Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

She doesn't have to. They may find a way of life that doesn't necessitate that. It's too early to tell if that is a possibility.

No. Fully grown adult men with wives and kids. I can tar them all because I lived if. The ones who don’t cheat are few and far between, the older guys who don’t cheat certainly did when they were younger, going by their “banter”.

If you’re a military wife then you believe what you need to believe. Good luck.

I have also lived on many different military bases and not seen what you describe. Yes, some do cheat, but definitely not the majority.

@Bobiverse. Rubbish. My dc is military, cheating would be looked upon very dimly, certainly not routine behaviour

It's a non-starter.

You can also believe what you want.

I’ll just continue with the actual knowledge I’ve gained by actually being there.

Proceed with MAJOR (oh dear, excuse the pun) caution.

Being a service wife is HARD. You cannot ever bank on them being home when they said they would be. Service comes first, not family. Any emergency? You might not even know where he is. Don't assume you can just FT him, it doesn't work like that.

If he sees action it is less likely the same man will come home to you. Believe me, I know.

He will miss milestones. Anniversaries, the lot.

I'm afraid to say there is a lot of temptation wherever he goes. One of the places DH was stationed had a list of sex workers to avoid due to STIs.

DH and I are divorcing after 22 years. Not because of the job exactly. Because of the man he became.

If a man is in my future with a similar background, believe me I would throw him straight back in. Non negotiable.

Straight into a combat role? He’ll need to do his Basic Training first

we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

Well you're not going to get any of that, so I don't really understand how you're squaring "I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner" with what you're actually looking for.

And what is he actually asking? For you to commit to some kind of relationship with him? Because that's almost comically cheeky and you'd be a fucking fool.

It's him who's asking if I want to take it further and talking about the future.
Of course he's saying this! What else would he say?? "I want sex before I go away, and then whenever I'm back, but no sleeping with other men in between" is something that no man ever has said in the history of the world. But every man who wants that has said he wants a relationship.

If you're so determined about it, then why not just say you'll keep in touch and see how things go. Facetime him, visit him in training, but with no commitment. Carry on dating and meeitng other people, and be open that you'll be doing that, but do not put all your eggs in this basket. If he doesn't like that, then he ain't it. He should not be asking more of you. But I suspect he knows you're on the hook for him and will go along with what he wants.

On the contrary . I've seen situations were people have had to be transfered after having affairs. No one would work with them.

I have actual knowledge from actually being there and I think you're talking bollocks too.

I was a single parent for a while. My child was my priority until I met someone who I wanted to settle down with, but even then he knew she was the priority, so knew I would not be moving house, not be having more children for a good while, not be putting my relationship with him before her needs. Putting your child first doesnt automatically mean no relationships, but it does mean prioritising them.
If he is looking for a long term relationship with a woman who has a child, then he has to accept that she’s not going to follow him around whilst he fulfills his dream.

Proceed with MAJOR (oh dear, excuse the pun) caution.

Being a service wife is HARD. You cannot ever bank on them being home when they said they would be. Service comes first, not family. Any emergency? You might not even know where he is. Don't assume you can just FT him, it doesn't work like that.

If he sees action it is less likely the same man will come home to you. Believe me, I know.

He will miss milestones. Anniversaries, the lot.

I'm afraid to say there is a lot of temptation wherever he goes. One of the places DH was stationed had a list of sex workers to avoid due to STIs.

DH and I are divorcing after 22 years. Not because of the job exactly. Because of the man he became.

If a man is in my future with a similar background, believe me I would throw him straight back in. Non negotiable.

I am not super familiar with military service so have no idea whether this is all nonsense. The OP says it is not nonsense so I’ll go with that.

BUT I wonder if this is putting the cart before the horse. The relationship is in its early days and the OP has a child and a job. If I were seeing a new man but was about to be seconded to Zurich (say), I might very well say “Why don’t you visit me?” but I’d be quite taken aback if he were fretting about how to make this work as a couple. It’s a bit too early.

