Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

He sounds quite old to be joining the army. Anyone who talks about being in a combat role sounds a bit of a gung ho drama queen and frankly not very bright.

You've only been seeing each other for a few weeks. Wait til he finishes basic training and then see where he gets posted.

Definitely report back after your visit !!
I’ll bet a coffee when it comes to it, the visits aren’t going to happen !! Some excuse will emerge …

I cannot for the life in me, imagine joining the army at 35 and sharing a room with a dozen mainly 18-21 year olds for a least basic training, possibly longer unless Officer entry, but then an Officer rank wasn’t mentioned.

Lots of red flags, if he had the urge for a military career why didn’t he do this at 18, who waits until they’re in their 30s and past their prime to start at the bottom of the career ladder on not very good pay?

This was my first thought too.

I’m guessing when the time comes to visit that it will be cancelled as he’s being rushed away on a top secret mission.

Haven't got time to reply to everyone right now but wanted to in particular thank all the military partners who've given very useful insights. I'll read them all in detail this evening.

Please can everyone else stop accusing him of lying as it's not helpful. I will double check best I can everything but it'd have to be a huge and pointless (because I would have slept with him anyway to be totally frank) and complex hoax involving many people if he was lying.

Helpful answers to my question are much appreciated even if it's confirming what I suspected - that it would be very difficult so I need to think about letting myself getting more attached.

If it’s the army basic training he’s doing you won’t see for 4 or 5 weeks. Then in the next 6 or 7 weeks they’ll be a family day you can visit, 2 long weekends at home and some weekends he’ll have some of the weekend off but has to be back by about 9pm each evening. The first 5 weeks they don’t get a minute off.

Good Lord you're getting a hard time - that'll teach you for not writing out an exhaustively long list of everything he has done, is currently doing and will do on a week-by-week basis over the course of the coming 18 months, in order to serve in active combat.

That's the most important part of the story.

Not whether you should throw yourself into a long distance relationship with a military man. WHAT IS HE DOING ON JUNE 14TH 2026 OP? Oh you don't know? That's because he's lying... ;-)

Anyway. It will either work or it won't. You'll get through training long distance or you won't. You'll WANT to give up your career and follow him around, or you won't. You'll sit with the worry, or you won't. He'll turn into a military dick, or he won't.

I'd just go with the flow.

Because you could have met a man that's about to start a new office job in your home town, and it would either work or it wouldn't. He'd become a workaholic or he wouldn't. He'd have an affair with Jess in Accounts, or he wouldn't.

I accept that it's a different set of stakes, but who you are now, and where your relationship is now, isn't reflective of where you'll be always. I'm not sure you have to decide now.

DH and I are ex military, 40 years between us (makes me feel very old typing that 😅).

If you were to post the trade he's joining then edit that post to delete it soon afterwards then you would get much more focused advice.

Generally though I would advise against pursuing this relationship because you have a child.

You are very caught up in the rush of romantic endorphins at the moment and a long distance relationship can be very intoxicating. It is the good bits and puppy dog longing without the daily grind. But it's not real and not based on reality. It's based on a promise of a potential future.

With a small child and as a mum you can't do that because you would be creating an environment which isn't stable for your child. You can't be spending your time wondering what he's doing and who he's doing it with.

There is a reality here with forces personnel that may be unpalatable but true. Cheating is rife and having multiple options on the go is also very common because people can compartmentalise their life very easily. If it goes belly up they can just go back to their accommodation and start from scratch.

I would strongly recommend against this relationship as it won't do you or your child good in the long run. He's not at the right point in life to be embarking on a relationship and its unfair to you.

Good luck with whatever you decide

He's very intelligent. He didn't call it a combat role. It was my clumsy way apparently of describing it without being outing.

He's extremely fit. Does a lot of training in various sports. Doesn't smoke or drink etc.

I see, so he’s likely to be the only one his age in a group of much younger people? I’ve known a couple to join late twenties/ early thirties (although officers) and it’s been really difficult to find their place. Especially if he doesn’t drink, etc.

No you don’t have to move around with your military husband. My friend spent several years moving around with her army husband but when they had DC they got a mortgage, bought a house near her parents and she stayed put. My friend had had enough of army life at this point and was happy for him to commute/live on base by himself. It’s a hard life being without your husband for long periods of time so best to stay near your family where they can support you.

A lot of wishful thinking going on, based on not very much. Seriously how many almost 35 year old men suddenly decided to join the military heading for combat zones? Personally I would be very dubious about his story and if true would think him immature and foolish.
The advice is end it and look elsewhere, especially as you have already made one significant mistake and find yourself a single parent.

