Would you leave DH because of his growing feelings for OW?

[Northoftheriver1]

Title should read an other woman

Been together for a long time, have 3 dc who are in their late teens. We have been really happy for most of it. However in the past year DH has become very good friends with a woman he works with. They have lots in common and the same sense of humour. They spend their coffee breaks together, eat lunch together. I’m glad he has mates at work but it spills over into his/our time now and is starting to feel more than just a mate as they often keep in touch when they aren’t at work too.
He knows this worries and really upsets me but says it shouldn’t do and disregards my concerns.
I think for him their friendship is becoming more important and interesting than our marriage and family life and I feel so sad that I’m just disappearing into the background. Don’t know what to do.

I think it’s very hard to say from your post what this relationship is.

There just isn’t enough information.

my ex had an emotional affair which would have completely changed into a real one, until I put an end to it by unexpectedly turning up to an event they were both at. Her face literally fell when I arrived. I was super nice to her and made a big point of ensuring she saw we were very definitely a couple. ( we ended up splitting up anyway, as it made it clear he’d checked out of the marriage )

but I’m not sure this is your situation. This could be innocent, but equally could not.

does he keep dropping her name into conversation? Has he suddenly developed a new interest?

I wouldn't like this either, OP, and I do think it crosses a line.

I'm very close with a male work colleague and do similar with him but only at work. We are very rarely in contact outside of work. He has been to the house for social things a couple of times and we go to the pub once a week but my partner will often join us and is obviously at the house when he's been here.

In fact, I don't particularly like it when he contacts me at home. We spend a lot of time together at work and home is for my partner and me. He only does it with a genuine query though. Never just for chit chat.

If he dosnt care that its upsetting you then Im afraid there is nothing you can do. If you say stop being her friend he will say OK but carry on . You either ride it out or Tell him to leave. You can put the fear of god up him by saying her or me and tell him you have spoken to a solicitor.
The trouble is if he dosnt want to give her up there is nothing you can do, which is the worse feeling in the world. Sending you a big virtual hug.

Nope. Not acceptable.

A phone call - these days- is more intimate than messaging. I think that's demonstrated a level of closeness I would be deeply uncomfortable with.

I have had a male friend at work that was very close and supportive during a stressful time. Both of us married with children. At one point it strayed into out-of-work messages (checking work things mostly) but i put a stop to it as I could feel myself drifting in to a closeness that didn't feel right. Does he know you heard the call? And you were unhappy about it?

If this was a year ago, I would have advised this sounds innocent, try not to stress.
Now, reading all these posts about EAs, I would be very worried about your marriage. There is no need for messaging at weekends. If he doesn't put a stop to that and respect your wishes, I would be taking further action.

Good luck OP, this is shit xx

Did you not see the first line of the OPs first post?

But she isn't male.

Funny how men so rarely have work friends who are older and less attractive.

If she was male, would they be spending all this time together and having so much contact?

If you have heard them on the phone and it made you uncomfortable, then it is something to worry about. I would try and arrange date nights between you if you can to remind him what he has to lose, keep an eye on the friendship.
if it keeps going in the wrong direction I would very clearly express to him it’s unacceptable and remind him what he has to lose.

Oh, stop with the ‘cool wife’ bullshit. It’s misogynist claptrap.

We’re not ‘cool wives’ ffs. We’re just people who consider ourselves capable of being friends with members of the opposite sex without having an affair - emotional or otherwise. I have male friends, particularly at work. I always have.

I’ve got no fucking clue whether the OP’s husband is having an affair with his colleague or not. Nobody here does. But it is certainly not possible to say whether she’s right to be suspicious based on her opening post, in which there is zero evidence of anything wrong.

