Was I wrong in this argument? I need outside perspective

[notaurewhatusername]

I came downstairs this morning and saw our baby in just a long-sleeve vest, no trousers. I asked my husband to please put trousers on him in the mornings. He said yes.

I then looked at the thermostat and said it was only 18 degrees (thinking that was the temperature shown). He went over and said it was actually 21 degrees. I got frustrated and said “I don’t give a fuck what temperature it is, can you just put trousers on him - you have trousers on and it’s not that warm.”

He responded by saying I’m either “stupid or a liar” for saying the thermostat was 18 degrees. I genuinely misread it by 3 degrees - I wasn’t lying.
We had a big argument. Later he said he’s nasty to me because I’m nasty to him first. He said he was “minding his own business” and I came in and interrupted his day. He also said he WANTS to hurt me when he says things like I’m stupid or a liar, because I hurt him first.

I keep thinking this is my fault - I shouldn’t have checked the thermostat after he said yes about the trousers. I shouldn’t have sworn. Maybe I provoked this?

Am I wrong here? We keep entering into this vicious cycle, he says I’m a bully and just want him to do as I say when it comes to looking after our son. I think my requests are basic parenting, he sees it as bullying?

I get the impression that she's in an abusive relationship and knows it deep down, but needs confirmation and validation to accept it, hence asking others to elaborate and make it clear cut.

He’s refusing to admit any part in it, and is saying it’s all down to you.

Like I said before, it’s going to take you both working on yourselves separately, and on the relationship together with patience, love and respect.

That’s not what he’s doing. He’s telling you “behave yourself for 3-4 weeks, then we’ll talk about it”.

Those smaller things? Him telling you he wants to hurt you, him calling you a bitch…and the other things you’ve highlighted in this thread.

He’s done a grand job blaming this all on you. He’s an arsehole.

I hadn't read the whole thread before commenting, but I've now seen that many others have pointed in out.

Op, he is emotionally abusing you and you are reacting to it. He's then gaslighting you to make you believe you're to blame.

Also, to all those posters hanging on about ‘just different parenting’ ….its yet another day watching a bunch of women excusing behaviour of fathers that wouldn’t cut the mustard if a woman was doing it. The blatant neglect of a child’s skin condition isn’t a subject to pint score over. It’s bloody shameful women are standing up for this kind of neglectful shit from a father.

For the love of God, end this relationship. This is insanity.

If you know it’s not fair or right then why are you doing it?

@ForZanyAquaVieweril trying to save it. I don’t like quitting until I’ve done everything I can. My son is so young I think it’s unfair not to try

I know you’re trying to save it, I’m asking why? I don’t like quitting until I’ve done everything I can is not a rational adult reason for staying in a shitty relationship with someone who makes you miserable.

Neither is your son being so young. If you end it now, he’ll never know any different. The two of you not being together will just be his normal. Do you think it’ll be easier when he’s two? Seven? Thirteen?! Obviously not.

So, why? This man isn’t willing to try anything or put himself out in any way, clearly doesn’t really give a shit about you or your relationship, and appears to be pretty unconcerned about his son’s general welfare. Yet you’re contorting yourself into shapes and determinedly clinging on as though your life depends on it. What for?

I understand you can’t see it, but you’re operating beyond what you can do…and in the not stop distant future, that’s going to become painfully obvious just about around the tie ou really start to break down at work ch point he’s going to start managing to convince professionals that you are a dangerously shit parent….

Well I'm sure there's hope for some men if they really want to improve knowing that what they're doing is not healthy.

My god, the therapy speak.

Having babies is hard. It’s hard on relationships. So hard. So much so that when we had our second, we made a pact that we wouldnt take personally any snide comments/snapping etc (within reason) that happened when we were both sleep deprived and overwhelmed.

It passes and it gets easier. Or, it won’t, and you’ll reach a different conclusion.

But it’s really not meant to be this difficult.

You might find this helpful.

But bear in mind he has said he WANTS TO HURT YOU with his comments.

https://www.loveontheautismspectrum.com/your-husband-with-autism/

Just reading this thread is exhausting.

@notaurewhatusername this is such a toxic dynamic. You need to leave.

You have got tunnel vision, constantly obsessing over the state of this relationship. Healthy relationships don’t look like this.

you really don’t see your the problem

Sometimes I think the ubiquity of abuse narratives is really unhelpful.

OP and her husband are definitely being colossal twats to each other but I don't see any evidence that either of them are abusive. Bad behaviour is not necessarily abusive behaviour. She's micromanaging and undermining; he's defensive and has checked out emotionally; both of them default to escalating conflict instead of resolving it. Unhealthy and toxic, certainly. But not abusive unless there's more we haven't been told.

They're in a particularly stressful time of life and this is the kind of thing that many couples can move on from and fix - but the will has to be there from both, and the overall compatibility, and I'm not seeing evidence of those things either. OP is determined to show that she's in the right every time and her husband's disengagement from her is the hardest thing to come back from.

You seem to want everything your way with parenting. If your partner doesnt agree then you get angry or call him abusive.

Have you agreed rules to arguing?

Myself and dh probably both nd with very different communication styles. We learned early on to set rules for arguments. No name calling, when he walks away I wont chase after him and will give him space but he will come back and speak to me within a minimum of 2 hours (dh shuts down). Both of us can call a time out and walk away.

We found communication by text useful as we can say what we want without the heat and gives us both time to process

This is THE BEST ADVICE on this thread and OP would do well to save it and refer back to it.

