory.

When it happened to me I tried to call it out earlier but kept believing the “just friends” line until the day he then eventually left me and the affair was discovered.

If he's going to cheat he's going to cheat. Your actions to try and stop this will have no affect, but could position you as 'the nag'.
Now is the time to pour into yourself. Spend more time with your friends, your self-care, work on making yourself the happiest and hottest version you can be. Become unbothered. Men only react when they feel they are losing the power.
Either you'll win back the position in your husbands life as 'most interesting female', or when he does cheat, you'll be primed for your new life.

Now, that’s just silly. The colleague isn’t a ‘Wolf’, she sounds mildly tragic if anything.

Neither is the marital home the lock-up of a flock of unusually dimwitted birds, there to be picked off by a passing predator unless properly locked up at night!

It’s a tricky one because they genuinely could just be friends, completely platonic friends.

The trouble is when they come to believe they get on so well as friends (shared interests and opinions on everything, can talk about anything etc) they think they’ll work well as a couple, and better than they do with their current partner.

Sometimes platonic friendships will remain so forever, and sadly, they’ll sometimes veer in to thinking they’d be good romantic partners and act on this. This can be a slow burning situation - they could be platonic for months and months, then ‘boom’, blow everyone’s life up.

You really need an honest conversation, but even then you might be none the wiser, or might get a nasty surprise further down the line.

It’s a shit situation @Northoftheriver1 and if it’s the final straw you can leave for any reason or none. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.

Indeed - I wasn’t left and didn’t find out at the time, but I did find out 11 years later quite by chance - ( he had written stuff down and I found it all) - I had gut feelings at the time but didn’t act on it or play detective and should have done so, I had a 7 year old at the time and a joint business with issues and we rented and I think in hindsight I was too frightened of where it left me and our son if I found anything out - we have stayed married but for me certainly changed how I saw him as’ not remotely the type’ to being far less naive .

I even had friends at the time reassuring me that “he wasn’t the type” to take it too far. When it all came out they were completely shocked and apologised for trying to tell me otherwise when I was talking to them about how uncomfortable the “friendship” was making me feel.
I’d definitely never be that naive again.

It does happen though...my DH has a very "female" pattern of developing friendships (extroverted, emotionally available) and as a result has loads of female friends. It's totally normal for me to hear him on the phone to a female friend listening to her off-loading about a relationship crisis or something. He's like the stereotypical "gay best friend" who happens to be straight.

Though it should be said, we met at work and were platonic friends for quite some time before we weren't, so....!

Get your ducks in a row and LTB - how dare he be friends with a colleague!

It’s either an affair (starting or already started) or it’s him loving the attention because it’s an ego boost. Either way, it needs to be sorted out.

If it turns out he’s cheating, see a solicitor with the financial information to hand, so you know your rights. Stay a step ahead of him.