Probably not
If the female ‘best friend’ who destroyed my last relationship had been a man I’d have felt even more creeped out over their weird over involved ‘friendship’

What was he saying on the phone OP? I have some male work friends I message fairly frequently out of work, but it's definitely never crossed a line- no compliments etc and we can sometimes go weeks without any message. It's also always built up gradually after working in the same team a number of years. There is no ego stroking etc and no spending loads of time together in the office just 2 of us either although we do sometimes grab lunch etc. I'd be completely comfortable if my husband wanted to read through messages etc as there is nothing on there that's dodgy.

Have you seen his phone? It's very worrying that he doesn't seem to care this is upsetting you

Like clockwork someone always comes out with this nonsense on these threads. Men have work buddies who are older and "less attractive" all the time. We don't see threads about them because the territorial hackles only get raised if a woman has the temerity to be young and conventionally attractive, and should therefore shut herself away and never communicate with her colleagues.

Nothing in the OP is suspicious to me. The idea of a relationship where DP and I couldn't message any of our friends, male or female, when we felt like it is so weird to me.

No, I wouldn’t accept this. It sounds like an emotional affair.

Invite her over for a meal. Being in their company will likely tell you all you need to know.

I have quite a few male friends in work because there are more men in my line of work than women. I also message several of them outside of work on a fairly regular basis because they are friends. If my DH told me I couldn’t do this I’d be furious. I’ve been with him 30 years and never cheated on him. Not one of my male friends has ever tried it on with me. The OP knows her DH but it is perfectly possible to have friends of the opposite sex and not want to have sex with them. I’m sure someone will come on and tell me all my male friends do want to have sex with me as that’s what men do - if they do they’ve managed to keep it very well hidden for decades in some cases.

Yes, I’m one of them! 53 and with a face like a bag of spanners!

I wouldn't be leaving him over what you've posted anyway, unless there is a lot more to it? You say they often keep in touch when not at work, but dont really expand on this so to me it sounds normal, work friends would often send memes or update on something funny in the office when not in work. Going for lunch/chatting outside of work can just be normal colleague friendships.
Is he ignoring you/cancelling plans with you to talk to this woman? Is he leaving the room to answer her calls privately or is he just openly dropping her the odd text back when he can? Is he secretive about their conversations or does he chat about it/include you? Do they text at night full blown deep conversations or is it more of a send a meme or funny video when they see one but leave eachother to their respective family time at night?
I don't think Id be concerned at all going by your original post, but maybe speak to him again in regard to feeling a bit left behind and say you feel it's affecting your marriage. You could organise a date night once a week and go no phones, no talk of work just time for you to enjoy one another, that would help build your connection again and make you feel like you have that quality time together xx I hope it doesnt turn in to anything more, but for now going just by the information in your original post it does seem like just a genuine colleague & friendship relationship

I agree with pp that suggesting you all meet up for a coffee will be illuminating.

His reaction to that would be what I would base my next move on.

It was on speaker phone as he was making a coffee so I heard her saying how she loves it when it’s their days to work together on shift and that she’d missed him when he’d been on leave. So glad he was back and he was saying he was really looking forward to seeing her tomorrow too.
Can’t imagine his male friends saying that somehow
Then some stuff that was obviously a private joke between them.

There should not be friendship between married people and the opposite sex. None. It is not appropriate. I can't believe people do not see it is not appropriate. It is not that it should be prohibited by one spouse, more like a spouse should have enough brains and decency not to venture there - how can it not be clear to all? This does not apply, obviously, if said friends are homosexual or lesbian, in that case there should not be a problem with consorting with the members of the opposite gender.

Idk op. I have a male friend at work who I will have the odd text conversations with on an evening/ weekends in the same way I sometimes do with female colleagues. I’m definitely not shagging him. Does he do the same with male colleagues ?

is this real or a joke?

Isn't "ego stroking" just paying someone a compliment?

It depends what it's about. If she's telling him his chest looks good in that short, has he been working out - obviously that's an inappropriate compliment. If she's saying he handled a professional situation well or did a top-notch piece of work or has had a good idea - that's all routine stuff you say to your colleagues to create a harmonious team environment.

I doubt he would talk to his mistress on speaker.