Would you leave DH because of his growing feelings for OW?

[Northoftheriver1]

Title should read an other woman

Been together for a long time, have 3 dc who are in their late teens. We have been really happy for most of it. However in the past year DH has become very good friends with a woman he works with. They have lots in common and the same sense of humour. They spend their coffee breaks together, eat lunch together. I’m glad he has mates at work but it spills over into his/our time now and is starting to feel more than just a mate as they often keep in touch when they aren’t at work too.
He knows this worries and really upsets me but says it shouldn’t do and disregards my concerns.
I think for him their friendship is becoming more important and interesting than our marriage and family life and I feel so sad that I’m just disappearing into the background. Don’t know what to do.

It's difficult to say as you're the only one who can really judge the tone and impact and how he/your relationship/your family has changed. If it's starting to impact on your relationship and family then he has to take your concerns seriously. If he doesn't, that's what would make me think about kicking him out. Having friends of the opposite sex isn't or shouldn't be an issue, failing to have clear boundaries and not respecting your partner is.

Yanbu OP I'd be feeling the same way especially if this isn't the way he acts with male friends. I'd trust your instincts on this one.

I have know many now ex wives who divorced their husbands because of this type of thing

Except that this is not true and is putting the responsibility for the affair onto the betrayed spouse for not meeting his/her needs. Not all affairs happen in unhappy marriages.

I do agree that people should not isolate themselves. You will note that I said men and women can be friends. If a marriage is in trouble, of course people should look for support from friends. This does not include telling your work colleagues you miss them when they are away.

If she was male, would your husband behave like this? Does he behave this way with other male friends?

Apart from the budding emotional affair, this is very disrespectful to you.

Time to nip it in the bud. If he chooses her, then he isn't worth having.

If I'd overheard that call I'd have hit the roof. Entirely inappropriate, crosses the line completely.

They don't tend to phone each other at the weekend and say how much they miss each other.

OP I'd avoid coming at this from an affair point of view. I'd come at it from the angle that you don't feel like a priority in your own marriage and does he really think that's ok? What can you do together to improve things?

Personally I wouldn't meet this woman, if they want something to happen then it probably won't stop them anyway. But I'd be asking him to keep his friendship with her to work time and prioritise you when he's home. People don't need to be constantly checking their phones, just switch them off for the weekend and concentrate on each other.

Hi OP

Having read your update, the missing someone when they're not at work, looking forward to seeing them again etc etc is completely inappropriate, and not normal colleague (or even friend) behaviour.

You say you tell him that you're uncomfortable with this and he says you 'shouldn't' feel like that because they're just friends - the intent is irrelevant, the behaviour is not acceptable end if (unless they're both completely flamboyant over expressive people who both behave like this to absolutely everyone and his phone is full of 'I've missed you so much Dave, can't wait to see you when you're back!' type messages when other colleagues are routinely off).

He is gaslighting you by saying you shouldn't be bothered / this is normal. Absolutely no one I know, would be comfortable with their husband or wife having those type of emotionally intense conversations with a colleague (or friend) of the opposite sex. No one. And I'm in a relationship where we'd both go out for meals or drinks etc with friends of the opposite sex.

You can't carry on like this OP. I'd be sitting him down and saying it is up to him if he wants to carry on, you're not going to stop him. But no one else would stand for their spouse having phone calls with a colleague where they talk about how much they miss each other and can't wait to see each other, it's inappropriate in a marriage and whether he agrees or not, for you he has crossed a line that is not OK in a marriage and you won't put up with it. So as he has a right to carry on doing what he has doing, you have a right to consider the future of your marriage. And then I'd be seeing a solicitor and getting my ducks in a row if he doesn't change. Sorry.

No that’s not what I’m saying at all but this type of conversation that OP overheard does not happen between two male colleagues who are friends:

I heard her saying how she loves it when it’s their days to work together on shift and that she’d missed him when he’d been on leave. So glad he was back and he was saying he was really looking forward to seeing her tomorrow too.

Editing to add I have female ex and current colleagues who are good friends and we don’t speak like this either

I'd say the two of you need to sit down somewhere outside the home and talk, really talk, about where your relationship is going, how you see life now, how you are feeling and how he is feeling....