Most, if not all of his cohort joining at the same time will likely be in the age range 18 - 20. He will likely find joining in his 30’s and fitting in very difficult.

I would wait and see what happens, no need to make a decision now.

Firstly he will need to complete the weeks of basic training with an emphasis in physical fitness, among other challenging things.

Following that he will need to successfully complete weeks of the specific Trade Training presumably. A good percentage drop out at every stage and before completion.

Wait and see what develops would be my own suggestion.
(ex-military)

I wouldn’t lose sleep over it. See how basic training goes. Your child and support system (parents) are your priority. Seems a crazy move to join the army at 35.

Enjoy it while it last.

As a military wife, I wouldn’t recommend it. You’re just wrapped up in the romance of it all.

We’ve been very lucky that we’re based in Lincolnshire so have been in the same house for 10 years and enabled me to have a career. But working full time when taking care of two small kids whilst he’s deployed for 4 months with no family around? Fucking brutal. It’s not only the big deployments, it’s the frequent exercises, training courses and crazy shift patterns…

Is he medical? Nurse, doctor, psychologist?

If he's 35 now, how many years of 'active service' would he have?
A lot of people in the Forces retire early in their 50s.

I think he's unfair to date anyone when he's going to be away training and then relocated perhaps anywhere in the world.

I'd keep him as a special friend, live your own life as you were and see where it all goes.

It's far too soon to be thinking this is a life-long relationship.

You need to explore the reason you didn’t think, ‘ah, bit of a non starter, shame, onwards and upwards’ rather than twist yourself up in knots to even consider this stranger’s assertions he wants you in his life long term even though 1) he sounds like he’s telling some tall tales 2) if true, his lifestyle isn’t compatible with yours unless you make massive sacrifices and accommodations! You don’t even know him.

I think the obvious point that hasn't been made because MN loves batshittery around hoaxes too much is that giving this a chance isn't exactly a marriage vow. You can try out a long-distance relationship and then if at any point you feel it's not working out for you, you can end it then. You don't need to foresee problems before they arise. If it's good now, carry on with it. If it stops being good, that's when you decide about ending it.

I worry about the influence of the military on behaviour, especially with racism, homophobia and misogyny as those would be a massive problem for me.

I assumed this is what the thread would be about before I clicked on it. I'd add that people who aspire to working for the military and police usually have quite authoritarian personalities - traditional and hirerachical - and enjoy a sense of control over others. Very in favour of the social status quo too. It's kind of conceptually inherent in the job. It's a hard pass from me to anyone in those occupations.

Why it is a non starter? Because it will be long distance? Why can't people have LD relationships if they're okay with them? Personally, I think early in the relationship is the best time to be LD. It helps with impulsive behaviours and spending too much time together.

Exactly. Why does it have to be either sign on for life or walk away now?

When I was in science and sent to certain places for research, we stayed on military bases. I’ve stayed on lots.

Every one of them cheats. The culture is “wife at home, girlfriend on base.” It’s not just locals, bases have non military personnel staying there (like us) so there are plenty of women around who are outside of the military. Now, I’m sure there were a few who weren’t cheating but I’ve been around a lot on base, several times, and I was shocked whenever I met someone who wasn’t cheating. They ALL have wives at home and girlfriends on base, or one night stands, or regular hook ups. It’s the culture.

Every military wife I met would say “not my Nigel, he doesn’t cheat.” They do. Every mumsnetter with a husband in the military will pile on my post and say that their partner doesn’t cheat. They do. It’s the culture.

So, never date a militate man @Bunny44. He probably isn’t a cheater now, but once he gets on base and they’re all going out and all seeing their hooks up and girlfriends, it’s very hard for the new guys not to join in. The misogyny is rife, the cheating is everywhere.

He's very intelligent. He didn't call it a combat role. It was my clumsy way apparently of describing it without being outing.

There is no way he would be outed by simply saying which part of the Army he's joining. (Assume it is the Army and not Navy or Air Force.)

@Bobiverse Those men were presumably young lads of 18 not more mature men in their 30s?

You can't tar them all with the same brush.

No, because she doesn't want to make any sacrifices for his career (quite rightly) and, in my experience, that doesn't work in the military. She also has a child to think about.

I have nothing against long distance relationships. My relationship with my dh was long distance, until we got married.

Military partners do not travel as much, many if not most live in their home towns and military bases empty out at weekends unless their are actually on shift (eg security personnel or training exercises) gone are the days of overseas posting families with you apart from a few specific circumstances. You also get additional money to cover travel home