Date tells me he's joining the military. What should I do?

[Bunny44]

I've recently met a wonderful man in a meet- cute sort of situation who I've been dating the last few weeks. It's obvious we are very well matched and he's just so lovely and nice person. I feel like I've been waiting forever for someone like him.

I'm late 30s and a single mum to a toddler. In the last 10 years I've only had one serious relationship of one year (which resulted in him leaving me while pregnant for someone else)... Before my ex I dated but none of it went anywhere significant. I had a long term relationship in my 20s where we lived together and I've been really craving having that again. A home together. Having a partner to do life with and have more children with.

This guy wants that, BUT he did tell me on our first date he's been accepted into the military and starts next month far away from where we currently live. As my feelings for him have grown, to be honest I'm gutted, as what I understand is that he'll essentially be away and awful lot. Having just spent years on my own and gone through pregnancy and bringing up my first child on my own, I hoped when I met someone this time we'd do it all together. His base would also be far from where I live near my parents and I work full time in a good job where sometimes I have to travel so need support to do my job. Essentially I see a situation with him where I'd still rely on my parents for support.

He's told me he understands it's a big thing and to think about it, but I'm so torn as I'm sure he'd be an amazing partner and I really like him, but would I just be signing myself to a life of loneliness? Or is it better than in my head?

To be clear he would be in a risky combat role where I understand he can be posted in remote places. He's mid 30s so slightly younger but also wants children soon.

Sorry this reply is so patronising and something which is only said to single women. Makes me so mad when people make comments like this as is just so misogynistic and unhelpful to tell women they have to stay single till their kids grow up.

I've been single basically a decade. I'm allowed to want and consider a relationship. My priority is my child obviously which is also part of the consideration.

How come you have to move around all the time? Is that to be near the base? What's the point in that if they're away anyway? Can I not just stay where I am where I have a support network?

Genuine questions as I want to understand how it works.

As you aren't a serial dater and not one of those women who seem to "need" a man, I would probably carry on seeing him and see how it pans out.
You might find that you don't really like doing the long distance relationship, on the other hand, it may well suit you. You obviously have your eyes wide open to the pitfalls.

I’ve been a military spouse for a long time…..and in your position? I’d run for the hills.
You're absolutely right in saying that being a military family generally isn’t conducive with the non-serving spouse maintaining a career, unless you’re in an industry that can follow you (NHS for example) or you’re self-employed and can set up shop wherever you end up.
We’ve moved house every couple of years, sometimes within the U.K., sometimes in other countries - we are just coming to end of our current posting which has been 2 years spent 5500 miles away from where is home for me. My parents have seen their grandchildren twice in the past 2 years as a result and this whole posting has been fucking miserable for me what with the legalities of me not being able to work in this country.
My kids have never known any different, they were born into this life and as a result are incredibly adaptable to change, but I can’t imagine it would be easy at all on kids who’ve only ever known their home, their school etc
As for the military side of things…..day to day it’s not much different to your spouse having an office job. On base, mostly normal office hours unless there’s a training exercise or range day happening. Deployments are hell. I felt sick every time someone knocked on my door when I wasn’t expecting anybody the entire time he was gone - every time I fully expected it to be a member of the top brass and the base chaplain coming to tell me my husband was dead. You try to stay away from the news because you just don’t want to hear any of it. Communication can be sketchy while they are away.
It definitely not a life I’d recommend anyone jumping into on a whim.
In your situation, if you really like this guy and see a future with him, let him go, and do the long-distance thing - he’ll be in basic training for at least 14 weeks, and then trade training for roughly the same amount of time after that, depending on what trade he’s going into. That give you 6 months give or take. If he’s truly serious about being with you, then long distance won’t be a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️ If he’s not, then he’ll quickly show you that he’s not.

But you need to seriously consider whether a relationship without a clear endgame right now is worth upended your entire life and your child’s life for.

You’ve not been single basically a decade. You were together a year with the father of your toddler. You’re amping up the tragedy to play into what you want to be true, which is why people are saying to be more clear-eyed. Early days of dating are a heady time and so it is different for single women with toddlers to consider rather than mothers in established relationships with their co-parents. That’s not misogyny, it’s just patently a different situation.

