Was I wrong in this argument? I need outside perspective

[notaurewhatusername]

I came downstairs this morning and saw our baby in just a long-sleeve vest, no trousers. I asked my husband to please put trousers on him in the mornings. He said yes.

I then looked at the thermostat and said it was only 18 degrees (thinking that was the temperature shown). He went over and said it was actually 21 degrees. I got frustrated and said “I don’t give a fuck what temperature it is, can you just put trousers on him - you have trousers on and it’s not that warm.”

He responded by saying I’m either “stupid or a liar” for saying the thermostat was 18 degrees. I genuinely misread it by 3 degrees - I wasn’t lying.
We had a big argument. Later he said he’s nasty to me because I’m nasty to him first. He said he was “minding his own business” and I came in and interrupted his day. He also said he WANTS to hurt me when he says things like I’m stupid or a liar, because I hurt him first.

I keep thinking this is my fault - I shouldn’t have checked the thermostat after he said yes about the trousers. I shouldn’t have sworn. Maybe I provoked this?

Am I wrong here? We keep entering into this vicious cycle, he says I’m a bully and just want him to do as I say when it comes to looking after our son. I think my requests are basic parenting, he sees it as bullying?

The relationship between you 2 sounds toxic (he sounds belittling and abusive, you sound like you don't trust him and are defensive). It's a common dynamic for mothers to be more anxious and cautious and worry, and for fathers to be a bit more laisser faire, less preventative and less risk adverse (not saying that's always the case but it is common). The name calling and big rows aren't healthy at all.
Also, on the temperature thing, we know babies can't regulate their body temp very well, so they get cold quicker than us, and hot quicker than us. So unless your partner felt comfortable walking around without trousers on and just a long sleeve top, then he should have recognised your baby also needed bottoms on. 🙄🙄🙄

I wouldn’t necessarily start with anger management, but what I might recommend is to look at your communication. It’s so easy in the weeds of parenting to react and lash out when you are pissed off. (Been there, trust me). The route out though is to learn to ask for what you want to happen and what will meet your babies needs, not to criticise the other parent. I’m not saying it’s easy and crucially I’m almost certain this is a both of you problem, but if you can learn to do it, it will take away a lot of the destructive emotions. It will also help to learn this now as it’s also a good approach to stubborn toddlers.

Yes maybe you should. It might be enlightening.
Stop point scoring.

Pick your battles. You should have just moved on when he agreed to put baby’s trousers on.

Did you have to fight through or for a lot when you were a child? Don’t even think about bringing your families into this.

What was the outcome of marriage counselling?. It was never going to work because abuse is not a relationship issue. It's about power and control and this man wants absolute here. Look at his parents OP - what are they like?.

You and he need to be apart. This is no ideal environment for your son to be raised in.

@notaurewhatusername one thing that does come across though is you cannot cope with or stand for a short response. Everytime a poster has said a one sentence response you immediately go - I need more information/what do you mean/can you explain more.

Which is either a response to his communication or the cause but certainly is I suspect a big issue here because if you are constantly asking him to expand upon what he has said it so draining

@Fiftyandmeexqctly that.

another example…

DH yesterday was feeding our 6-month-old and seemed to be going quite fast like giving him spoons writhing 5 seconds of each other fast. I didn’t want to criticise him, so I calmly said “Shall I do it?”

He responded: “Why, I’m not doing it right?”
I tried to explain gently: “You’re going fast, so I thought maybe you’re in a hurry and I’m not, so I’ll do it.”

He got defensive. Today during our argument, he brought this up as an example of me being controlling and not letting him parent.

If you can control yourself around other people then you do not need anger management. AM courses are also no answer to domestic abuse.

@AttilaTheMeerkati know counselling wasn’t going to work now, but then I didn’t realise both parties need to be willing and there has to be no abuse present. The counselling ended with him saying he felt bad each week that he was just highlighting my shortfalls and making me look bad??? I didn’t see it like this at all. I got the impression counsellor felt a bit sorry for me because he had such rigid thinking

his parents I can see there is control and power - his dad has it. For example, his mom does things behind father’s back (kind gestures) because she doesn’t want to start arguments. She is very different to me, very soft etc. im
Not this way I was taught to stand up for myself.

his dad doesn’t come off abusive at all, but he has definitely silenced his mom from what I can see

Yes I also think you were aggressive here and it’s clear from your responses on here you really want people to say he’s the issue. Even in your second example you were the issue. Stop with all the podcasts and therapy talk etc and just try to treat your husband as you’d wish to be treated,

@AttilaTheMeerkatits true, I can control myself around others as can he. The issue is with each other mainly we blow up but I want to fix things. I spend hours watching stuff and listening to podcasts about marriage, I do my own counselling and it seems he doesn’t see he is the issue and isn’t putting in the same work.

Why did you have to swear and sound so aggressive me and DH have been together for over 40 years we have never sworn at each other.

@Frenchfrychicok, thank you. I will conclude then these things are my fault and it probably is me that mainly need to do the work

Ok you’re clearly not going to back off with wanting people to say it’s him. I’m not sure this can be resolved as you come across as you dislike him intently.

@Iloveeverycati
. Maybe it’s me with the problem.

I’m not sure you really see that to be honest. I’m not saying he doesn’t need work, but you are the aggressor and you are doing it on here too.

@Frenchfrychici don’t dislike him intently. Believe it or not I do love him. I’m just explaining what’s going on here

I think you were wrong this time. Please don’t start dragging your families into it.
Sounds like you can’t even communicate in a basic level.
You need some couples therapy, what was it like before the baby ?

Was there anything that prevented you from putting trousers on the baby?

@Frenchfrychicits the reason I asked for peoples opinions. Genuinely, please do let me know what you think I should do. Go to therapy for myself? Work on being less aggressive? I am trying to fix my marriage - genuinely

OP - I strongly suggest you ask MNHQ to move this to the relationships board

Stop listening to these podcasts and videos. Just try it for a week. You’re flooding yourself with ideas that are not helpful. If these podcasts were useful the problems would be going but they’re not. They’re getting worse. You need to trust your partner to look after your son the way he chooses. You interfering would wind anyone up

Op also don’t video tape your arguments and show them to family that’s a level of abuse that’s unacceptable.

@Fiftyandmei thought this was the relationships board? If not can this please be moved?

@Frenchfrychicinwoildnt do that. Genuinely, I said I FEEL like doing that! Because we cannot seem to resolve conflict ever

It is, I thought I was still in AIBU.