Was I wrong in this argument? I need outside perspective

[notaurewhatusername]

I came downstairs this morning and saw our baby in just a long-sleeve vest, no trousers. I asked my husband to please put trousers on him in the mornings. He said yes.

I then looked at the thermostat and said it was only 18 degrees (thinking that was the temperature shown). He went over and said it was actually 21 degrees. I got frustrated and said “I don’t give a fuck what temperature it is, can you just put trousers on him - you have trousers on and it’s not that warm.”

He responded by saying I’m either “stupid or a liar” for saying the thermostat was 18 degrees. I genuinely misread it by 3 degrees - I wasn’t lying.
We had a big argument. Later he said he’s nasty to me because I’m nasty to him first. He said he was “minding his own business” and I came in and interrupted his day. He also said he WANTS to hurt me when he says things like I’m stupid or a liar, because I hurt him first.

I keep thinking this is my fault - I shouldn’t have checked the thermostat after he said yes about the trousers. I shouldn’t have sworn. Maybe I provoked this?

Am I wrong here? We keep entering into this vicious cycle, he says I’m a bully and just want him to do as I say when it comes to looking after our son. I think my requests are basic parenting, he sees it as bullying?

When you feel the urge to criticise him, attack him, belittle him, swear at him, leave the room, walk away, control yourself to not do it.

So he does that in retaliation to you starting something? I don’t agree with name calling but also if you don’t provoke him there’s no argument. You asked him to put trousers on and he said yes, that should have been the end of it but instead you then went to check the thermostat and carry it on. You were in the wrong here

Stop micromanaging you husband’s parenting. If he doesn’t think his child needs trousers, leave him be. The baby will let him know if he is cold. If he is feeding the baby too fast, the baby will refuse to eat. My nephew is in this position where his partner is second guessing everything he does with his son. He’s feeling like he’s an idiot and she doesn’t trust him to keep his son safe. He’s thinking of leaving her because he just can’t deal with the arguments it leads to.

Your partner deserves to be allowed to be a father. Your way isn’t the only way.

The examples you’ve given are both just parenting choices. He’s a dad wanting to be involved and it sounds like you’re constantly criticising. Before you intervene next time, ask yourself is what he’s doing dangerous, and if the answer is no - leave him to it. People parent differently and there is no “right” way.

He might be the problem, you might the problem, neither of you might be the problem and it’s the two of you together that’s the problem, or you’re both the problem. But stop trying to apportion blame and look at what you can change to get the outcome you want, and then decide if you want to make those changes. If you don’t (because you feel silenced), then leave. If you do, make the changes and see what happens - and keep appraising the situation that way.

You can’t make anyone else change.

OP I would agree that the particular podcasts you are listening too don’t sound helpful, but I wonder if you have ever looked at completing the freedom course? You can do it online.

I think you could improve your communication, but I’m certain your DH is not blameless and is possibly abusive and controlling.

I also agree to move this thread to relationships.

@CarefulN0wthank you, I am going to enrol on the freedom course. I just googled it and it looks helpful

You are in an unhappy relationship, and from what you've said, I can't help thinking that maybe it has gone beyond the point of being fixable.

Sorry.

You’re very determined to paint him as the bad guy here. Based on the two examples you gave, you swore and belittled him first, and micromanaged his parenting.

He reacted to your poor communication.

Perhaps he is an abusive partner and you are now reacting to years of abuse, but I don’t see that in the examples you gave. You started it, both times.

In this case it seems if you came downstairs and decided it was "your way". Parenting rules will differ and should be agreed not dictated.

21c is not freezing and will not harm a baby and recent healthcare is to avoid overheating.

Your tone might be a factor, especially if you walk into a room and announce he is doing something wrong. Consider of you have a harsh start up. He pointed out you misread the temperature, you could have had "oops, sorry but I just like our baby to be cozy". Instead you swore at him. No good can come from this.

I think maybe ask yourself why you felt triggered by the thermostat disagreement? Is there something that happened in your past that made you feel undermined and small that means you’re lashing out when it happens now?

Regardless, emotional regulation is what you’ll want to look at. DBT therapy is the gold standard for that (often floated as a therapy for eupd, but don’t let that put you off). Do you have Pinterest? There are some great infographics if you search DBT tools on there. Or look for a DBT skills workbook online.

