Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

He’s quite old to be only just joining the military - especially in an active combat role. I thought the cut off was 35.
It’s a hard life. I met XH at 30 (he had been in 12 years by then). If any of my friends were considering it, I would tell them not to. Especially in your situation with a child already.

Yes he's at the cut off point but he said it's something he always wanted to do for a while. He lived abroad until recently though.

Why would you tell them not to specifically? I don't know everything about the military life.

I'm worried that the army expects military wives to sacrifice their careers to support their partners. I have a 15 year career and I'm well paid so I'm not really willing to give that up to follow a partner around. Would that be expected or am I incorrect?

Not being funny but you've only been seeing him for a few weeks, he says he lived abroad until recently and he says he's going to be heading off into the military soon - are you sure he's actually being honest with you?

Now that you have the responsibility of a child, I don't think you should be making such rash moves for someone you barely know.

I think you're pinning quite a lot on someone you barely know. There's likely a reason why you're doing this. I'd focus on exploring that, rather than some military wives fantasy. He might not even be telling the truth, as a pp said. Who the fuck joins the army at the age most are leaving? Sounds suss af.

It’s a fling, it won’t last after he’s left for army. If by any chance this lingers on, it will be very lonely for you.

Slow your roll. You're a single mom who's been dating a guy with an sketchy AF story for a few weeks and seeing him as a partner and having more kids. Your kid should not meet him until you've been dating for a much longer period of time.

What was his career pre enlistment?

I can tell you if you want your spouse around all the time, do not marry a soldier. The military owns their ass and military life is tough. You have to be able to function as if you're single for months at a time.

But this guy's story sounds like bullshit. Preenlistment is a busy time getting a lot of paperwork in order, going here for physical and there for other stuff and wrapping up civilian life.

Very early days, but for your ending question on expectations for wives to be camp followers, with each posting moving from house to house. This is the ‘traditional role’ of wives, and continues to this day, (in theory this is also true of female
soldiers husbands and single sex partnerships - but with varying expectations)

This is not essential - a family can live where they choose with the soldier commuting on a week/weekend basis living in barracks during the week and heading home for the weekend
That needs a rock solid marriage to last

Hm, mystery lived abroad, only known his a short time, not he is coming up with a reason he won’t be around much. Dodgy AF. Under safer recruitment we have to investigate gaps in CVs and peopel
working abroad. It might be true. But sounds like bollocks.
Do a Clare’s law on him if you’re even remotely serious.

You've been dating him for a few weeks. Why are you doing all of this future projection? In a month he'll be working far away and he's been honest about that (although not sure why he's looking to date anyone when he's about to make such a massive change in his life). His career goals do not align with your life goals - trust me, I was in a relationship with a military police officer - I think you are on a hiding to nothing. And also, don't confuse the first flush of love for something more substantial - I wouldn't even be thinking about what the future looked like with another person until I have known them for several months.

This after a few weeks! You barely know him. Slow down

Like fuck is he joining the military in a months time in a “risky combat role” where he can be posted to remote places after working overseas until recently, all at his age.

Come on, wise up.

You're projecting @Bunny44 .
I don't know why as you've only known him 5 minutes.
Be realistic. It's a disaster waiting to happen IMHO.

This does sound very fishy. Have you googled him? Does he have an internet/social media footprint? Have you met his friends/family? It just seems awfully convenient- he appears from nowhere, you have a holiday romance where after only a few weeks you’re discussing children, and then he’s off to the military in a combat role far, far away at the age of 35? I’d do a Clare’s Law too - something about this doesn’t add up.

Ok those saying sketchy story etc. That part I have no doubt. I don't want to go into detail, as it's outing but we met in a situation where it was a chance encounter through mutual contacts so he's not a stranger if that makes sense. I never doubted him, but those contacts have already confirmed it's true at this point.

We added each other on social media so I've seen pictures of the things he's told me about from living abroad. Everything has matched up. We bonded over the fact we've both lived abroad.

We actually met a few times before this year but he assumed I had a partner as he knew I had a young child. So I've not just met him either, but it only turned out we liked each other recently.

In his circumstances, of course he's going to say he wants to date but he really means he just wants someone to shag. Sorry OP.
Avoid at all cost. Consider yourself a winner if you swerve him.

You have a child, you’ve known this stranger for a few weeks and you are thinking about planning your life around him even though he’s joining the military?? Please give your head a wobble.

I'm not planning my life around him. He's asked me if I want a long distance relationship while he's training, but has said he understands it's not a small thing but he really likes me.

So I'm trying to decide whether to give it a chance seeing how well we're getting on and how nice he seems compared to everyone else I've dated in the last decade.

My question is more to those who have already dated people in the military who know the lifestyle to be honest.

It's him who's asking if I want to take it further and talking about the future.

But this guy's story sounds like bullshit. Preenlistment is a busy time getting a lot of paperwork in order, going here for physical and there for other stuff and wrapping up civilian life.

It's definitely not made up and yes he is busy with a lot of the paperwork at the moment which he's been telling me about. There is a chance even at this stage something might come up and he can't join after all, especially as he has to provide a lot of proof/checks of his time abroad, but he is due to start in a few weeks.

No he's not met my child. I wouldn't introduce anyone for a long time.

Focus on your kid, for god’s sake. Why do you need a man at this point?

We've known each other about a year through mutual contacts and each time we met we really liked each other, but he only realised I was single recently so then asked me out. He'd assumed I had a partner as he knew I had a young child. There was always a strong attraction between us and a lot in common. He wasn't looking actively to date and applied as a single person so in some ways unfortunate timing. If we'd started dating a year ago, maybe be wouldn't have applied or at least we would have discussed it together...

Being a military wife can be incredibly lonely and very hard at times. Things can and often change at the drop of a hat and you’re expected to just go along with that. Sometimes when they’re away there can be no contact for long periods of time, which I personally find really hard.

it’s also incredibly hard for the children of a military family. It’s hard having one parent always disappearing. It’s hard moving around all the time and having to start all over again with making friends and fitting in at a new school etc.

You’ll always come second to the job. it’s not for the faint hearted.

So it’s on you to be the grown up as you have a DC and have only just started dating, so it’s a clear sign this isn’t going to work and let him go do this thing he’s waited all his life to do. Not rush you into decisions about a long distance relationship and fantasies about being a trailing spouse just because you’re wanting a feeling from your 20s. Keep your head screwed on and don’t get swept up in this. Nice as he may (or may not) be, he’s a total non-starter.