If this man really is very serious about the OP (he could be, it does happen) then it is up to him to make that clear. And to work out whether he can fit in with the OP’s life. The Rules get a hard time on here but they would pretty much say that in these cases it is up to the OP to focus on her own stuff and up to this man joining the Armed Forces to do the work to see her. By fretting over how this is going to work, the OP is taking that away from this man.

You're very adamant you're right in spite of other military wives disagreeing.
No, I'm not a MW!

It's just any sensible person can understand that not every man in the Forces is unfaithful.

I don't think you did 'live it' because you weren't actually in the Forces.

How did you actually see and hear all your say you did?

Doesn't stack up.

The American statistics are that 70% of military marriages have infidelity.
Over a one year period, the cheating rate was around 22% amongst military men, compared with 1.5% in the general population. And these are just the reported cases, not the ones going without any sort of documentation.

You can google for yourself how prevalent cheating is with men in the military. Or you could listen to a woman telling you about it.

I’m not talking about nice UK based with family living there, or nice European bases. I’m talking about being stations abroad; Middle East, Africa, Asia. Places where families don’t come along and live in military housing.

Yes, their wives sitting at home saying “my husband wouldn’t cheat.”

Of course. I’m sure they didn’t. Lovely marriages.

I don’t know anything about military life so can’t really help OP but it doesn’t sound ideal.

A lot have said there’s long periods with no contact at all and I was just wondering why that is now mobile phones exist. Why can’t they have a 5 min chat even if they’re away. Sorry if I’m being totally stupid.

"It's a way of life, not a job. His will always trump yours".

THIS A THOUSAND TIMES

I'm a high earner in a senior role. I earn more than him, pretty much fund the whole family (that's another matter).

But I'm also the one who picks up a sick child from school, organises the boiler service, works out how I'm meant to get DD to football, DS to swimming and DD2 to get part time job, all at the same.

I also have a chronic condition that ends me up in hospital every 1-2 years. Luckily I have amazing friends but it's a HUGE ask for them to adopt my kids gut several weeks.

So it's not really what you were describing at all.

I didn't think of that, but I can see how it could be true.

An army officer I knew years ago used to say that the hardest part about being away on tour was coming back and settling back into each others' routines. Which I guess is similar of what you are saying.

You do know that a DBS check takes minutes don’t you? You complete the form, it gets sent to the DBS service and they complete the checks. My last enhanced DBS was returned in 2 weeks, my DH needed one for a temp job this summer, his came back in1 week.
https://jobs.army.mod.uk/how-to-join/application-process/regular-soldier/

This too.

It won't be a nice house in Germany. He'll, I've never done an accompanied tour as not suitable for civilians.

Look at his actions, not his words.

He says he wants a child, but is actively joining a profession that would make even conceiving a child difficult (he may not be home on your fertile days), he could miss the birth and he’d certainly miss a lot of the hands-on child raising. He’s going to be a largely absent parent if he ever is one in this profession.

Would you take a job which meant you wouldn’t see your child for weeks or even months at a time? I bet you would, or even have, made compromises with your career to be around MORE for your child, not less.

These kind of men like the idea of having a child, but don’t want to actually do any of the hard work of parenting or have to compromise their career or social life/hobbies, and that’s not the kind of father you want for any future children, surely?

It is. Over the course of their military career, 70% of military veterans report cheating on their partner.

I would categorise 70% as the majority, wouldn’t you? And that’s data collected by asking them to self report. Not everyone is actually going to to admit it.

What I saw in Afghanistan… they were all doing it, bar a handful. What I saw everywhere, they were all doing, bar a handful.

Wife at home, girlfriend or hook up in country.

Military wives will believe what they want, and think a few high profile punishments for adultery means it’s all taken care of and frowned upon. That’s their choice to believe it, but no women I’ve ever worked with who was out there would ever date a man in the military.