Would you leave DH because of his growing feelings for OW?

[Northoftheriver1]

Title should read an other woman

Been together for a long time, have 3 dc who are in their late teens. We have been really happy for most of it. However in the past year DH has become very good friends with a woman he works with. They have lots in common and the same sense of humour. They spend their coffee breaks together, eat lunch together. I’m glad he has mates at work but it spills over into his/our time now and is starting to feel more than just a mate as they often keep in touch when they aren’t at work too.
He knows this worries and really upsets me but says it shouldn’t do and disregards my concerns.
I think for him their friendship is becoming more important and interesting than our marriage and family life and I feel so sad that I’m just disappearing into the background. Don’t know what to do.

I think back to a colleague I was really close to - we liked the same things and had a similar sense of humour, values etc. We'd sometimes go for lunch together, and drinks after work with other colleagues.

But we were never in touch outside of work unless in an emergency. And my husband got to know him early on - he'd come along to the drinks when he finished work, and they met at parties and nights out. It happened naturally - why would I keep my friends and my husband apart?

So that's what's suspicious here - the separation of the two.

Suggesting meeting is a good idea OP. His response will tell you a lot.

Well it sounds an emotional affair if nothing else .

You probably hadn't read the OPs latest update when you wrote this. This isn't the odd text conversation.

I'd be telling my husband how inappropriate this has got OP. That level of intimacy isn't on at all.

Snort. Tell me you’ve got a one-track mind without telling me you have a one-track mind.

You were born yesterday, it would be different because he's unlikely to fancy/ want to shag another man if he's straight.

Dear OP, I'm so sorry this is causing you so much upset. I think you have every right to feel as you do, and to question why this is so important to your DH.
It sounds like they are having a bit of an emotional affair - perhaps something of a whirlwind crush that your DH can tell himself is harmless, but clearly isn't as it is causing you harm!
Do you and your DH have hobbies or activities that enrich your marriage and friendship outside of the home i.e. without the kids and not just TV? I ask because sometimes we all crave excitement and question "Is this all there is?" and sometimes a new hobby or adventure can be what we need to centre us.
If you still love him and believe he still loves you, could you try planning a trip or something together and pull his focus away from his new friend a bit? Remind him of where his home and heart lie.
Wishing you luck, OP xx

Trust your instincts- you know if this is a friend or someone he thinks of as more than a friend.
You shouldn’t be overlooked.

Thats disrespectful of family time. Something is simmering and you are right to be concerned.

I was like this once. Until he got her pregnant.

Doesn’t matter if this person is male or female if the friendship is becoming the dh’s main focus and not his wife and family and that time away from the family or time spent chatting with friend over text etc is eating into family time and making her feel invisible

Ex started his affair with a younger woman at work. His colleagues knew and he enjoyed thinking he looked like a stud in their eyes. What a colossal twat!

I didn’t heed the warning signs at all as I’d met her and her partner for dinner etc. so assumed she was happily coupled up too.

Sadly, I was too wrapped up with visiting my mum dying in hospital.

After we split up, it petered out but the damage was done. Thankfully, my life improved immeasurably within a couple of years or so, but they were the shittiest 2 years of my life!

I message my friends when it's convenient for me, whether that's the evening or morning or the middle of the day. It's never once occurred to me (or anyone sane) that this is "disrespectful of family time"

I would be quietly getting things organised in the back ground and then pulling the rug because he's disrespecting me and our family.
I don't have anytime for men sniffing around other women. Shut the door behind you Joe.
Might have a crush on her ? Oh ffs🙄

She was out walking the dogs he didn’t know she could hear.
OP would he normally speak with her on the phone like this with you around? Does he know you heard him?

I tend to be friends more with men than women, just something about the way my ND brain works possibly. My 2 closest friends outside family are both male - one is an ex from many years ago (literally decades ago) and the other there's just not been any spark or desire at any stage for either of us. In both cases we've just got on, had similar pastimes, similar sense of humour. I call them things like darling, dearest & light of my life, but I tend to be flamboyant anyway when I address people who I'm close to and I love them both dearly in a purely fraternal way.

Women and men CAN be very close in a platonic manner, especially if you "click" on a mental level. I would be more concerned if a partner was very secretive about a friendship.

No I wouldn’t be happy, there’s a fine line and sounds like it’s spilling over, have the conversation with him and tell him what and how you feel, see how he reacts , ask him if the boot was in the other foot would he find it acceptable ?

Following your latest update about what you overheard her saying and assuming that he still loves you and wants to be with you, he should be shutting that kind of talk down immediately. It's all very well her 'missing' him blah blah but what's his reaction to that? Is he saying similar or trying to move the conversation along without acknowledging her comments?

If you can sense it, your gut feel is nudging you then something is likely amiss. He'll probably argue that 'its nothing' because he's enjoying the attention of someone else and doesn't want it to stop...

It does sound like an infatuation, whereby he sees all the things they have in common and none of the differences, while taking you for granted. He needs to be willing to prioritise his wife. No idea what sort of wedding you had, but if it was a traditional Anglican one, he bowed to honour and worship you. He needs to check him self and point his adoration in your direction.

If I locked my husband in the basement, I could be really sure he won't cheat on me.

I get where you are coming from & wonder if this makes up part of a bigger picture with his behaviour? Could be just friendship but gut instinct is often right.
My ex developed a very close friendship with a colleague, like this. I never found out if anything physical happened but he did admit to wanting it to. He cheated physically also with others.

By definition it is not harmless as it is causing OP harm.

Obviously it would be outrageous if OP were a violent bully telling her husband who he could and could not have friendships with... but on the other hand if her husband loves her like he should if he's a good husband worth keeping then maybe he should prioritise the marriage not a friendship (however innocent)?

Yes, I definitely would.
But, different situation here, no kids, separate (secret) finances, middle aged.
If you practically can, leave.

But this isn’t your relationship and, fortunately, your spidey senses haven’t picked up on a developing work friendship that’s any threat to you.

Affairs often start at work and novelty value can win out over a long term partner.

As others have said, lots of conversations needed so he’s clear on how this destabilises you and his reaction will tell you all you need to know about his priorities.

What? Yes they do 😂 Are you really making a blanket statement that men don't have friends at work unless they're trying to have sex with them?

I don’t know if I understand this correctly, what ‘load’ are you talking about?