Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

Sometimes in life you need to take a bit of a risk. You sound as if you both like each other enough to make this work. From what you have said so far, I would say he has integrity. I would go with the flow, don’t make any big life decisions and see how it works out. You don’t have anywhere enough information yet to predict how things will develop. And you’re not in deep enough to cause a big problem if you do split further down the line.

I grew up in a military town and so had a lot of exposure but not from a military family myself. I decided it wouldn’t be right for me and I wouldn’t date anyone in the army. I got married at 21 and divorced at 30 with someone I met at school. After my divorce, I had 2DC and met my now husband who was a doctor in the army. He said from the beginning that he was willing to leave if it was right for him so I tried it out. I hated it every bit as much as I thought I would and he hated it too once he had a family.

I never moved around, staying in the home I owned. Deployments and long distance are hard and absolutely not for me. I don’t enjoy military culture either. He’s now a civilian paediatrician and seems very happy

Hi op, I've been a military wife now for 13 years. Honestly it's tough and very lonely at times.
I've often questioned whether I am able to continue living this kind of half-life, solo parenting but also being married. The bad has been Christmasses and birthdays alone, long periods of no-contact, and some years where he's been away 95% of the time. Be prepared for your plans to change at the drop of a hat and having to explain to upset children and be the person that they get angry at.
This is the reality of being a military partner, and it doesn't get easier following basic training.
Ultimately for me, the good outweighs the bad, and I've been driven to build a full life independently of my relationship, which I think it's a good thing. Good luck whatever you decide!

To me it is like a cult and changes people. They need to create people very bonded to their colleagues and the army and have them believe that they are above civilians. I always found it wild that titles and medals are worth so so much. Willing to give up anything to achieve one.

Now he is out the other side, my DH still finds it surprising how little people care or know about the army. It was like being in a cult and becomes everything to you

My DH is in the military & we have 2 small children. I don’t live on a married patch as I have a good job and want a stable life for our DC. DH comes home at weekends and lives on camp in the week - there are lots of others who do this also.

It is not an easy lifestyle & I would think twice about getting involved with it, but if you really like each other it is doable.

Hardest parts:

• deployments can come about / change at last minute, we have been making arrangements whilst he is on leave to then be told he needs to come back to camp immediately as being deployed
• long periods apart with little contact - there have been times where we haven’t been able to speak for extended periods which means making decisions & managing things by yourself, as well as the fact you will miss them!
• Lack of support - you need other support around you if you go on to have DC together as you can essentially be a single mum for months on end. Especially when working & kids get ill etc
• maintaining trust can be hard - you need a solid foundation & to be able to trust one another as there will be times when they are going out partying, you won’t know what they are doing and you need to be comfortable with that.
• resentment - this is terrible & I would say I have had to do a lot of work in this area to help myself! Resentment over them being able to live like a single, child-free person a lot of the time whilst you are at home carrying all the responsibilities of your family.
• culture - regardless of how you think he doesn’t drink/ party, the culture is heavily focused on joining in with what everyone else is doing - if that means everyone else is going out partying you are very unlikely to want to stand out & say no. I also find it rubs off on them after a deployment and it can take a while for them to readjust to ‘family’ mode.

All in all, if you are looking for the sort of relationship where you can depend on your partner to be there for you at all times & everything is equal between you then it is not for you. If you are used to be single/ getting on with your own life & have plenty going on for yourself the there is no reason why it can’t work!

@Bunny44 you seem very loved up and really wanting to make this work.

I think your non-negotiable at the moment is wanting to stay put which is sensible.

From what you have said, for the next few years at least, it sounds like your lives are going in different directions. From the PPs on here that have lived this life, it sounds incredibly difficult. Please listen to them.

He's got 8 months of training first. He's told me where he's going for training and he's told me about the base he's likely going after that. He's invited me to visit while he's on training. Yes he said he does basic training then there's another bit after specific to the unit he's applied to join.

I think I'm going to stop replying to people saying he's lying as I literally know he's not. The things you've all picked on aren't things he's said, they're things I've said on here. Prob my fault for the way I've phased things but it didn't occur to me people would think he's lying, as I've confirmed I know he's not.

