Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

Are you in the UK, OP? Just wondering because of the time you're posting.

A family member of mine joined up this year. Their LTR didn't survive past a few months. A few observations I would make:

• there are long periods with no contact at all while they're in training, and a lack of information for loved ones on what's happening when
• it's incredibly intense and exhausting for them - when you do make contact they are often quite self absorbed
• they also party hard and there's a lot of fraternising regardless of relationship status
• combat training changes a man. They become hyper alert and switched on. And, of course, comfortable with the prospect of killing another human being

-they are incredibly bonded to their fellow soldiers and feel a lot of pressure to fit in with the group, even when they do get leave you may not be the priority.

Fingers crossed 😅. Joking though as I think he'd be devastated. He passed the initial tests to join training with flying colours. He is very fit.

Yes I'm in the UK. I just can't sleep as it's on my mind.

Yes thanks for your points - all worth considering and highlighting.

Yes I'm aware of the no contact thing and that worries me a lot more in the longer term, say if we had kids. I'm not a particularly clingy person otherwise.

With the party side, he doesn't drink at all and that party not really his thing.

I worry about the influence of the military on behaviour, especially with racism, homophobia and misogyny as those would be a massive problem for me. I'm hoping he's old enough to be less influenced than what I've seen on others.

Presuming job is real. Presuming you can drop everything and go and visit him when he’s off duty.

A friend dated someone in the army for over 20 years, it completely changed him. Turning him from someone loving and kind, into someone who relied heavily on alcohol to get to sleep due to nightmares/PTSD which only seemed to happen when he was at home. He treated her like shit in the end. They can’t tell you much about the job, they can go away on tour for six months, the job was and is his life, rising through the ranks- it’s all that matters. He became almost a recluse when not working. Hiding away, smoking for 2/3 weeks, edgy- itching to get back to base. Having to stay incredibly fit, it gets harder as you get older, they’re up against younger staff. Just an edit to say he also became very arrogant! He was ‘saving lives’ my friends job was ‘nothing’ in comparison to that.

She is now alone, too old to have children. I’m not saying all military staff are like this, but it’s a way of life not a ‘job’. His will always trump yours.

It’s only been a few weeks, you could carry on dating but I wouldn’t commit to being his girlfriend, sending him parcels in the post etc and seeing him when it suits him.

Re: the partying. He may not now, but see my last point. You may think you have a man who doesn't drink, smoke, wear Crocs with socks or whatever.... but once there he will follow the leaders and do anything to fit in.

It makes no sense to me why you’re even giving this headspace when you’ve been dating this man for a few weeks. As you have children, and mention needing your parents’ help with childcare, I’m assuming you can’t have spent much time with him over those few weeks, either.

Tbh, I’d have been annoyed he even asked me out, only to tell me on the first date he was about to join the military — that to me is someone not in a position to date who is wasting my time.

He's mid 30s and he's never drunk alcohol, smoked or taken drugs in his life as he's not interested. You talk about it like he's 18. He's worked in places where everyone else drinks a lot and still not even tried it.

Of course it will be! Nothing mundane like ordering supplies 😂😂

I have a family member in the military. I don't think it has to be doomsday. Thousands of families manage it after all. I might see how it goes for 6 months. I understand you want a partner, your child is young and that's a lot of years of being single otherwise. Good luck.

He’s not going off for a risky combat role in a few weeks, he’ll be doing basic training for about 3 months this then his trade training for maybe 6 months before any postings start

Bet he is not allowed Facetime when ‘on duty abroad’

Sounds very suss to me and that's coming from a large military family, it's extremely rare as in so rare it will barely ever happen for someone so old to be accepted into the army. Even more suss that he's been in another country until very recently. I would be staying well clear.

If you work with people in the forces, why don’t you ask them your military life questions IRL? You aren’t going to get many answers you like on here tbh

This.

You've just met him really - the "joining the military" story might just be a story to leave him free to have essentially an intense holiday romance type relationship and end it because the stars aren't aligned (rather than because he only ever wanted a fling). His age makes this seem likely - it'd be far more believable if he was 23...

It is hard to meet someone you like and connect with … your long period single tells you this (I’ve also been there) So with that in mind I’d be inclined to give it a go.
However, the practicalities May end up being too much for you both. Really think through these … how long he will be in the military for, where he might be stationed etc.
He could also join and hate it.
Good luck. Keep us posted on how things work out.

I’m sorry you’re not getting the answers you want, op, but previous posters are almost certainly right.

His story is entirely unbelievable. He’s a complete Walt. The likelihood of joining up at that age is low.

