In what way is your husband unkind towards you?
As the husband on the receiving end of an affair my wife had. She had allsorts of justifications on how my unkindness went towards the affair.
Its all nonsense. It was just a way of trying to deflect extreme selfishness and guilt.
Ill give you some examples my wife gave to our marraige counselor when she tried justifying her actions. All of which were debuncked and thrown out through reason and it did actually sink in. It didnt when i said it but we had an amazing counselor who was far better with words.
I'd lost a job over a decade before and for a few months we struggled. That burden on her became a grudge and a reason.
Long before we were married we broke up briefly and she then said she was pregnant. The reason for the breakup was me not wanting kids.
I had a lot of childhood trauma and the thought of being a parent scared me as I had nothing to base good parenting on so I shut down and it took a few months to accept my new reality. Now being a parent is the single greatest thing to me. But that initial reaction was a grudge apparently held for 15 years.
I had a mental breakdown several years back from lots of stuff coming out related to my childhood trauma and horrific memories became unlocked. I saw a counselor and that helped.
But the hidden memories it turns out my wife thought I was lying and knew about them because how could you forget something like that. And that was another grudge held where I was unkind.
We stopped sleeping together because she was suffering from depression and had asked me to respect her lack of confidence and wait until she felt comfortable enough again to initiate anything. But me respecting her feelings and basing our marriage on more than sex was me not making her feel wanted.
My point is. What has he done to you that is so unkind that you would willingly tear his heart out?
Because that is what it feels like when you find out your wife is sleeping with another man. Going on dayes with another man. Sharing thise close moments with another man when you have received nothing but rejection.
It leaves you utterly hollow and broken. I've experienced deaths of close friends and family unexpectedly that hurt far less.
Grief isnt a strong enough word to describe the complete destruction in your sense of self, confidence or mind.
I shattered a bone in my ankle and had it misdiagnosed leaving me walking on a broken foot for years. I had my arm torn apart by a dog. So I am very aware of extreme pain and those do not compare to the pain of finding out your wife has been having an affair.
So please explain what it is he has done to deserve this? If he makes you unhappy you should have stood up, had some respect and left him. Instead you took the selfish path.
I guarantee it is the same for your partner and his wife. Whatever he tells you you are looking at through the glasses of a liar and a cheat. You see your own justifications in him.
Nothing stays secret forever. One day your husband will find out. And until that day you will be waiting and wondering if he knows or when will he know. Maybe your partner isnt as good at keeping quiet and his wife finds out and tells your husband. Maybe you make the slip. Perhaps as I did. He just figures it out.
Tell him now. Save yourself the worry that I hope eats at you.