Unkind husband, frigid wife

[Wherewhenhow]

I’m not sure how I’ve ended up here. Affair with my colleague. My husband isn’t kind to me and his wife isn’t intimate with him. I know this is a line for unfaithful men to use, but my area of expertise is focussed on determining honesty, I believe him. I’m in this situation because he makes me feel beautiful sexy funny clever: all things my husband actively doesn’t do. For him, I give him warmth, affirmation and sexual intimacy.

I’m not leaving my marriage yet, because I need to clock in another 5-10 years till our children are older. He’s not leaving his marriage because he magically hopes it will improve. In that way, we well matched.

I need to disconnect though, I’m not sure how. The chemistry is electric, I’ve never experienced this before. I would like a future with him, but it’s not possible.

I know I need to go cold turkey. I know there will be out roar from wives who have been betrayed. I don’t think about his wife. I’m not married to her, my marriage vows were to my husband and hasn’t upheld his either.

Has anyone made this disconnect from an affair partner? I want to step away. I’m trying to manage my diary to not coincide with his. Thank you

My area of expertise is focussed on determining honesty.... Clairvoyant?

its hard but straightforward. You tell him today that it has to end, then you block his number, delete him from your socials and you ensure that work contact is minimal and purely professional. Then you never deviate - avoiding any work social events if necessary.

you also need to look at your marriage. If your husband is genuinely unkind, you need to leave. Not for another man, but for your own self respect and your children’s health.

Agreed. Along with misspelling the word umbrage and the deliberate use of an inflammatory misogynist slur, I really hope she’s not a judge.

Your area of expertise is “determining honesty” but you are in a “relationship” with a man who is openly lying to his wife? We have very different definitions of an expert.
FFS. He is junior to you, younger, no dc, no reason at all he couldn’t leave his wife. He hasn’t.
I would suggest that you’ve been had. If he told you “the wife is good in bed, I love her and I’ve no intention of ever leaving her” would you have shagged him? And do you really think he doesn’t know that? I’d wager not. Grow up, you’ve been played. And treated your family appallingly at the same time.
He is going to walk away scot free from this whilst you have detonated your whole life.

Sooo is your husband now allowed to go have an affair? Because you are giving him sex? Because that is basically what your bit of stuff is doing to his wife.

And I thought I had problems lol.

You could leave your husband but you don’t want to. He could leave his wife but he doesn’t want to. Even if you did end up together it wouldn’t be exciting, it would be ‘have you got the car Mot’d’? And ‘did you send your mum a birthday card?’. Not sexy, not exciting, just plain boring life. Added to that would be the misery of not seeing your children every day and having a suspicion that your new man is cheating on you just like he cheated on his wife

His reaction of not wanting to leave his wife (and not because they have children) is all you need to know. He doesn’t feel the same way as you. Maybe he’s doing it to get up the career ladder. You’ve come on here asking how to go cold turkey. You are an intelligent woman. You know, you just stay away. Don’t be alone with them. If you were a man you would be advised to keep it in your pants so just literally do the same. Obviously you have too much time on your hands at work! Spend more time with you husband and kids if you want to make your marriage work. Otherwise leave your husband and hopefully you both find people you can be in a kinder better relationship with.

I am enjoying the mixing up of outrage and uproar

Also, that you have to be someone's wife to think an affair is bad form.

Have a read of this …

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

💐

What ages will your dc be in 5 years time? It’s very easy to overestimate their future maturity, and resilience but the challenges don’t get easier at older ages, they just get different.

I used to work with a bloke who convinced his OW he wasn’t sleeping with his wife.

You should have seen her face when the wife miraculously became pregnant.

Seriously OP. Get a grip and leave your job and either focus on your marriage or leave your DH.

What a horrible way to live.

Frigid is a gross phrase.

You're only detecting that he is honestly expressing HIS perception of his marriage issues. It isn't necessarily the cold hard fact. His wife would most likely have a different story to tell and she may he as hand on heart honest too.

He's doing a terrible job trying to stay in his marriage hoping it gets better while sleeping with someone else.

Affairs are horrible bombs in a family, the hurt carries on and can affect alot of relationships within the family. A clean break would he preferable, if you want to leave then leave, you're dipping your toe in the water because your husband is unkind to you but why not do that with a single man if you must be the one having an affair. Old adage, two wrongs don't make a right after all.

Unkind husband/frigid wife?

Imagine what they'd say about the pair of you!

Get some self respect OP and leave your husband, stop fucking someone else's husband (he's lying by the way) and stop lying to yourself.

This isn't even your first time is it?

If you want to end it. Go NC, or as NC as possible under the circumstances
... or ask him to.

If you were considering continuing.. look carefully at how he treats his present wife and describes her.

Be careful how you end it because it sounds like he could blow up your career by causing a scene if he wanted too.

Staying with someone, you say is unkind to you, "for the sake of the children" is a really really bad idea for all of you.

Overall my advice would be clean break with Affair Partner. Free yourself and children from unkind marriage partner... be single for a while, whilst you sort yourself out.

I’d strongly recommend you get a regular sti check, rather than gambling your health on the sexual monogamy of a known cheater.

It’s very likely he still fucks his wife occasionally, and not completely improbable that she’s got a bit on the side too.

You want advice on how to "disconnect"?

I mean, you could try just not fucking him? Plenty of married people seem to manage not to fuck others that they find attractive.

Crazy idea, I know.

The fact that he doesn't have children tells me you are just a recreational thing for him. Children are the reason most men don't leave and he doesn't have that reason. He could leave but he simply doesn't want to. Which means he's not unhappy, he just feels entitled to a mistress.

You're not doing your kids any favours by clocking another 5-10 years modelling a dishonest, disfunctional relationship for them to repeat.

Yes but you used it in your title! Disgusting

He could be lying, I don’t think so

Of course he's bloody lying. And if he's not having sex with his wife it's because he's to knackered from shagging his mistress behind her back.

I've no skin in the game, I've never been a wife, and don't give two hoots about your infidelity to your husband.

But come on! You know he's lying!

Are we really still using words like 'frigid' about women?!

"I’m trying to manage my diary to not coincide with his"

FFS. Act like an adult.

@Wherewhenhow your lack of good judgment is tragic and disappointing. You need to give your head a good wobble and instead of being high on lust, start thinking logically. Your career is obviously important to you, even if your husband isn’t, so you don’t want to be a laughing stock and if you think for one moment that no one has noticed your shenanigans with the junior, you are very wrong. If you think this bloke isn’t boasting to his mates, you are very wrong. Your job is about honesty and integrity so stop being a sleazy liar and behave in a manner to hold your head high, not have a whiff of scandal because that shit sticks.