Being a military spouse is awful. Trust me, it ended my marriage. You either live on camp miles from home with the expectation that you move every couple of years and uproot your kids and your own career (or don’t have one at all- it was no coincidence that in my military wife days all the wives either sold unique makeup on Facebook or worked from home doing nails/hair/ beauty all of which I’d be terrible at). Or you live miles apart and might as well not be married anyway.

the military has no regard for spouses and kids. They put you in shoddy, mouldy houses or change your plans at the drop of a hat. If you dare to complain, to CO says things like “what you don’t understand is that (spouse’s name) is very good at his job” as though you aren’t good at yours and your career shouldn’t matter.

I married a nice one on the whole but he was still heavily influenced by an army first party hard culture.

i couldn’t respect a man who already had a child choosing this lifestyle.

and that’s the best case scenario, if his story is true!

I am a military wife (6 years) from a military family, and there are some bits here that simply don’t ring true, OP. Firstly - there is zero way he is going to a ‘risky combat role’ in a few weeks when he hasn’t even started let alone completed basic training yet. Basic is 3 months ish and that’s before the role specific training that comes after that. He’s not heading into a combat zone imminently and he’s lying to you if he says that’s the case. Presumably he knows where he’s going for basic - there’s about 2 options - so I’d start with seeing how you feel when he’s there and take it bit by bit, although in training he’s unlikely to have much access to his phone so your contact will be limited.
The moving element comes from the assignment length and changing of stations at the end of them; a spouse can either go with their partner or choose to stay geographically separated. Either route is hard, as a military wife it’s incredibly hard to maintain a career in your own right, and both become even harder when there are overseas deployments to consider. Periods of deployment in the Middle East have shredded my nerves more than once.

I’d ask more questions if I was you. It’s clear you believe him and so it’s important you understand as much as possible. But I repeat, he’s not imminently going into combat.

One of my dc is in a relationship with a soldier. They spend a lot of time apart, often they can’t even speak by phone but in a way it suits them, The young soldier is very ambitious- does all the courses goes for all their promotions and has done very well. My dc is doing professional exams and will be snowed under with work for a few years while they establish their career. It sounds like you want someone there all the time, it’s unpredictable- so much so that even a family Xmas dinner we have booked for 22 Dec might not work out. They can’t even easily have a holiday together. I think you’d find it hard.

Wow I’m so sorry for all the negative and nasty comments and judgemental ones!! Obviously you’re not stupid enough to have believed him without confirmation which you have - I don’t understand why the immediate reaction has been that he’s a bad person and a liar etc the poor guy has clearly done nothing wrong!

I’m also a single parent of a toddler and have been single for years - I’m guessing you’re similar to me in that you’re happy with your life and unless you meet the right person you’ll stay single. You are entitled to a life away from just being a mum so please ignore the people commenting as if you’re abandoning your child.

I don’t have any military experience but I just wanted to say that if you think there could be a future then go for it - what have you got to lose? If it doesn’t work out at least you tried. You may not even find long distance that difficult as you’re used to being alone and working full time etc .

Good luck and don’t take the negativity to heart!

With respect, if you’ve no military experience then that’s why you don’t understand why people are worried. No one is being unreasonable in their ‘negativity’ - we are presenting facts about Army training processes. If they don’t ring true with what this man is saying then she needs to understand why, no one should blindly walk into anything let alone a military life.

You can always try it and see how it goes. If it doesn’t work out then end it. I do think you might be better off looking for someone with a more compatible lifestyle though. I also think you don’t want to be hanging around waiting for him when he is off somewhere potentially hooking up with other people.

He told you this on your first date, that’s when you should have walked away.

OP has said she has confirmed what he has said with mutual friends - so he clearly isn’t lying? I don’t understand why the immediate reaction is that he must be a liar cause he’s not lived a typical life, has lived abroad and is joining the army later than normal.

OP said she they are friends on social media too which has also confirmed everything he has told her. Like she said they aren’t strangers they knew each other beforehand but have only just started something romantic.

She has done her due diligence but most people on here seem to be convinced he is lying despite OP explaining she has confirmed it

I wouldn't, go there.
You will be effectively single for long periods of time, maybe all of the time if you are not willing to move around due to child's school and career etc, but also not available.

See this sounds perfect to me - I’m a single parent too and I can’t imagine ever living with a man again. I like my own space and my own routine etc. Maybe OP is the same she said she has been single for a long time. When you’re used to being on your own and are content then you’re not usually willing to give that up easily! If I met someone again I don’t think I’d want to live together and I’d still want some time for myself and not be together 24/7. Everyone is different of course but for some people it could work well