You and your partner are reacting to and triggering each other, so it doesn’t matter how much work you do on yourself, if he doesn’t also work on himself, there will be an issue still remaining.

Can I also say you’re incredibly brave to own up to you being an issue here and actively seek to improve yourself.

I do think in that particular example you provoked the argument. However it takes two people to argue. It can’t always be all your fault. I’m sure sometimes he provokes you.

One thing is that as mothers we’re expected to be the main parent and that sometimes makes us dismissive of the other parent’s capabilities. Some times that can come across as criticism which is how I think your partner felt when you told him to put trousers on the baby.

Take it easy on yourself and them. If this is your first baby it’s completely natural to be overbearing. We all were, it gets easier. Just try to see it from each other’s point of view.

It does sound good that you’re communicating reasonably effectively by explaining to each other why you’re behaving the way you are.

Relationships are tough, parenting is tough, just keep at it. You’ll get there.

First example, If I came downstairs and felt it was cold and saw the baby in a long sleeved vest I might have said ‘It feels a bit chilly to be in a vest I’ll pop and get some pants for baby’. It’s a nothing event.
Second example you thought he was feeding baby fast so you wanted it your way. Even though he thought he wasn’t you going fast and I’m assuming baby was managing.

Swearing at your partner is unacceptable. If my husband done what you have described I would be planning to leave. I couldn’t live like that.

Keep away from the marriage podcasts etc

Huh? There is nothing here to suggest this man is abusive and controlling. The ops behaviour would indicate she is, he is standing up for himself. I understand fully it’s hard to comprehend when it’s a woman doing it, but nothing she has written says this man is abusive or controlling.

It sounds as if your husband will always be asking himself “oh god, now what will she say I’m doing wrong”

feeding the baby too quickly
not having the baby in trousers in 21’ temperatures.

It seems as if you find anything you can to have a go at him for. Be better. Do better.

This 👆 I don’t think you like each other very much. I’d be preparing.
Has the relationship always been confrontational? It appears there’s no respect, it’s tit for tat / point scoring. Childish.

But you didn’t have to do the thermostat thing to make your point to “pleeeease dress the baby cos it’s chilly” and leave it at that.
Unless the dynamics change this relationship will not last.

A seven month old baby should be kept in a room from 16-20 degrees, so if the room was 21, then your husband was in the right, it was too hot for the child. And I am unsure how you misread 21 for 18, but 18 would have been a better temp.

I think you are both in the wrong and need couples therapy

This sounds like a really unhappy relationship now. I don’t think it even matters whose fault it is at this stage, it might be best to just cut your losses to be honest.

What was he like at the start? Has it always been like this between you, or did things change after you got married or had the baby?

To get angry when asking a parent to put some trousers on the baby is excessive. Why not just talk in a normal voice and request calmly once you notice that the baby might be cold?

Do you think you could benefit by practicing expressing your opinion in a respectful and measured way?
Do you think you could start a trend where by you both speak softly, smile and happily exchange views?
It will take some weeks to change. Resolve to start again every morning until success is influencing your home in a positive way.

This
weird how some posters (and the op) are determined he’s at fault…

Why did you start an argument about trousers for a baby. The thermostat is immaterial: was it cold enough for trousers or not?

You both sound awful and it is a bad environment for a child to be in.

What does hurt you mean? Batter you?

Both of you seem trapped in an unhealthy dynamic of brinkmanship and point scoring.

From what you have said so far, I get the impression that you thought the baby not having trousers on and being fed too fast were so bad as to be evidence of his … what? Carelessness? Thoughtlessness? But really it’s evidence that he didn’t do it the way you would have and you see that as a micro aggression. You are not the boss of the baby. And trust me when I say that if you make yourself the baby ‘expert’ then he will be disempowered and disengaged and then you’ll be left doing everything because ..‘I never do it right’.

Could you have a bit of post baby anxiety? Mine manifested in a horrible need to control the household. It led to burnout as I couldn’t trust anyone to do it ‘properly’.

You are very fixed on who is right and who is wrong - the very impulse to need an external adjudicator in the family to take sides is so childish.
The argument you have written is your child ego talking here: you are expressing a need to be taken care of and he isn’t meeting it as you haven’t expressed it to him.

What a mad question. Do you think she battered him? Clearly it means mentally wound, not physically attack.

whats wrong with posters desperately trying to make this the man’s fault or even jumping to mad conclusions he wants to assault her.

Why didn't you just dress your child?