Unkind husband, frigid wife

[Wherewhenhow]

I’m not sure how I’ve ended up here. Affair with my colleague. My husband isn’t kind to me and his wife isn’t intimate with him. I know this is a line for unfaithful men to use, but my area of expertise is focussed on determining honesty, I believe him. I’m in this situation because he makes me feel beautiful sexy funny clever: all things my husband actively doesn’t do. For him, I give him warmth, affirmation and sexual intimacy.

I’m not leaving my marriage yet, because I need to clock in another 5-10 years till our children are older. He’s not leaving his marriage because he magically hopes it will improve. In that way, we well matched.

I need to disconnect though, I’m not sure how. The chemistry is electric, I’ve never experienced this before. I would like a future with him, but it’s not possible.

I know I need to go cold turkey. I know there will be out roar from wives who have been betrayed. I don’t think about his wife. I’m not married to her, my marriage vows were to my husband and hasn’t upheld his either.

Has anyone made this disconnect from an affair partner? I want to step away. I’m trying to manage my diary to not coincide with his. Thank you

my area of expertise is focussed on determining honesty

Well you’re not very good at it! I suggest you get a new job.

Marriages do not magically heal, it takes work and effort and alot of talking to make a marriage work. The two people must see it as more than skin deep or qualities which gain our interest.

You are right.
Our kids did suffer during the affair in a home that did not feel much like a home.

At the time none of us knew why. I had got to the point of "is it me, should I just leave and then everyone can be happy again"

Our youngest was not doing well at school. Really anxious and hard work to even get through the gates in the morning.

We chose reconciliation. Through a lot of work from both of us and my wifes epiphany moment of what have I done. We are actually doing really well now. We hug and kiss every single day. We hold hands as we walk. We laugh a lot even when doing really boring things like emptying the dishwasher. And we talk a lot and openly about everything.

Our youngest has had a complete change in everything. Skips to school in the morning and smiles pretty much all the time. All traces of anxiety have disappeared.

Even our teanager who by deduction figured out what was going on. Is happier and far more settled. And their relationship with their mum has gotten so much better since.

Its hard to see the impact on the kids it is having during. Its only really after when you look back that you realise how much they pick up on and react to.

There's a lot of hate on here and understandably so, but we are all fallible and these types of situations are not uncommon. I agree with previous PPs - if he has no DC then there's really no reason for him to stay with his wife unless he actually wants to (which he clearly does). But I understand how difficult it is to reconcile that with how someone is when you're with them and how they make you feel. You'll never know the reality of his situation but you do know the reality of yours and if it is worth working on it not, so take him out of the equation and focus on that. Plenty of people split these days and the kids are fine if it's done in an amicable way. If anything it can be harder to deal with when they're older. And when you feel weak (which you will, I've been there) re-read this thread and remind yourself that, ultimately, you are nothing to your AP in the grand scheme of his life (and I say this with kindness). Good luck

Wow?

Someone who is having their first affair isn't as chilled about it all as OP apparently is (if this is even real, which I highly doubt).

No wow needed thanks.

I was actually coming on her to say what a horrible word to use about another woman.

Yes perhaps the op's dh has a bit on the side too telling her his wife is 'frigid'.

And thinks "out roar" is a thing

The op is a grown woman with a good career. She is choosing to climb on top of another man and kiss her kids when she returns back to them. She is choosing to stay with her husband who she doesn't like or love anymore. She doesn't have to love or like her husband but who is looking after them while she's on top of another man. The op doesn't look good in this situation. She needs to come clean and stop using her husband as an excuse. Her children and her husband are the victims in her lies and manipulation. I would also advise the op should get a STD test she is probably not the only one he is bouncing around with.

I wonder who is feeding and looking after the children while all this is going on. It's a nice little reverse but someone has to be the mug in this story and it's not the op it's her husband.

Definition of “outroar” from Cambridge Dictionary. Synonym of uproar.

Annoys me when posts get sidetracked like this 😂

OP - you’re not going to get support and sympathy on MN unfortunately. There’s too much hurt/damage on the Relationships board from people on the receiving end of what you are doing. My DH was massively hurt and emotionally damaged by his dad’s affair when he was young (also by his mum’s reaction too). He never saw a functional marriage and still has massive insecurities many decades later! There are no winners in this situation. You know you’re taking risks (with your children’s’ wellbeing, your health, as well as your professional integrity) and could cause untold damage to all of those. It sounds like you want to fix this and I wish you well to find a way through it.

He may or may not be in a sexless marriage, you will never know. We see posts about low libido and sexless partnerships every day. Regardless of that though, just keep in mind that he’s lying to her and is likely lying to you.