If you say which area of the army he is going into, you will probably get better responses from people who have a spouse in the same field or know someone in that division.
I don't think this would be outing

Yes that's what he told me. I said risky combat role for context of what he's aiming to qualify to do long term.

I think it will be because it's also unusual to be joining at his age.

I thought the same. He might be “deployed” back to another family and you’re the OW.

So give it a chance. It isnt like agreeing to still see him after he moves is a marriage contract.

OP I’d let this one go whilst in early dating days before it goes any further. You aren’t going to get the type of relationship you won’t as he’ll never be there. Probably should have gone no further after first date.

Mmm might make sense if its one of the Professional jobs like Chaplain or Medical...

With a partner in the Forces, you have to accept its Job First, life second.
The job doesn't make people racist or misogynistic... but it does make characteristics like that worse. And good points better... military personnel can be the most loyal people ever.

FWIW... my husband told me on our first date, when we were barely adults, he was joining the army and no relationship would change that. He knew the stats about how my relationships survived the first year. (It was 5% at the time). That was 20 years ago. Im dreading him leaving in a few years and we've got used to bring apart.

Your relationship is new. Just go with the flow. But only if you trust him. As others have pointed out... the story has flaws.

I think maybe read my other posts

Of course he is …
in my experience these stories of military are usually cover for prison time
do a Claire’s law
please
his story does NOT add up

I don’t know anything about the army, but it’s quite impressive they have such a quick turn around time. If he’d only just found out he’d been accepted on your first date and then starts training 4-6wks later. Takes me much longer than that to hire someone in the private sector and we have a lot fewer forms and checks!

You talk about wanting more children, would this be possible with him in the army? You say your late 30s, so by the time you’ve begun a long distance relationship and he’s had time to meet your child and live together you will be early 40s. Then the act of trying for a baby when he may be in another country to you sounds very difficult, especially when it’s likely to be more difficult as you get older.

It sounds a lot when you have only been dating a few weeks, you barely know each other, yet are making all these plans. It sounds a bit like your love-bombing each other.

He might not even get past the first few weeks of basic training, a lot drop out. Give it a few months- a year and then reevaluate and

Obviously, you end it. Or have a bit of fun, until he leaves and then end it. I don't see the big connudrum. It's a non-starter.

(Edit to say that I'm a "military wife" and it doesn't sound like it would be the life for you.)

So if he joined up, he'd have months on end doing his initial training where he would be based at a barracks and possibly able to travel back to you at weekends. He would then (assuming no active conflict) spend a proportion of his time in the UK at his parent unit (either married unaccompanied where he would stay in accommodation at barracks during the week or family would travel with him and stay in family accommodation near his parent unit - you might need to be married or have a child with him to be eligible for family accommodation). He would then spend a certain proportion of his time on deployment (may be many months on end) with some breaks to travel home for r&r of if you are legally family, you may be able to accompany him overseas. He would also have exercises and adventure training, so lots of reasons he may only be around part of the time.

The long-distance can be really draining, most of the admin burden can fall on partners and being military spouse/girlfriend can be really hard. If you accompany the service person, you may move around the country every 2-3 years with new postings with school changes or you may need to accept subsidised boarding school if loss of friendship groups/continuity is too unsettling for your existing child.

A lot of partners romanticise it before they see the reality, but it can be fairly brutal.

You only ‘know’ he’s not lying as you are going on what he is saying and his social media
do you know anyone in his family ?
long term friend ?
these going into the military blokes covering for prison time can be really convincing - and they prey on women with kids, working with a home. Everything they have not got.
they often change their names by deed poll as part of the deception, even going as far as seeking treatment for the PTSD they developed from their ‘combat’
honestly - it’s a huge thing

I’m sure you’re right but he sounds like the equivalent of one of those blokes you meet in the pub who tell you they were in the SAS or the Foreign Legion - and the stench of BS is overwhelming …..

I know his place of work/colleagues/friends. I know his boss who he had to get paperwork from and also hand in his notice to. So unless he's on it too 🤷🏻‍♀️.

He's literally invited me to visit him where he's training next month so I'll let you know if it turns out to be a prison instead 👀

Yes please do report back back after the visit 😀😀

Yes it does sound like lot... He seemed to think I can go up to visit him while he's training as well? Although I might need to clarify.