Was I wrong in this argument? I need outside perspective

[notaurewhatusername]

I came downstairs this morning and saw our baby in just a long-sleeve vest, no trousers. I asked my husband to please put trousers on him in the mornings. He said yes.

I then looked at the thermostat and said it was only 18 degrees (thinking that was the temperature shown). He went over and said it was actually 21 degrees. I got frustrated and said “I don’t give a fuck what temperature it is, can you just put trousers on him - you have trousers on and it’s not that warm.”

He responded by saying I’m either “stupid or a liar” for saying the thermostat was 18 degrees. I genuinely misread it by 3 degrees - I wasn’t lying.
We had a big argument. Later he said he’s nasty to me because I’m nasty to him first. He said he was “minding his own business” and I came in and interrupted his day. He also said he WANTS to hurt me when he says things like I’m stupid or a liar, because I hurt him first.

I keep thinking this is my fault - I shouldn’t have checked the thermostat after he said yes about the trousers. I shouldn’t have sworn. Maybe I provoked this?

Am I wrong here? We keep entering into this vicious cycle, he says I’m a bully and just want him to do as I say when it comes to looking after our son. I think my requests are basic parenting, he sees it as bullying?

You’re still doing it, you’re continuing to post examples of where you feel he did wrong in an attempt to get people to say he’s the issue , I am unsure the relationship can survive, I’m sorry,. If he didn’t know why you were behaving badly, why on earth would you want an apology from him, all he could see was the poor behaviour at the time. It feels like you’ve a reason for all your bad behaviour and expect him never to retaliate, to grovel and do as he’s told to appease you. That’s not how relationships work.

im sorry but at this point, I do think you’re better apart, and if the genders were reversed people would be telling you to leave as it was abuse.

Your doing this thing where you say something and he responds and then you add an unnecessary negative comment

Then when he responds to call out your extra comment you make out he was the one to start it.

You do realise that the verbal and emotional abuse is coming from you and him trying to silence you is because he doesn’t see the necessity to the nasty comments that accompany any interaction

Any podcast that is to help the victim of abuse isn’t going to do any good. You first need to take on board that you are the abuser so the freedom programme is not going f to work.
You need anger management therapy and podcasts to help the abuser to overcome this need to abuse

If you thought it was cold and baby needed trousers then why not do it yourself. Why feel the need to instruct

why didnt you just g et the trousers instead of ruffling his feathers?

try being nice to each other, particularly as you have a family together

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1684034582/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=2FJFWX5V0HO0L&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.NWIyFUbqerTS85BIf6F6GL6Y93td2-cgg0eOuNHiDUDkrGS5sAzhXMXYUB7aPN6A0q6Bs48BKSW2YkSk8MttmgO5Z5Tt1e7R_cE7rEB5OmmgbgdSV5B5zc6iEREb-dz0ZDPjXjssyomnsmsweh1IyUfRkz4LwNTMmgqip3rynxEaQ9nII46fCaJ3rsU9WZNpGFvPkvQhXAYJdngOdMRv6g.0fssIPCyQZk4-5KyM_8kFXcnnM7-MUjzp1uDBBX9O2k&dib_tag=se&keywords=dbt+workbook&qid=1762692929&sprefix=dbt+%2Caps%2C135&sr=8-3

This is a really good book which may help.

OP, I’m really hearing a desperation in your posts that you want to fix yourself, but I really want to re-iterate that unless your partner does too, then it won’t work. You fixing yourself won’t fix your relationship. Ideally, you and your partner accept there is an issue with you both and you work separately and together with patience, communication and respect. It doesn’t sound to me like that is going to happen.

But having good emotional regulation skills will help you generally in life, and more importantly to be a better parent. There will be plenty of times in the future where your little boy tests you and pushes your boundaries. Do the work for you and for him and your future. Not out of desperation to fix you relationship.

Maybe I’m the abuser then. Fair enough. I have therapy booked tomorrow just for me. Hopefully that will help further because I can’t really fix this alone. I just can’t fully understand how to fix all of these issues including the ones I bring to the table.

In 30 years time, would you want your son to speak to his wife like that?

Probably not.

You didn't react well and need to work on ways to deal with minor frustrations more easily. Save the battles for MUCH bigger things.

I think you’re projecting and your anger is clear to see. The room was 21 degrees, it was too hot for a baby and he was right to have the baby dressed as they were, and he didn’t deserve being told she didn’t give a fuck what the temp was when he’d already agreed to put trousers on to appease her.

@FlyingUnicornWingsyou're right I’m at the end of my tether. It’s making me ill. I can’t cope with it all. It’s so sad

no-one is saying it's all you, it probably is him too, but you can't fix him, you can only work on you.

It's good to acknowledge where you can make changes, but don't take all the blame for every problem on your shoulders. It takes two people to argue.

Abusers never ever ever question themselves or give a shit about the impact of their behaviour

I hear that, I can sense your desperation.

I think you need to pause and take a breath. Nobody here on this thread will be able to help you more than your therapist. The answers won’t magically appear in a puff of smoke in front of you.

