Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

Because you've gotten emotionally invested and have chemistry, you're trying to fit this guy into being the kind of guy who's going to give you the long term stable relationship and another child that you say you want.

He's just not. He does abrupt about faces. He was totally gung ho about the military to the point he wanted a combat role. Anyone who has been around vets know what they carry from their time in combat. Then after a couple weeks, ooops, changed his mind. Now imagine you get pregnant and he does that. Or wants to move on.

The two of you have a core incompatibility that will not go away. You made the mistake of falling for a guy who doesn't want what you want rather than looking for someone who does want the same things out of life that you do. Or, you could decide you're ok with fun guy and put aside your dream of a long term partner and another child. I don't think he's a bad guy, so to speak, but he's superficial and not to be relied upon.

For posters late to this, it's worth reminding everyone he's lasted in the Army for 2 weeks before he decided it wasn't for him. He's now working his 2 weeks' notice before he can leave.
He's almost 35.

That shows a man who is immature. If he'd always wanted to be in the Army he'd have done it long ago. There was nothing to stop him. He was fit, he was a personal trainer. He could and should have joined the TA at 18 to get a real taste for the Army- that's what men do at that age.

You and him are the same age as some of my children.
None of them is as immature as he is.

Please read the post again by @Sartre It says what I've said.

Even if he does move back and you start dating he is not ready for a relationship that's serious AND being a step father to a toddler.

Why are you insisting in your own head that you can magically change him?
You do not need a man like this after all the other relationships you've had.

Like other posters here I'm speaking from (painful) personal experience of being 'messed about' by a man/men who didn't know what they wanted and were emotionally all over the place.

It's not healthy to spend so much emotional energy on this man.
Please, try to move on and do not keep him as 'back burner' hoping he morphs into the man you dream of. To be blunt, he's a headfuck. Sorry!

OP, you have done really well to recognise that the way you are feeling (anxiously-attached) is not so much to do with you, but the circumstances he is putting you in, intentionally or otherwise.

I think that some posters on here are missing a trick suggesting that he just likes the opportunity for 'casual sex' with you, when actually it sounds like the situationship is not predominantly sexual here.

I would avoid assuming the lack of sex is necessarily a sign he 'takes you seriously', and may actually be something he is avoiding so he doesn't have to cross certain lines with you, in case there is an implicit expectation from you that is a step towards further commitment.

The sexual function ishooos you have hinted at, may actually be linked to this.

There will always be some obstacle or other with this man. He’s a flip-flopper. Just kick him to the kerb unless he’s great in the sack as FWB arrangement but is it worth how draining it is to feel the need to provide ‘emotional support’?

If he'd really wanted to join the army for a long time, he'd have done it much sooner AND (given it's never been easier to find out) would've known exactly what the basic training phase was going to be like. He'd have known it's short-lived and designed to be very hard; if he really disliked the trainers, his lifelong (allegedly) ambition to be a paratrooper would've told him 'It's not for long... then I'll be doing my dream role."

I'm afraid as others have said - he's flaky.

We have had sex but he had a medical issue at the start and he was worried having sex would make it worse, but he still wanted to meet up. We did when we were together over Christmas but I'm just saying it didn't feel like it was the primary thing he was after. I think he takes me seriously but it's more whether or not he wants a relationship with anyone right now - he said he doesn't think he's in a good place to have a relationship as he feels crushed by things not working out with the army.

We have had sex but he had a medical issue at the start and he was worried having sex would make it worse, but he still wanted to meet up. We did when we were together over Christmas but I'm just saying it didn't feel like it was the primary thing he was after. I think he takes me seriously but it's more whether or not he wants a relationship with anyone right now - he said he doesn't think he's in a good place to have a relationship as he feels crushed by things not working out with the army.

So leave him alone.

I don't think he is a bad person.
But he must know you're keen to make this work.
IMO he's being as honest and as 'kind' as he can be, without telling you very plainly to 'go away'.

And, of course, he's getting positive feedback every time he messages you which is nice for him as he feels shit after making such a mistake over his career.

'Feeling crushed' after finding a career is not as you'd hoped, and therefore being unable to pick up on dating someone, is pretty pathetic.

But the real reason is you aren't for him now because you have a child, want a family etc and that's not within his emotional bandwidth- probably army drop-out or not.

The army fiasco is a red herring.

I understand you wanted this to work, but the writing on the wall is very clear.

For your own self-respect, you need to walk away.

He has issues committing to anything, relationships, career , I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t have a fixed address for long either, he’s just one of those guys that can’t/won’t be tied down, it just doesn’t work with someone like you that has a child and wants stability, he’s got no reason to tie himself down to one woman and settle, he’s at that age if he wanted it, he would of by now or would be committing to you rather than risk losing you, I don’t think you’d meet the right person then say actually I’m not ready, ready for what he’s had long enough to decide. Be wary of him trying coming back in/out of your life.

He specifically said he didn't want to be in and out of my life. Or hold me back when he feel like I'm more 'sorted' and know what I want in life.