Army wife?
Following him around the world?

You have a child and youve been dating AFEW WEEKS

Chill you boots!

You don’t have to live on camp, no. You would just see each other less. When he’s home, he’d likely drive home Friday evening and return to camp Sunday. Depending on where he’d be stationed it might not even be a visible option if the distance is too far.

Also not sure what he’s thinking he’s actually doing when he’s saying an “active combat role. All sounds a bit, weird.

Are you sure he is single? Could be just an excuse for disappearing for long periods of time out of communication…

Is he heck busy doing all the paperwork if he’s joining in a months time!

I’ve served in the military. If he’s joining in a months time, all that paperwork would have been done by now and the paperwork needed hardly keeps you ‘busy’. This sounds fishy!

Was going to say he sounds married.

Reckon he will soon be asking you for cash. This sounds so dodgy,

He didn't say that, I was just trying to be unspecific about the type of unit he'd be joining to not be outing. I know which unit he'd be joining and tried to describe it generically. The main base is 3 hours away from where we live currently.

Read my other posts.

Read my other posts

Starting training in a month's time. Doing the final parts of the DBS check. That's quite normal.

I don't think I'd move around with him - why would I do that? I own a house here and if he's on assignments I'd want my family and friends for support. I work remotely for the most part but I still need to be based in a specific country.

He's suggested I might come up and visit him during his training and he'd see me during the holidays, the first being Christmas so not far away, but to be honest it's not so easy to just go up and visit as I'd have to leave my child behind with my parents.

You've got a good, presumably hard won well paid career and you have a child.

why would you give all that security up for someone you've only just met on a date? It makes no sense.

you think you're well-matched but you actually have no idea whether you are or not, you've just seen the nice side of someone who is on their best behaviour.

and remember, he wasn't honest with you about his plans. Why would someone who is planning to join the military be embarking on a relationship at that time in their life. Very poor judgement. He will be doing his basic training which will need his full undivided attention, and doesn't fit well with a new relationship.

youd want your head testing to give up your well established life for something that will be stressful and disruptive to you and your child.

Don't feel flattered that you're the chosen one. He has absolutely nothing to lose.

you and your child have everything to lose if you give up everything you've worked to achieve to get involved with someone just starting their military career. He definitely saw you coming!

He sounds like a nut,off to a risky combat.role hmmm doest basic training happen first he's a Walter Mitty and this tale is taller than jack's beanstalk .

And I bet the unit he says he's joining is one of the special forces such as the SAS,SBS

he wouldn't be able to join Special Forces without already having been in the military, completed basic training as a regular and got experience. You're talking about the elite military here.

It would be like never having worked in a company before and strolling into a CEO role.

He told me straight away about his plans on the first date as he said he wanted to be honest with me. He'd only been accepted that day and the other mutual contacts didn't know at that point although they do now.

I wouldn't look to move so I guess it'd be long distance. But that's the part I'm unsure about and what that means in the long term. I guess I need to discuss it with him but feels so early.

I guess in my head this is all only ok if it's a relatively short period of time so I think I need to check what he has in mind for service period. As for us being well matched - I mean our background and interests are quite specific and both of us don't meet that many similar like minded people so I think that's why it feels like we bonded very quickly. I've been very supportive about him moving to the military as clearly he's very excited about it but actually I feel very sad he'll be moving away so soon and we've not had enough time to enjoy dating while living close by. Right now he lives round the corner pretty much.

At 35 he may not make it through training. He is very old for the Army.

I understand that completely but op is dealing with a Walter and she can't name the unit because it's outing,that's why I'm saying I'll bet he's told her special forces unit.

It's not the SAS. He does have a professional background on something specific which lends itself to the unit he would be joining. I'm not going to say though as it's too outing.

I should mention I live in an area where a lot of people are in the forces and personally work with lots of people who have been in the forces previously in my line of work, so it's not all completely alien. My previous line manager actually was in the SAS. I guess I could speak to some of them for their thoughts.