Unkind husband, frigid wife

[Wherewhenhow]

I’m not sure how I’ve ended up here. Affair with my colleague. My husband isn’t kind to me and his wife isn’t intimate with him. I know this is a line for unfaithful men to use, but my area of expertise is focussed on determining honesty, I believe him. I’m in this situation because he makes me feel beautiful sexy funny clever: all things my husband actively doesn’t do. For him, I give him warmth, affirmation and sexual intimacy.

I’m not leaving my marriage yet, because I need to clock in another 5-10 years till our children are older. He’s not leaving his marriage because he magically hopes it will improve. In that way, we well matched.

I need to disconnect though, I’m not sure how. The chemistry is electric, I’ve never experienced this before. I would like a future with him, but it’s not possible.

I know I need to go cold turkey. I know there will be out roar from wives who have been betrayed. I don’t think about his wife. I’m not married to her, my marriage vows were to my husband and hasn’t upheld his either.

Has anyone made this disconnect from an affair partner? I want to step away. I’m trying to manage my diary to not coincide with his. Thank you

Has the site been overtaken by bots?

No, I’m a bit tipsy, but 100% human and trying to stay unemotional

Wow

Leave your husband. You aren't doing your children any favours by raising them in a hostile marriage. Don't think they don't know.

Who says his dw doesn't put out? Him?

5-10 years of lying and pretending? Good luck with that.

Frigid seems such a nasty phase! You don’t know if it’s true, it’s what he is saying and if she is lacking in intimacy, I suspect there are many reasons why. Do they have children? It sounds as though you are more invested in him, but regardless what a mess and ticking time bomb on two families.

You know that men who cheat on their wives are liars, so why on earth do you think he’s telling you the truth? If you’re unhappy in your marriage, do something about it. Frigid is a fucking nasty word and you don’t get to say that about a woman whose husband you’re fucking to make yourself feel better.

It’s his phrase, not mine. No, they don’t have DC. I have two. He could be lying, I don’t think so. I also appreciate it’s a tale as old as time. I’d like to disconnect. I don’t need people telling me I’m awful. Hopefully there are a few people on here with practical advice. Thank you

I know this is a line for unfaithful men to use, but my area of expertise is focussed on determining honesty, I believe him.

Oh dear! 🤣🤣

Even if you were a high court judge, that still sounds ridiculous.

You don't care about his wife and his family, fair enough. But you are risking destroying your own. Putting your own selfish shallow needs before your family. Gross.

Why do you need the affair to end? You are happy, AP is happy, kids are happy, and your unkind dh presumably isn’t someone you care about too much since you’re cheating.

If you think you need to go “cold turkey” on the affair in order to muscle through 5-10 more years of marriage, then consider how hard that will be. You found someone who treats you better than your dh so why would cutting off the affair suddenly make it possible to put up with your horrible dh? You’ll just feel awful.

If you think you need to end the affair because cheating is immoral and you feel bad about it - same problem. You’ll be stuck back in your awful marriage, full of resentment towards dh and grief over your affair.

You are going to have a truly awful few years, I think.

Honestly you will fail to go cold turkey unless your leave your job and block your AP.

You have created a situation where you will experience real heartbreak, however this pans out.

Disconnect? Stop fucking him. Its that simple. The more you do it the more you'll feel connected. There's no other practical advice to be had.

Okay - I'll be practical. Get a different job and stop seeing your bit on the side.

Sleezy. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I don’t understand the staying another 5-10 years for the children if you are risking it all for some attention and sex? It doesn’t make you a good parent just because you stay and fuck around.

Bingo. He’s more junior. I am very attracted to him. He’s a decade younger. I won’t jeopardise my career. That’s the crux of it. The affair has to end. It never should have happened. I take responsibility, my hormones are all over the place. I’ve started HRT, I’ve had two sessions with a therapist. I am trying to be a better person.

My ex husband probably told his affair partner I was frigid. We certainly weren't having much in the way of sex, but that was because I was carrying all the mental load, he had no interest in me or my happiness, never prioritised me doing anything I wanted to do and anything that dared require any iota of effort on his part, like looking after his own children for a couple of hours, was considered an effort and something he expected to be rewarded for with sexual favours.

I'm sure he made his new squeeze sexy and wanted and magical and all of those things and told her I was the problem, rest assured, much like your husband, there was very little of that going on to fuel sexual intimacy in our relationship either, so he decided to go and cheat.

I can also guarantee even if your children are young enough now not to notice your marriage in unhappy, they certainly will within the next 5-10 years. My friends parents held on until she and her brother were at uni and she has said on hindsight she wished they had done it years earlier.

So he has no intention or desire to leave his wife for you, even if you wanted to, he’s just shagging you because his wife won’t, that’s not ‘electric’, it’s grubby and honestly it’s all you deserve. Your children deserve far more than being stuck in this shit upbringing though with a mum sleeping around and a dad being horrible to mum. Whatever you do use them as your motivation to do better and try harder in your own life, if you give yourself a shot at being happy it’s better for your kids also. That fact that you aren’t married to his wife doesn’t give you a green light to be a crappy person.

A man who calls his wife frigid is never a catch.
It was a favourite expression of Jimmy Savile's for anyone who rejected him. Just grim, really really grim.

I can’t be a different job, but I won’t risk my career, it’s a new affair. I need to disconnect and quickly. I somehow need to make my heart listen to my brain!!

You’ve got young DC, time for a job and an affair and you’re tipsy before 7?

When mine were young I didn’t even have time for a moment of sanity at this time of might never mind a and MN.

It's desperately sad that your career is a higher priority than your family.

The fact that you would repeat the "frigid" accusation. Truly disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself

Grow up. Go cold turkey. Stop being pathetic and needy

@Wherewhenhow

No judgement from me. Life is complicated and is often not black/white.
On a practical level - how old are your children? And - how bad is it with your H?

I am divorced. At some point, I was also like you - waiting until kids were grown up and out of the house, ideally, to leave my exH who was a difficult man. Good provider, but not a good partner/husband. I thought I could last the time needed, but he became progressively nastier to me, and eventually kids started noticing. In the end, another event made me pull the plug, and we divorced when kids were finishing primary/in secondary.
Now they are teens - and both say we should have divorced earlier. Separated - we are better parents to them. They adjusted to two houses living and see us happier, which makes their lives better as well.

So, what I am trying to say - separately to the issue of the work affair, do look at your marriage, kids, finances, etc - and think if waiting is really in the best interests of your kids and YOU. The older they get - the more they notice and understand that things are not quite right in their parents' relationship. And if they don't see a healthy/normal relationship at home - they may end up in similar relationships when they grow up.

As to the man in question - I think I'd continue for a bit as it does seem to give you a way to deal with your home life. Try to control your feelings and not dream about the future with him?
Ending an affair while still working together is not easy - it creates drama and upset. If you can't control your feelings and definitely intent on ending it - can you try to change jobs - either a fully new job or another position in the same company, but at a different location?