Ok you stopped shagging your husband 19 months ago which is likely when your emotional affair started happening with the other man. It’s only just turned physical now but you’ve been having an affair for longer than you think.
What does your husband say about no sex for 10 months? That’s a pretty long time

Sorry correction - 10 months ago instead of 19!

People’s attitudes to this and opinions and lack of sympathy/ support are not confined to those who have been on the receiving end of this.
Pointing out truths, no matter how unpalatable, are not always skewed by any bias from the writer.
Many betrayed people on Mumsnet had the same opinions on lying, betrayal and infidelity before it happened to them.
Those to whom it has never happened have the same or very similar opinions to those to whom it has.
I might have this wrong, but I think there would be more support for OP if she showed more remorse and regret for what she did and was not planning to further dupe her husband for another five to ten years.
The motivation for seeking advice and support is not an epiphany of self-awareness and disgust at what she has done/ is contemplating, she wants further help with a dishonest situation and can’t see how ending the affair doesn’t mean anything if she’s going to carry on duping her husband for a decade.
OP knows the jig is up with her lying affair partner, this seems to be her main motivation for wanting out of it, not an epiphany about her bad behaviour and lack of integrity or a desire to stop manipulating and gaslighting her husband.
Instead her plan is to “clock in” a further five to ten years of it whilst he thinks all is well so that her dodgy boat doesn’t get rocked.
She has learned nothing and really needs to hear the truth about her past behaviour and future plans to help her make far better choices.
Whether her deceitful affair partner is lying to her or not is neither here nor there.
Her musing on further deceitfully using and manipulating people for her own gain, is why sympathy is scarce.
I have tons of compassion and support for unfaithful people at rock bottom, who realise the awful choices they’ve made and how their choices impact others and are desperate to change. I admire people who do that, it takes guts and integrity. It’s hard.
However this person has no desire to change, just advice on how to leave an affair because her AP won’t leave his wife and how to further manipulate her husband. In other words “I want out on my terms and to my advantage and still don’t care how I use people to get it.”
Her lack of accountability and remorse is what is causing the lack of support, not the number of betrayed people on Mumsnet.
It implies that everyone who is or was a victim of anything is now incapable of holding a balanced view about that topic, which in itself is prejudicial.
I have been betrayed but I have all the time in the world for unfaithful people, or anyone else for that matter, who get real, face the truth, stop lying to themselves, take full responsibility for their choices and show remorse and a real desire to change.
No evidence of any of the above going on here, at least not yet.

Gosh, I had no idea that this was an actual word
Never came across it before, I assumed it was a synonym but had never seen it used

This is a sad thread. No idea whether it's real or if you're still reading, OP, but here are my thoughts-

Staying together for the children is a bad idea even where you're faithful and trying to make the best of it. In a situation where you are also having an affair, it's a terrible idea- this all has the likelihood of blowing up in an absolutely horrible way. There is no "for the children" about it so stop lying to yourself.

Your lack of insight is arresting. You've described his wife as "frigid" on the basis that she (apparently) doesn't sleep with her husband, despite the fact that you don't sleep with your husband either. You've called your husband "unkind" when the man behaving the worst is you affair partner. I wouldn't put any faith in your ability to judge this situation and I think it's very likely that he is sleeping with his wife and possibly other women as well. The fact you can't see this is quite telling- no fool like an old fool.

You have blamed everyone but yourself- his wife, your husband, the existence of your children, "the chemistry"- for the current situation. You've also suggested that women who think badly of you must be "wives who have been betrayed" rather than seeing that the vast majority of people would disapprove of what you are doing.

You need to start being honest, with yourself first of all. Frankly you are too old for all this self-deception and gormless naivete (or disingenuity). It smacks of a mid-life crisis, and that's the kindest thing I can say about it. The way you stop the affair is simply to stop. "Trying to manage my diary to not coincide with his" is a joke. You are a person with agency, not a feather being blown in the wind, so act like it.

“I know I need to go cold turkey. I know there will be out roar from wives who have been betrayed. I don’t think about his wife. I’m not married to her, my marriage vows were to my husband and hasn’t upheld his either.”
OP this is your biggest problem: You just don’t look at how your behaviour affects others and seem not to care. You don’t seem to care about how your words and actions impact anyone.
No you’re not married to his wife, but you don’t care about how your actions affect the person you are married to, either, and use his unkindness as a passport to behave way worse.
I’m not surprised you don’t think about his wife. To consider her as a sentient, real human being would reflect badly on you, would be excruciating for you, given what you are colluding in. Anyone with a shred of empathy would cringe at themselves and recoil in horror at hurting anyone as deeply as you and her husband are doing, even if she was a stranger.
Get some therapy to unpick the narcissistic traits you are displaying and rule out any other personality disorders you may have, it’s like you’re watching somebody else do this, like you’re not even there, or responsible, somehow. You don’t appear to be seeing what many of us are seeing.