Healing takes time, and it’s messy and it hurts so so much. But the good thing is, you’re willing to acknowledge there are negative behaviours you need to address, and are looking for answers. I just think you need to slow down and understand those answers won’t appear out of thin air and there going to take time and commitment from you.

Do it for yourself and your little boy, and please try and come to terms with the fact your relationship is toxic and likely won’t survive. Do the work anyway, I promise you your life will benefit from it - and so will your baby’s.

you're not listening to anyone.

Stop trying to micromanage how he interacts with your child. It is his child too

Both of you need to work on your communication. You indicated that he may be ND, but what about you?

Agree with this.

if what is something so trivial has blown into a major argument there is something else bubbling under the surface ☹️

This relationship is over. It won’t get better. The subject of the arguments will change but there will still be arguments. You are happy to accept some of your behaviours need to change and you are willing to seek the help and advice to be in a healthier relationship. Your dh is not willing to do that therefore your relationship is doomed.

Ok I have read the rest of your posts now. Poor empathy, rigid thinking, strong belief he is always right, always laying the blame for his own emotions of behaviour on others. These are typical behaviours of men with certain autistic expressions., I think you should consider this as a possible explanation for his behaviour. I don't say this to make you feel sympathetic but to make you aware he will never change. He can't, Any modifications he could make would be small, likely temporary and would require huge motivation from him and likely with huge amounts of professional support.

It breaks my heart to hear how you are trying and trying to find ways to fix things. I used to be like you. If only I could find the right way to communicate, the right way to speak to him, if only, if only, if only, then I can fix things.

You think you can fix things because, ,on the surface, things seem quite easy to fix, But they aren't if you are dealing with someone with a cognitive deficit they have no control over and little or no awareness of.

If things have been worse since having kids, this is a typical feature of autistic men. They aren't able to meet the additional demands placed on them by family life. Its then that their autistic mindset and behaviours really come to the fore.

I realise this is not true of all autistic men, but for the ones with the autistic expressions OP is describing, these patterns are common on support groups for wives of autistic men.

My honest heartfelt advice to you is to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Whether he is autistic or not, his behaviour and way of thinking is far beyond acceptable, and its clear it will never change as he has no motivation to change. Things will get worse not better. Get out.

Yes, you can clean up your side of the street, but YOUR side ONLY: I urge you not to try so much that you become erased, like your MIL. He needs to own that he is a significant problem in the marriage, but it doesn't sound like he's capable of that insight.

Frankly, I think your anger was a case of reactive abuse in response to someone who has LITERALLY told you he wants to hurt you:

"He said he intentionally wanted to hurt me by calling me stupid"

Reactive abuse isn't a good response and I am sure you can quickly learn to control it, now that you know what it is.

But you can't be married who literally admits to wanting to hurt you. This is a guy who shouldn't be married.

You are right, Wanting to hurt your spouse, never accepting blame and blaming your spouse for your own emotional responses are all normal, and telling women experiencing these behaviours from spouses that is their fault for saying ' its 18 degrees' is totally appropriate.

I see the error my ways now. 🙄

What you call projection is actually experience and knowledge.

Such men tend to be abusive and are not snyw

You’re not the only one sitting here with your jaw on the floor at some of the responses.

ive spent over 20 years in domestic abuse - it’s really clear who the aggressor is here, and it’s not her.

Anywhere on any autistic spectrum. Too many women tied themselves up pretzel like trying to understand such men when these men are abusive towards them do are really not worth bothering about.

Narcissistic people have no empathy for others.

You both sound as bad as each other.

How about suggesting to him you have a day where you ONLY say positive things to each other.
Me and DH have been exhausted with babies and it's easy to get into a negative spiral. It does get easier when they start talking and can tell you if they're cold / not hungry whatever

Instead of asking for an apology from your DH for when you were ill, try explaining how hurt you were that he was unsupportive. Say it calmly and simply without expecting an immediate response.

I'd also openly say to him, that you are finding your marriage hard but you'd like to improve things without placing any blame.
See how he reacts.
Ultimately you both need to work on it.

@LeavesOnTreesone time I suggested having a Sunday evening to discuss things that bothered us in the week but to not make it negative also say what was good about what the other did,

je said talking about the good things is patronising!!! I explained it isn’t because it means if we know what the other person appreciates we can do more of it!!!

well, we didn’t talk about the good and only the bad and guess what? They ended up becoming rows and after three Sundays we had to stop doing it

I also think you both sound as bad as each other. In fact, this sounds very similar to my parents' god awful marriage. Fifty fucking years of misery and daily conflict or weaponised silence. OP, speaking as the child of such a relationship I urge you not to inflict years of this on your son.

Ignore the other stupid replies blaming you!! HE is the one who is domestically abusive and by saying and making you feel everything is your fault THIS is one of the major red flags for domestic abuse!!! Please contact women’s aid for advice and read up on what domestic abuse is - put in some of the things he says to you - wanting to hurt you?!?! That is so far off normal!! You need to leave or get him out if it’s your house and take your child away from him and contact the police for advice too