He told me he wants children too and keeps telling me I seem like a great mum - but I can see that he's not emotionally and practically in that place right now and is panicking about a relationship putting him under pressure to get there sooner than he's able to.

Some of the responses are very pessimistic on here. If he wanted to mess you around, why would he communicate honestly that he needs to sort himself out first before committing? It doesn’t sound like you gave him an ultimatum so he could’ve just carried on feeding you a story about how once he was home you’d be together etc. etc…

He doesn’t sound like he’s done anything wrong! His career plan of the past 2 years hasn’t worked out so he wants to take time to focus on himself & get back on track before he commits to a relationship (which inevitably involves dedicating a lot of energy to someone else). That seems perfectly reasonable to me…

If you are still open to meeting someone else (should they appear!) then it seems like you have nothing to lose by carrying on as you are? The worst that will happen is you waste a few weeks/ months and realise it’s going nowhere, but you won’t be left constantly wondering ‘what if’…

We discussed this last time we met up again and actually I hadn't quite understood this correctly. So he had thought about joining the army at 18, but decided that he wanted to travel first, but kind of had it in his head he might still do it one day. Off he went off travelling and trained as an instructor in a sport and did that in several countries over a number of years. He actually didn't actively think about joining the army again until he moved back 2 years ago and then, through his employer, met several ex military peple he found very inspiring and decided to apply after speaking to them over a period of time. Application was delayed due to an injury for a year, hence why he only joined recently.

I disagree you can know exactly how you'll feel in a situation till you're in it. It's not the actual training he dislikes. It's the extreme culture of toxic masculinity. Of course he expected that a lot, but he says it's extreme, and he underestimated how he'd feel about it too.

He sounds such hard work. What happened to the honeymoon period?

Well that was my thinking till I put it on here and got all these very negative responses. I do see where they're coming from, and it could be true, but also I don't massively see the harm in waiting a month to see what happens.

I appreciate the thoughts and insights on both sides. Maybe if we leave it here and I'll update in another month or if there are any dramatic changes in the meantime 🙂.

Not only is he showing signs of avoidant/commitmentphobe behaviour, but he also hasn't given you sensuality right out the stable door with a strong sexual dynamic.
In other words, he isnt showing you life partner potential but nor is he showing passionate lover energy.
My concern would be that he is leaning on you during a fragile time in his life, almost like hes looking for a quasi maternal figure with a dash of romance, someone he feels tender towards but who has more a role of "holding" him and holding up a mirror to where he is at.
this is possibly the kind of man who, in two or three years time, has jetted off to Australia with a woman 10 years younger who has helped him "reground" - they then spend 5 years "travelling" until she dumps him, and now he's 42 and even more lost.
Sounds cynical maybe - just what ive seen.
Take care of yourself OP and follow your instinct.
One kf the most valuable lessons i ever learnt is that someone can be a good person yet also selfish: a man can be nice and decent yet also take what he needs from a willing participant x

Why do you think that if you leave this for a month anything will be any different?

but also I don't massively see the harm in waiting a month to see what happens.

But he's told you he doesn't want what you want. He's actually said he doesn't want a full-on relationship.

He's not going to change who he is or what he wants in 4 weeks.

The way I see it is you appear to have a self-sabotage side to your personality.
Or maybe it's all about control. And being determined to get whatever you've set you mind on?

Your level of investment after a few dates is not healthy.

Instead of trying to figure him out, it might help if you figure out your own behaviour and unhealthy attachment to avoid more heartache down the line.

This is difficult as 90% of posters are saying the same thing but your own mindset isn't budging.

Your mom taught you to equate instant chemistry with long term love and marriage. You felt chemistry with this guy, you obviously really want a long term live in partner and to have another kid. You want to turn him into that guy that wants long term stability and will honour his commitments and raise kids with you.

He doesn't even want a relationship.

Your emotional investment in him is going to hold you back from finding a guy who really does want the same things as you.

Do you think he'll change his mind in a month that he's all in and wants the same future as you do? And that you can count on him not to change his mind the next month?

I think you’re being very sensible and that humans are not black and white, they can change. There seems a lot of black and white thinking here

My DH was in the army (doctor) and has moved around the country be very nature of his job, settling to little. However, I think he chose that job because he dreamed of adventure and only suited himself. Although, he had had some longer term relationships 3/4 years. He had adventure/ wunderlust but also professed to desperately want children. I was so confused in early dating because he’d say he wants to be a present father but also that he wanted to go and do all these weird and wonderful things. I was like — where are these children you keep talking about?! Lots of learning and growing (for both of us) later, he is a wonderful, reliable and committed father to my two children from a previous marriage and the child(ren) we have had together

He wasn’t a bad person but free spirited and had never had to be reliable. He knew the husband and father he wanted to be so changed and developed to be him but is still himself as well. Many of us need to change when we settle down and have children, your commitments mean you need to live differently and be more reliable

By that I mean, listen to your instincts and end or continue things as you see fit

Kindly, that is totally different.
This man has told OP he is not emotionally ready for a relationship and a ready made family.

