Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

and I don't think this situation is the same right now. It has the potential to be but I don't think that's where it is right now and I don't have the intention to let it get there.

It's exactly the same kind of situation and you're completely there!

I imagine you didn't think you were in that situation with the guy who strung you along for years, either.

None of these situations is exactly the same so you just keep ending up with the same sorts of relationships because every single time you believe "this is different".

OP, I think your read on the situation is really solid. Maybe something will develop further with this, maybe not, but I don't think he's messing you around at all. To me he sounds sincere and like a thoroughly decent bloke, though going through a rough time, as you say.

Tbh the only thing I'm wondering is why you'd return to the thread for advice, given that MN decided on about page 2 that he's a lying flake! 🤣 Some posters seem personally invested in viewing him in the worst way possible. You'd probably be better off discussing the situation with friends who actually know him.

Wishing you all the best.

I have no intention of letting this current situation last years, even anywhere near that.

The example I gave was from 10 years ago, I had just come out of a long-term relatioship and got attached to a guy as a sort of rebound. I was probably quite depressed and also inexperienced in dating. It was different in how he was with me, how it felt and also his intentions. It went on for so long as I moved abroad and we did long-distance and so there was this sort of promise that if I moved back we'd have an actual relationship, but actually he was keeping his options open with other women. When I moved back he still didn't commit and it was at that point I ended it but I felt I wasted a lot of time when I should have been concentrating on my life abroad, so I regret that a lot.

The guy I'm seeing at the moment, he's not trying to keep his options open for other women. He just isn't in the headspace right this very moment to have a relationship, having gone through this upheavel in the last month. Neither of us know how it'll be when he comes back, but I do know what I will and won't tolerate. I'm quite prepared that it might not work out.

Yes, I feel like I'm wasting as much time on this thread as with that guy from 10 years ago now 😂. Ok I really do need to get on with a lot of stuff so I'll bow out for now and stop feeling the need to explain myself.

After you update, what I find concerning is that you are late 30s and asking here what to do and asking your Mum.

Your plan sounds 'sensible' on the surface . But the emotions underpinning that is that you hope he will change.

It's not accepting that this is how he IS.
At 35 he has not settled to much and presumably hasn't savings or income to buy a home yet. He's at the point that many new grads are in their early 20s.

If he's so depressed about his army dream failing, how would he cope with life's other hard knocks? Basically he's retreated into a shell because he's disappointed in himself.

But it does question his strength of character and emotional resilience if he's left the army after 2 weeks of training because of macho banter ( presumably from much younger lads.) He could have stuck that out because those cohorts were not 'The Army' as such.

My daughter is your age.
If you were my daughter, I'd say back off. Right off.
Do not always reply to his texts on the same day.
Do not become an emotional prop (which is your modus operandi.)
Let him come to you. Cut contact.

To outsiders, it looks as if you are not on the same page of what you want out of life just now. You don't want a man who has yet to mature, you need a man who wants you 100% and will do anything to keep you.

I won't post any more as I've hogged your thread, but wish you all the best.

Hello, just to update again in case anyone is interested! So we're now in a relationship.

He came back from military training around 2 weeks ago. I met him at the station in London from Catterick and we had a a few days just the 2 of us, which was really nice. He applied for jobs while waiting to discharge and had a week of interviews as soon as he arrived back in my town and has had several offers now so just deciding which one to take. He seems much happier already.

After a week he told me, if I was still open to it, he would like to be in a relationship with me. It kind of felt like we already were to be honest, but I was feeling anxious about the ambiguity so I'm glad that's been cleared up! We've been having a lovely time together and he seems to be throwing himself into everything with me. He's even coming for a weekend away with my family soon. I kind of feel very at home with him, and it's a long time since I've felt that way.

Anyway I guess that's the last update in this will it won't it saga. Hopefully it will last!

@ITIgnoramus

Just to clear up a few things:
He liked the other recruits from his platoon a lot and got on with them - he said that was one of the few positives. He left because he didn't like the hostile and condescending screws (fully fledged army personnel working there), the way you're expected to abandon your personality all together and the excessive rigidness. Yes, fair enough, and he has said himself, he should have anticipated that, but he said he didn't anticipate how he'd really feel about it till he was actually there. He realised it wasn't a life he wanted after all. I admire him for realising that and acting on it. He had to act on it now as otherwise he would have been tied in for four years.

Also I don't know why you assume he doesn't have savings? He does - he's actually pretty good and astute when it comes to saving.

He seems like a genuinely great guy and I'm feeling very happy.

I’m delighted to hear your latest update, OP! You’ve had some very unhelpful comments on this thread, which is disappointing, and I don’t know why so many people are determined that he and/or you are lying.

I’ve known many good people make silly decisions or expensive mistakes and then get their lives back on track. It doesn’t make them feckless or worthless or bad partner material. I’ve done the same myself more than once.

Good for you and for him, OP. You sound like two decent people who deserve to be happy. Who knows if you’ll turn out to be a perfect match in the long term? You have as good a chance as anyone, and you are taking good care of your DC. I wish all of you the best of luck.

Thanks for the update, it sounds a promising start to a new journey for both of you. I had a best friend whose DH was in the army and they had problems with him adjusting to life when he left the army, so I know it’s not easy, but your partner does seem to be clear now what he wants with you in his life.

I feel it's far too soon to introduce him to your son.

Go ahead with dates on your own but the full-on family involvement is a bit early IMO.

All the best with it anyway but I'd slow it down.

I think you're rushing things here and should slow your roll.

You just met him 4 months ago. You've been on dates and talked. He's changed his mind about seeing you a couple times and a career choice. You just got into a relationship with him and you're going on a family holiday with him already?

Enjoy the NRE and date him, but let this guy demonstrate some stability over a period of time before you introduce him to your child. Playing happy family when you just got into a relationship a week or two ago is really reckless, especially with a guy who changes his mind frequently about really important things and hasn't been good at long term commitments. He shouldn't be meeting your child for at least 6 months and with his track record, I'd make that longer.

I'm not asking for permission if I can be in a relationship, I'm just giving an update :-). Also I've kniown him a lot longer than 4 months - we just started dating 4 months ago.

With my family - he's met my parents a few times because I live with them (hard to avoid) but mainly we see each other when my son is asleep or we meet elsewhere. We have plans for him to join us (my extended family) on a long weekend away in April - by then we will have been dating for 6 months and known each other for over a year. That's fine by my books, and again I'm not asking for permission or judgement.

No judgement here - I'm delighted for you. Good luck.

Congratulations! I’m glad it’s worked out and you’re both happy! Also feel a little bit smug that I was right about him (well I hope I was) and not as judgemental assuming the worst!

You will know better than anyone. I hope you’re both really happy together! There may have been a bit of back and forth but I think that was down to his life situation rather than you!

Again congrats - I do love a happy ending