Unkind husband, frigid wife

[Wherewhenhow]

I’m not sure how I’ve ended up here. Affair with my colleague. My husband isn’t kind to me and his wife isn’t intimate with him. I know this is a line for unfaithful men to use, but my area of expertise is focussed on determining honesty, I believe him. I’m in this situation because he makes me feel beautiful sexy funny clever: all things my husband actively doesn’t do. For him, I give him warmth, affirmation and sexual intimacy.

I’m not leaving my marriage yet, because I need to clock in another 5-10 years till our children are older. He’s not leaving his marriage because he magically hopes it will improve. In that way, we well matched.

I need to disconnect though, I’m not sure how. The chemistry is electric, I’ve never experienced this before. I would like a future with him, but it’s not possible.

I know I need to go cold turkey. I know there will be out roar from wives who have been betrayed. I don’t think about his wife. I’m not married to her, my marriage vows were to my husband and hasn’t upheld his either.

Has anyone made this disconnect from an affair partner? I want to step away. I’m trying to manage my diary to not coincide with his. Thank you

Sorry, didn't explain.
I wondered, if it IS a sexless marriage, are they both giving their own versions.

My point was more about OP calling another woman frigid whilst not sleeping with her own husband, ironic to refer to another woman in such a horrible way whilst in the same situation as her in her own marriage

You don't know why frigid has caused "such umbridge"?🤣

It's caused umbridge because its the word men
use for women who they can't turn on. It's the word inadequate men use for women

I expect your "delightful" lover calls you a tart or a slut, when you're not around. Because he CAN manage to turn you on

🙄

You need to go cold turkey. Just simply cut him off - it is the only way.

FWIW I had an affair with a man I fell completely in love with. He told me they weren’t having sex. She fell pregnant, so he lied about that too. Something built on lies was not made to last - don’t fuck this up any more, cut it off.

Your affair partner is a cake eater. And they all say their wife does not understand them or sleep with them any longer. He must think you were born yesterday if you believe what he tells you to be true,

You need to end your marriage as well as the affair. There is no other good option open to you.

Better to be on your own than to show your kids such a poor example of a marriage for them to potentially emulate.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. Children are not stupid and they do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here. They hear the rows coming from downstairs, sense his antipathy towards you and you sleeping in separate bedrooms. And as for staying for the sake of the kids, well it’s would not be for their sake you’d be staying but more your own because it’s somehow “easier.”

Ime affair =escapism.
He is a proven liar (to his dm).
Why do you think he isn't /won't lie to you?
Why is he still with her?
If he has no dc will he really want yours 50% of his week?

If he has no children and his wife is ‘frigid’ why does he stay? Nothing stopping him leaving her. Neither of you sound very likeable people to be honest.

That was a really confusing read. Could not work out why your husband also had a wife. But I think I get it now.

No real advice other than cheating is never justified. If you’re unhappy, you leave.

Honestly, I would consider leaving your husband and then you are free to do as you please. I’m not saying that sarcastically but it’s miserable being stuck in a marriage which is loveless or lacks intimacy. At least that way you don’t feel like you are sneaking around and you don’t have to put up with your husband. Drop the affair bloke as well, he’s appealing because he’s filling a hole in your life atm. You can free yourself up for a real relationship.

The kids will be better off without having to watch their parents at conflict, even if the nastiness is only coming from one side. Very few men seem to actually want to look after their kids so I’m sure your husband would agree to you having more days.

Judge, my arse😂😂😂

I sincerely hope you get reported for taking advantage of your younger, junior, and lose your career.

So you’re frigid then?

Oooh, perhaps his wife is also shagging a colleague!

You’re shagging a junior colleague 10 years younger than you? Come on love, you’re being ridiculous. I’m willing to bet everyone at work knows about your sleazy little affair and are laughing at you.

Your area of expertise is "focused on determining honesty" yet you seem unable to be honest with yourself. Anyone would know that him hoping his marriage will improve means that the marriage is probably fine (to both him and her) and he is using you for frisson-enhanced extramarital sex and nothing more. I think you are deluding yourself,

Been in front of multiple juggles as a victim, I would like to share that I feel they have noticeably less ability than the average person to detect lies simply because they tend to excessively believe in their own judgement

You need to hit the therapy hard, highest quality you can fine. Don’t fuck about, they will support you to make changes

'Your affair partner is a cake eater. And they all say their wife does not understand them or sleep with them any longer. He must think you were born yesterday if you believe what he tells you to be true'

This.

If you aren't happy, leave. Don't he used by a womanising twat though

Please don’t subject your children to an unhappy home with two parents who dislike one another.

You’re sleeping with a younger guy from your own workplace? Unreal. You keep saying you don’t want to risk your career, but that’s exactly what you’re doing. People around you aren’t stupid, they’ll catch on, and when they do, everything you’ve built will start falling apart and will be out of your control

And now you’re even saying about seeing yourself with him in the proper relationship? Come on. How well do you even know him besides sleeping with him? It’s not like you can actually date or live normally this whole thing exists in secret. What you’re calling “feelings” is nothing more than lust….

Exactly what I thought he’d think of her- an old(er) married slapper. That’s usually how such calibre of men think.

Cheating on his wife is one thing, but speaking badly of her while doing so is quite another. He’s shown you a lot about his character. Whether she is in fact ‘frigid’ or not is irrelevant.

If he speaks about his wife in such a manner, he’ll speak about his piece on the side a lot more. Especially since you’re married.

Anyone having an affair is a shit parent. It is in line with abuse and addiction as one of the highest risks of having a dysfunctional and toxic co parenting relationship.

Then get into what type of example you are showing your kids by risking them finding out how capable you are of deception, manipulation.

If you really are a Judge the irony of you sitting in judgement of others daily while being a deceiving liar, who is shagging a younger more junior colleague. Some example of upstanding moral and ethical behaviour.

Imagine the whole thing blows up? Wrecking your kids home and risking a toxic as fuck separation. Then think of your professional reputation. For what? Your ego? Getting off?

You are literally about to self destruct your life and your reputation.

Channel some of your selfishness and entitlement and just stop taking your clothes off. Its literally that simple. Stay in therapy and work out leaving your marriage with you professional reputation in tact.

Haven’t heard that phrase in a long time (thankfully). There’s usually a very good reason why a woman doesn’t want to sleep with her husband and it’s not usually because she is ‘frigid’, as you must well know yourself (are you ‘frigid’ with your husband OP or do you willingly have a great sex life with him?).

This feels like a dodgy thread to me. Doesn't talk or sound like a judge and to admit it on a public forum speaks of gross miscalculation. It simply can't be real, or what little faith I have in the justice system is now shattered forever.

He's got it both ways hasn't he? (In a manner of speaking!) He gets sex and adoration from you, and probably sex with his DW as well. Even if not, he's got his financial security with her. Stop being so naive. Are you really going to sacrifice the next ten years waiting for this loser?

Frigid is a disgusting misogynistic word. It’s vile for a woman to use that word about another woman. And it’s also most likely a lie on his part.

He won’t leave her in case things improve between them? Come on OP, wise up. More like he won’t leave her because he doesn’t want to take on a woman 10 years older than him with 2 kids. He just sees you as an easy shag OP.

Why are you not?