Her Husband is not an abuser for goodness sake, the amount of people on here urging the OP to lTB are horrendous...what do they get out of it I wonder?

OP I hope you can realise you both need to be partners in every sense of the word and leave the resentment at the door.
You don't need to "win"
Your Husband needs to see you less resentful and angry/shouting and trusting him to parent his child as any other adult Father and then he may (or may not) want to engage in the relationship with you again.

You having therapy for yourself is a good start and will be beneficial whatever happens to your marriage.
Resentment in a relationship is insidious though, once it's been allowed to get its roots in you have to be willing to drag them out and burn them and you are definitely both resentful of each others behaviour.

So fix yourself and then see how he responds to it. If he doesn't behave 100% better towards you then he becomes the problem and you can tell him to fix himself (or separate). That's literally all you can do - focus on being the best partner you can and hope he does the same. You can't make someone do or be something they don't want to, that's the definition of a controlling partner.

You do realise that the first person to be nasty and abusive is op not her dh. Her dh is just reacting to her aggression.

I have lived the life of the dh and because it isn’t what you choose to believe doesn’t mean I am wrong or clueless.

The problem is that when you are in the position of the dh you feel everything you do is wrong. If dh only spent 10 minutes in the bath with their dc it would be not enough time or he failed to wash dc or didn’t use the towel properly to dry dc. It will always be something wrong and eventually there will be times when you get screamed at for doing something and when you don’t do it the next time you get screamed at again for not doing it. Any minor thing that isn’t to the abusers liking sets them off.
The trouser issue in the opening post wasn’t about what temperature the room was at. As she couldn’t give a fuck about the temperature. She said so herself.

She came in the room, saw dc without trousers on and she wanted them on but when asking dh to put them on she accompanied it with a nasty comments and when dh didn’t answer in the way she wanted

all hell broke loose

You can’t do right for doing wrong and at that point you lose all your confidence as you are second guessing everything. You live your life trying to work out what this person wants and not getting it precisely right doing anything

I can see in a few years op being back wondering why she has to look after dc full time and complaining that her dh isn’t there to give her a break.
Because he has learned that he is going to be verbally abused, be sworn at and have nasty bullying comments made to him if he does something or doesn’t do something so he will stop doing anything. It’s what I did.

Why waste your time if the results are going to be the same.

I feel very sorry for this dc if dh ever leaves as without dh being there then he is in the line of fire with no protection

You have to stop shouting for a reasonable period of time as it has become learned behaviour and just because you don’t shout at one time because you decided you are going to try not to shout, you will still get the response from dh that you are still going to be aggressive towards him. You can’t expect change overnight

those people advising leaving are doing so from a point of experience, and knowing the more she shares about her H, the more that this is already unfixable.

If he refuses to make any changes, or make any compromises, and is blaming EVERYTHING on the OP, and she makes all the effort for therapy.. all that will happen is she will do better, but will still be meeting a defensive, reactive wall of a man who thinks he can do no wrong.

Been there, done that.. In the end i had to pull the plug because all we did was argue, and nothing i did was ever right, it didn't matter HOW i tried to address something with him, if i made any requests that were vaguely viewed by him as critical i was on the attack. I had enough of being viewed as the abuser while being gaslit by a narcissist twat who was trying to hurt me on purpose (he's admitted it since).
We co-parent better than we parented as a couple... largely because i have 90% of the residency and no longer have to deal with his crap.

The OP is heading for the same problems. She can't fix a marriage on her own.

I agree with this.

If they’re both being colossal twats to each other, then they both have work to do. But she’s the only one willing to take responsibility and work on themselves and the relationship.

"We co-parent better than we parented as a couple... largely because i have 90% of the residency and no longer have to deal with his crap."

This is always going to be subjective though isn't it?
Presumably your ex says the same thing about you, he parents better because he is away from you🤔

The thing is BOTH of you, once parents, have to leave the old ego at the door and remember why you actually produced a new life in the first place.

If you have two adults that want things done my way or the highway, can't compromise or see the bigger picture, insist on being right then retreat into resentments when the other person doesn't agree its a recipe for disaster.
Some people are definitely better off on their own domestically so they can run things how they chose without having to take somebody else's veiws into consideration.
Ideally this should be recognised before you choose to have children with someone because having a child requires egos parked at the door and monumental patience, compromise, teamwork and cooperation.
It's realising you are not right all the time, the other parent has valid equal say in parenting and meeting each other half way.
After all you were supposed to love each other not long ago when you both made that baby!

Absolutely it should be recognised before you have kids, obviously... but it isn't that black and white.

There are nuances to what happened to me that likely aren't present with the OP.

What i can see that is scarily similar is her H's complete denial that he needs to do any work on himself.

The OP will have to compromise, and keep compromising until there is nothing left of herself other than something that isn't her, but a creation that exists on eggshells to avoid an argument, but is still getting yelled at for breathing in his direction in the wrong way.

I also think @notaurewhatusername is struggling with having wanted a baby for ages and now how to parent and is very much it has to be a certain way - by a book so to speak. He has dry patches on his arms so he has eczema and skin issues and can’t be in the bath too long, he has to always be in a vest and trousers - she is anxious and has a need to control in order to get through it - parenting very much has to be her way and that isn’t healthy either

that said neither is he and unless they both commit to changing responses to each other and working together and the part they play it isn’t going to work

but co-parenting will be tricky here I think given the divide in parenting attitudes