Talk about the 2 of you - don't ignore the elephant in the room - but try and work out whether it's a symptom rather than a cause...

I mean, I get on with and have always got on with the guys at work but when I think of calling one of them personally on their work phone and saying ooh I missed you so much when you were on leave, I’m so glad you’re in tomorrow I want to actually curl up and die with mortification at the thought! They’d be like ‘Janet?! Janet! I think there’s something wrong with this line. You do know it’s Nigel from accounts you’ve called, don’t you? You're just on speakerphone here with Deirdre, me and the kids.’

Oh god the horror at the thought.

Am i being unfair?

I really wanted to have another child. DH doesn't want anymore children. We have one child who is 3. DD. I have told DH that i would like to get a dog if we cannot have another child as i think its a fair compromise. I had an abortion against my wishes this year because he didnt want more. He always gets to decide what happens and i feel like it doesnt matter what i want ever. Am i being unfair and selfish?

You need to start your own thread, not randomly insert this in somebody else's.

If they see each other at work all day and at breaks then it really is overstepping if they need to message in the evening or at weekends.

Sure, but maybe the OP’s husband and his colleague are total saddos with not much else going on in their lives and no sense of social norms? It sounds at least as possible as the other possibilities.

This, 100%.

They always get defensive and act like they're not doing anything wrong if they haven't slept with or done anything physical with this other person. But generally (unless you have history of jealousy issues) if your gut is telling you something is off, it's usually right. I say this from experience. I had a very similar situation to yours and while he insisted it was 'just friends' til he was blue in the face I knew there was something I wasn't being told. Turned out he had a massive crush on her and feelings too, apparently. Apparently that was all it was and nothing ever happened but I'm pretty confident that if she had reciprocated his feelings then things absolutely would have happened.

Proximity, coffee breaks, lunches, over-frequent contact at night and weekends, in-jokes, commonalities, ego massages, buzzing about missing and seeing each other again …

@Northoftheriver1, your H is already having an emotional affair. You both need to read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She examines how primary relationships are threatened and damaged when one partner blurs lines with a third party and emotional energy, time and attention are shifted to the new person.

H has opened a window to this OW and has built inappropriate intimacy and reliance. They are sharing a mutual attraction and validation, and clearly can’t stay away from each other. He wants to keep the constant contact and to uphold his self-image as a good guy, so it’s unlikely that he’ll acknowledge this illicit relationship.

In your shoes, I would put my foot down and tell him that he has much to lose. He can continue carrying on with her, but not while he is married to you. He is crossing your boundaries and you won’t stay in a 3-pronged marriage. He needs to cut off OW and that may well mean a job change. I wouldn’t accept anything less.

Mine had all the freedom. I was such a cool wife.

Still, I made a cool single mum.

I was just thinking this. I love the women I work with, some of us have worked together for decades, and some of us are more friendly with each other than others, but we have never spoken to each other in those terms.

I'd be telling her to fuck right off.

Dh and I both have close opposite sex friends. Never an issue until it was.
A friend was slowly becoming a bit much and it was verging imo on being inappropriate.

My issue was that he couldn’t initially see that it was too much.

We spoke a lot about how it made me feel, what we both felt was acceptable and unacceptable, boundaries and respect.

We both still have close friends of the opposite sex but we are respectful. We communicate well.

Hmm, I’d be wary too tbh. Does he know you overheard their conversation @Northoftheriver1? Does he usually have speakerphone on when he knows you’re pottering about at home?
The fact is, you feel he’s prioritising this friendship over you and family life, so irrespective of something potentially going on between them, this is an issue for you and he shouldn’t just brush your feelings aside.

He thought OP was out walking the dog.

If my partner was doing something with a woman friend that made me feel miserable and sidelined and refused to stop, then yes, I'd leave him. Because either I'd be right and being made a fool of, which would be bad for me, or else I was wrong and overlly insecure and possessive, which would be bad for him.
My personal view is that no friendship of this nature that comes along after the marriage should ever be prioritised over the feelings of the spouse. Because frankly, there isn't any need to get extremely close to a person who in other circumstances could be a romantic partner in the first place. It's asking for trouble.
If the friendship is older than the marriage its different, but still needs to be conducted in a way that respects the spouse.