Your H had gone through a huge amount of training to be a doctor and then join the Army. Presumably he made that choice at 18 to study medicine. He'd worked very hard at his degree and within the army.

Having a spirit of adventure and enjoying travel etc is fine. He wanted adventure within the context of his career and a family. As you found out, that is compatible with having a family.

-One guy who I got very attached to soon after my long-term relationship ended, who was classic Mr Unavailable and strung me along for years. Only ended when I just stopped messaging him back as I knew he wouldn't change.

-A Younger guy where we fell in love but he had serious issues that I tried to help him with, but he ended the relationship, saying to protect me.

-The father of my child, who love-bombed me, but unbeknown to me was involved with his ex. He left me when I was pregnant for her.

All of these relationships hurt me greatly, and caused a lot of emotional and physical stress.

If you're still reading, @Bunny44 maybe look at what you said here.

You've been strung along or chosen 'losers' for years. You allowed the first man here to string you along for years. Why? You thought he would change? You were too scared to end it?

The second man - you became his counsellor/ mother figure- again, trying to change him so he'd stay with you.

The father of your child- living another life where you either didn't notice anything wrong or chose not to want to see it. And didn't recognise love-bombing.

There is a pattern here.
It comes over as you persisting with relationships because you won't accept the reality of them. You cling on and on, until they end it.

Maybe you should consider some counselling to talk this over because one reason could be low self worth where you think you will never find anyone else? or, you have a control issue where you want to control men's feelings till they align with yours.

He hasn't said that consistently - it's only due to how he feels right now. He said he feels in a bad place emotionally right now and doesn't know how long he needs and doesn't want the pressure of a committed relationship while he sorts his head out. I discussed it with my mum and she's seen his messages and says she suspects he's very depressed due to the current situation with leaving (she had a similar work situation at one point/made a career choice she regretted which made her feel awful), and did say that can take some time to get over.

Had it not been for the army situation he would have been happy to have a relationship and was talking about wanting children soon.

I think you should take a look at the men you have chosen before and how you seem to have a habit of choosing men who can't give you what you want.
There is a pattern.

'Being depressed' after not liking the Army is not a reaction that shows maturity or resilience. I don't think your mum is being helpful by comparing her own experience which was not the same at all.

Most people have ups and downs in their careers but how they respond to those challenges is key.

Why do you have a habit of choosing men who are unreliable, liars or just mixed up?

Seriously- be more choosy.
He's not the only man left on the planet.

I think it's fair to say I have had a history of staying longer than I should have done in some relatioships, but I think saying him being depressed is a sign of weakness is unacceptable or saying he is a liar. It's very toxic to be dismissive of men's mental health disorders and exactly the reason why we have a problem with a high level of male suicide in society. Being depressed absolutely does happen in these sorts of situations and it's neither a sign of being immature or not resilient. You're only saying that because he's a man. If I told you a similar story about a woman you wouldn't be so dismissive.

Also you don't know what his exact experience or my mum's were and there are actually quite a lot of similarities and my mum was extremely depressed and had to have counselling for a long time after. Sometimes making a big life choice that turns out to be wrong, is awful, as it being stuck in a job that you hate. I admire the fact that this guy realised his mistake quickly and has been able to own it and is getting through the training even though he hates being there. For what it's worth they were really surprised when he said he was leaving as he had kept it entirely to himself and still thrown himself into everything.

I've said a lot already, but that doesn't mean you know the ins or outs of this guy and you're making an awful lot of assumptions about him. He's a good person, going through a tough time, and yes there is a question over if he'll be in a place for a relationship any time soon, but I have no question whether he's being honest and also I think it shows a lot of maturity to have realised this situation isn't for him. I really think you should look at how you judge men going through a crisis as it's extremely unhelpful to insinuate that they need to get on with it or are weak.

I had counselling after these situations and took a long break from dating and actually I do feel in a better place than before and I don't think this situation is the same right now. It has the potential to be but I don't think that's where it is right now and I don't have the intention to let it get there. Although I would like a relationship, I'd rather be on my own than in a bad one, especially with my son to consider and also I don't have the time and energy for any drama these days. I also would like another child, but it's not the end of the world if I don't. I'm not desperate.

Mostly the situation with the miliary guy I feel like I'm getting on with my life but also seeing what happens with him. I don't want to waste my time, but it's only been a couple of months so I don't think it's at all comparable. I wouldn't let it drag out or get over-involved in trying to help him (which I can tell he doesn't want anyway). I think he's likely to push me away if I tried.

I started this thread to find out about what it's like to date someone in the army, and got lots of helpful responses, but happily I don't have to do that now. I'm not really seeking input on whether I should give this a go given the new scenario, and so don't really appreciate the continued insistence that I shouldn't. It's interesting hearing people's points of view and things to watch out for, but ultimately it's up to me to make the decision, being the one who lives it.