Was I wrong in this argument? I need outside perspective

[notaurewhatusername]

I came downstairs this morning and saw our baby in just a long-sleeve vest, no trousers. I asked my husband to please put trousers on him in the mornings. He said yes.

I then looked at the thermostat and said it was only 18 degrees (thinking that was the temperature shown). He went over and said it was actually 21 degrees. I got frustrated and said “I don’t give a fuck what temperature it is, can you just put trousers on him - you have trousers on and it’s not that warm.”

He responded by saying I’m either “stupid or a liar” for saying the thermostat was 18 degrees. I genuinely misread it by 3 degrees - I wasn’t lying.
We had a big argument. Later he said he’s nasty to me because I’m nasty to him first. He said he was “minding his own business” and I came in and interrupted his day. He also said he WANTS to hurt me when he says things like I’m stupid or a liar, because I hurt him first.

I keep thinking this is my fault - I shouldn’t have checked the thermostat after he said yes about the trousers. I shouldn’t have sworn. Maybe I provoked this?

Am I wrong here? We keep entering into this vicious cycle, he says I’m a bully and just want him to do as I say when it comes to looking after our son. I think my requests are basic parenting, he sees it as bullying?

Yes, you did provoke it. The conversation should have ended when he said yes.

@Chonkthank you. I needed that. Sounds like I have some work to do on myself. I will just add, I checked the thermostat because we often disagree about clothing layers and it’s usually what HE does to prove me wrong. Although I completely do accept your point I could have moved on after he said yes.

We are in a vicious cycle of what I feel is emotional and verbal abuse. I am constantly listening to podcasts and resources to try and fix things - he does nothing just thinks minding his business will stop the arguments. I see this as him trying to control and silence me. So in other words, if I don’t express dissatisfaction about anything our relationship will be just fine.

I am just very lost and confused. I often feel like videotaping our incidents and asking his and my family who’s to blame because we just cannot seem to resolve conflict.

Yes you probably should have left it after asking him to put trousers on, but it shouldn’t have descended into name calling. I’m guessing you’re probably both tired and adjusting to parenthood? Maybe a discussion about mutual respect and communication styles might be good, once you’ve both calmed down?

If the the room felt cold the it was reasonable to ask about the trousers. I don’t think you needed to make a point about checking the thermostat. He’d already agreed to put trousers on the baby so it comes across as trying to create an arguement/prove he’s a bad parent.

I think you were unnecessarily aggressive by swearing at him first and saying you don’t give a fuck about the temperature. If it’s not cold it’s no big deal for baby to be in just a long sleeve vest.

Sounds like you were in the wrong.

For fucks sake don't drag your families into playing judge and jury.

I don’t think trousers and room temperature are the real issue here.

The name calling happens because he said he wants to hurt me after I just hurt him by trying to bully him into putting trousers on the baby and getting angry. He said he intentionally wanted to hurt me by calling me stupid (it’s an ongoing area he often implies I’m stupid and over the years it’s something I’ve internalised. He knows I feel insecure about it but still uses it as a weapon on these arguments)

@Mum2Ferguscan you please expand?

Yes , you provoked it, and you shouldn’t have sworn at him. In my book, that’s aggressive behaviour.

@Whereismyfleeceblanketi didn’t mean it literally! Just using it to make the point that we are not able to resolve conflict, we have done marriage therapy, and he concluded afterwards he thinks everything I my fault!! I didn’t think that’s how the sessions went - so we are just polar opposites when it comes to communication etc. I don’t think therapy will work aga on because he isn’t willing to do it. Since first going I read both partners have to be willing to change otherwise it’s pointless. He thinks everything is my fault, maybe it is.

@GreyCloudsLoomingok thank you. Should I be undergoing therapy for anger management then perhaps?

When he says ‘yes’ does he actually folllow through though? Or is it just lip service? Are you in a pattern where you cannot trust him to follow through?

@Fiftyandmei probably should have put context in - yes that’s exactly why I used the thermostat to support the situation. He often says yes and then does not actually do what he agreed because deep down he didn’t agree. But he wanted an easy life so just agreed at the time

No, I think you should be getting your ducks in a row.

And marriage counselling concluded with him believing he’s perfect and you’re the problem?

@Fiftyandmethe tone he said it was as though he was half listening so I felt like he didn’t actually mean yes because I should also add in (quite important bit of into) it’s not the first time I’ve asked baby not to be on a bloody vest. 21 degrees is not THAT hot. And what annoyed me is DH was in t shirt and joggers then he said he would happily be in a vest and DS legs are well insulated (he has chunky legs). DS is 7 months

@barskitspleqse can you expand? I really need help. Leaving short comments like this isn’t helpful as I need to know what gives you this impression?

Well, do you normally get angry quickly? He shouldn’t have called you stupid or a liar either, so you’ve both got issues to work on.

@Fiftyandmeyou’ve got it. I have health issues and he always says that’s also the reason for all the problems. I sometimes say don’t really think you never are to blame for issues, he says I do sometimes but never actually pinpoints when, what etc. he rarely says sorry for anything. Always says it’s my health conditions that o blame, I’m bossy, aggressive, mental, crazy…

Are you aware of reactive abuse?

I don't want to give you a free pass if you are the initiator but at the same time, you're DH sounds nasty, controlling and abusive and I'm wondering if you could be reacting to his abuse.

https://www.verywellmind.com/reactive-abuse-signs-impact-and-tips-to-break-the-cycle-7567483

Is it the case that no matter how you try to express yourself (and have you really tried approaching gently, using I statements etc etc) he just bats you away and argues?

You’re with an emotionally abusive POS.

@GreyCloudsLoomingi do get angry quickly, admittedly. As you said he would NEVeR work on himself though - because ‘I started it’.