Would you leave DH because of his growing feelings for OW?

[Northoftheriver1]

Title should read an other woman

Been together for a long time, have 3 dc who are in their late teens. We have been really happy for most of it. However in the past year DH has become very good friends with a woman he works with. They have lots in common and the same sense of humour. They spend their coffee breaks together, eat lunch together. I’m glad he has mates at work but it spills over into his/our time now and is starting to feel more than just a mate as they often keep in touch when they aren’t at work too.
He knows this worries and really upsets me but says it shouldn’t do and disregards my concerns.
I think for him their friendship is becoming more important and interesting than our marriage and family life and I feel so sad that I’m just disappearing into the background. Don’t know what to do.

Have you read all OPs posts? Clearly flirting going on.

I am a real believer that this is very nuanced and female intuition is key. My husband had lots of female friends before his affair, never worried about any of them, except the one I was absolutely right to be worried about, there was something about that relationship that made me feel utterly unsafe and I was spot on. The affair happened years ago now and he currently is working in an office with just one other woman, who he clearly gets on with very well, they text outside work and have a lot in common but I just don’t feel unsafe, I just kind of know that this one is a mate. And I trust my intuition.

This woman in your husbands life has you on edge. What you need to do is dig deep and work out why. I realised with my husband it was subtle changes in his behaviour. Prioritising contact with OW over me. I was devalued in small ways at first but then it became more obvious.

I would get hold of a copy of ‘not just friends’ by Shirley Glass, it’ll give you the language to talk to your husband about this and how his boundaries are breaking down. He needs a real wake up call because this ‘miss you’ stuff is certainly bordering emotional affair territory.

Please do not meet this ow. You will be giving a green light for them to continue. Having this affair in clear sight as you have met her. Go nuclear on your husband now but I fear the enotionsl affair is clearing underway: you can’t stop him from feeling how he does. The phone call he had with her made me cringe, I would never say that to a male I work with. It’s so disrespectful he did this so you heard it. But in a way it’s good you know the extent of what you are dealing with.

Hmmm…

usually the wife is right! If he knew best, he would leave this friendship…

Great idea, it would reveal a lot.

I never, ever understand this logic. But often see it suggested on here. I would rather gouge my own eyeballs out than invite a suspected OW round to my house, and have to sort of perform in front of her.

Yeah fuck that , he’s your husband not hers !
I would in my eye be asking her around for coffee or dinner ..
You’ve said there , you heard some of their conversation & it’s not appropriate for work colleagues, so time to put the foot down .
It’s ultimatum time here , he wants his wife or he wants his new deadly friend 🙄 .
I don’t care how many here will disagree with me , husbands taking the piss with their female work colleagues, it’s an absolute joke , wives supposed to pussy foot around them & be supportive of their new found friendship, when clearly OPS story is 💯 red alert from what’s she’s told us ..

Meeting for coffee smacks of territory marking and what an ego boost that is for the DH!

he’s not a prize to fight over but an adult who should recognise where he has crossed a professional boundary and is jeopardising his marriage

Hi op I would say just be very careful because if there in touch out of hours and frequently it could be more or working towards it. When there in touch see how often it is and compare it to how much you contact your female friends I bet it’s not half as much as you contact your friends.. Don’t ignore the niggles it would be interesting to see if he would like for you to meet but never underestimate how affairs go on right under peoples noses and how some people will do everything in there power to get what they want. There friendship is tight and she might see him as a wonderful man who listens to her and how he comes across as a decent man but in reality is he decent to you? Is he sharing information with her more than he is with you?

Yep me too

That’s what I’d do too

Obviously she wouldn’t feel the same if it were a male would she because a male is not a potential threat to her marriage 🙄

I think I’m probably a “cool wife.” My husband is very sociable and has lots of female friends. Some of them he’s known for 40 years and, with their husbands and kids, are family friends. He sees them alone and we see them together as couples.
Others are more recent and I don’t really know them. They might meet for the odd drink or dog walk and I don’t care about joining them.
All fine.
However, I would have a big problem in the OP’s situation. They’re very close to crossing a line; in fact, probably have crossed it already.
This happened with one work colleague of my dh’s years ago and I just didn’t like it. I chucked my toys out of the pram big-time, and got very upset with him over it and, thankfully, he ditched it saying I was his wife and ultimately more important than anyone else. Probably helped that he knew I was generally OK about such things. I 100% know it didn’t become physical.
I hope your DH has the sense to do the same for you.
Good luck.

It doesn’t matter what others think or feel to be acceptable OP because you are not OK with this and that’s all that matters. Let others have their ‘cool’ relationships if they want but this should not sway you and your marriage expectations.
Let your husband know this has gone way too far for you and it has to end right now or your relationship will be damaged. You don’t have to act like some timid, permissive little wifey, stand up for yourself and what you want and need in this relationship. Be upfront and get your ducks in a row. In the face of a costly divorce she may not seem so attractive, but then again divorce may work for you if he is demonstrating this level of disrespect to your face.

@BillyBites, you’re not a ‘cool wife’. That’s a misogynistic stereotype, involving pretending you’re fine with things you aren’t. You’re just someone who isn’t insecure about her husband’s friendships with women, but recognised things were different the one time that they were, and acted to close things down. I’d say that indicates a strong relationship, good communication, and trust in both your DH and your own judgement.

@BillyBites you aren’t a cool wife - you realised and acted when something was out the ordinary - most of the cool wives don’t seem to accept that not all friendships are simply friendship and require no intervention/comment

I work with lots of men and we do have lunch / coffee together sometimes and occasionally will message outside of work. It’s usual for us all to do this, maybe the nature of our job.

Having said that, I did also get too close to one colleague and it ended in tears. We developed feelings, we were spending more time together than I ever did with other colleagues, and we were having much deeper conversations plus just had a mutual physical attraction which never helps.

I came clean to my DH because colleague was made redundant and moved countries, and I missed him dreadfully so it was affecting my mood and DH picked up on it. DH was absolutely devastated, understandably and we had to go through counselling. It was really hard to navigate and caused way too many issues.

I’d say just be cautious. It may be nothing but it’s always a risk.

I think some of them realise it only too well and it's a self defence mechanism.

I think some think that, if they talk openly about how it's not a problem, they can rationalise to themselves that they don't need to worry about the female friends their own husband messages late into the evening etc.

Sorry but how are you not seeing this for what it is? It is an affair at worst Emotional affair at best. If you want to stay married you have to have this out with him.

I agree - thing is it’s very easy to say, ‘hey I don’t police friendships and can’t people have friends ?’ until you’ve been there and your life is about to blow up because of so called ‘friends’ I do think many women are looking at this from a woman’s mindset and I feel more woman do indeed nurture friendships platonically with all kind of people , in my learned experience though I find men tend to do it far less unless there’s an attraction, or a career reason , most CBA

Be careful with this assumption. exH invited OW around when we had people, even invited her to house sit with her BF. I think they got a thrill out of tricking everybody.

@macbethany I agree, I don't ever get it when people say meet the person, they won't do it in plain sight. Hiding in plain sight is exactly what many unfaithful people do, what better cover than to be just good friends? My relative that has cheated multiple times always hides it in plain sight as friendship, his current wife is one of his 'friends' who was being 'friends' with his family and wife, til she wasn't. Hiding in plain sight is very common as is mentionitis!

Ah op hope it all goes ok

In view of what you overheard in the 'phone conversation, I think you should be concerned ... this seems like an affair in the making - if it's not already one. I'm sorry, but I think you've got a problem. You sense it already.

Exactly!!!