Unkind husband, frigid wife

[Wherewhenhow]

I’m not sure how I’ve ended up here. Affair with my colleague. My husband isn’t kind to me and his wife isn’t intimate with him. I know this is a line for unfaithful men to use, but my area of expertise is focussed on determining honesty, I believe him. I’m in this situation because he makes me feel beautiful sexy funny clever: all things my husband actively doesn’t do. For him, I give him warmth, affirmation and sexual intimacy.

I’m not leaving my marriage yet, because I need to clock in another 5-10 years till our children are older. He’s not leaving his marriage because he magically hopes it will improve. In that way, we well matched.

I need to disconnect though, I’m not sure how. The chemistry is electric, I’ve never experienced this before. I would like a future with him, but it’s not possible.

I know I need to go cold turkey. I know there will be out roar from wives who have been betrayed. I don’t think about his wife. I’m not married to her, my marriage vows were to my husband and hasn’t upheld his either.

Has anyone made this disconnect from an affair partner? I want to step away. I’m trying to manage my diary to not coincide with his. Thank you

“I’m not leaving my marriage yet, because I need to clock in another 5-10 years till our children are older. He’s not leaving his marriage because he magically hopes it will improve. In that way, we well matched.”

OP, people on the throes of affairs are the most selfish people I’ve ever come across, and the most accomplished liars. Here’s my proof.
Read back to yourself what you have written,
it’s a total disregard for your husband and his wife. They are disposable pawns in your plans. Nothing more.
You are absolutely fine with your betrayal, two clichéd “excuses” for what is nothing short of ongoing psychological abuse, but to also think it’s ok to plan leaving on the next 5-10 years without telling your spouse is absolutely disgusting.
Who are you, to use people in this selfish manner? You have no qualms about deceiving somebody to waste a decade of their lives with you.
The affair is one thing, but the way you think it’s ok to use people like this is pure narcissism, and I’m somebody who thinks that word is bandied about and misused too often.
The way you talk so glibly about wasting other people’s lives: “Clock in”. Dear Lord.
I can’t comment further as you are either not genuine or the most callous, tone deaf, selfish poster I’ve ever come across.
Your poor husband and OM’s wife

Judge Judy uses mumsnet?

Zero judgment here , OP but I’m going to hold your hand when I tell you if it’s as awful as he’s made it seem to you , and he liked you half as you do, him, he’d leave his “frigid” wife. He’s lying. I know it cos the man I happen to still be married to ( my toes curl to call him husband but I’m still here 🤷‍♀️ ) did the same to several women. He’s afraid to leave her .. for whatever reason(s). I’m that wife, so I know. Honestly , if you truly want to cut ties, you’re going to have to go cold turkey. Block him & get on with your life.

Right, you’re a sexually active woman, of course! And a judge! Goodness.
It’s definitely umbrage, unless referring to a character in Harry Potter.

Oh, let's see. Why would 'frigid' cause such umbridge?

I wouldn't be going near any man who called a woman, let alone someone he chose to marry, frigid. What a misogynistic pig and I don't believe for a second that you don't understand his derogatory use of what is a common sexual slur.
Wonder how many times he's used it to justify his sleeping around, it clearly works.

Stop making excuses to justify your actions. You chose to start a dirty little affair, you can choose to stop whenever you like. Totally up to you

It will end in tears....

"out roar"??????

It’s always so depressing with these kind of posts that people who once loved each other enough to plan a whole future can’t even be “nice” to each other.
In this case nice would be to come clean to your husband and then you have two choices, decide if you can save your marriage with your unkind husband and if you both want to,get some decent couples and singles therapy sessions in your diaries. Or separate and you can then have the space to reflect and see all of this for the chaotic mess it is, it will also give you the freedom to pursue this nirvana you believe you have discovered. I think if you are tipsy and emotional then your affair may not be the salvation you believe but I understand that the endorphins it releases make you believe every word this man says, how can a man who makes you feel so wonderful be a lying weasel?

I wonder how is your husband unkind and if your children are raised more by a nanny than either of you?

@Wherewhenhow I was the child in this scenario. And it was my mum who was having the affair. It didn’t end well—what you are doing to your children is grossly unfair. Put your big girl pants on and prioritise your children over your shagging partner.

He’s definitely still shagging his wife. He’s just saying he isn’t. If it was true he wouldn’t be desperate to stay in his marriage when there isn’t any kids involved. Putting the affair aside, I don’t think you should stay just for the kids. My parents divorced when I was an adult because of an affair on my dad’s part, but I knew from about 12 they weren’t happy and should have split at that point. Kids sense these things, they know. And if you continue to cheat and it comes out and then the kids find out? It took a LOT for me to forgive my dad, and even then I still don’t see him very often and I’ve never met his now partner as I just don’t want to be around a woman who thinks it’s ok to sleep with another woman’s husband.

I am a judge though, I literally can’t change my career path. But I can avoid this guy.

You cannot be serious😂😂

Whatever you do, and I make no judgement on you or the man concerned, keep it from your partners. They must not know.

Things and people change. You and this man have great chemistry, if you lived together it might disappear.

Just take each day as it comes, do not dwell on the future; do your best for your family and try to be cheerful at home.

You’re not sure why frigid caused an uproar? Because it’s a nasty, skanky word, to use about a woman, who you have so little respect for, that you’re shagging her husband and have the audacity to call it ‘electric’.

He’s young and junior and likely thinks you’re his ticket to climb up the ladder.
How dare you try to excuse your manky behaviour by pinning this on his wife and your husband. You are the one who took her pants off.

And stop taking about ‘disconnecting’ and call it what it is. Your practical solution is to keep your knickers on and stop sleeping with him.

eugh , grim.

lmao sweet baby jesus

There’s something hilariously sad about having someone so morally bankrupt judge others.

There’s a Jimmy Nail song that repeats ‘she’s lying….shes lying…she’s lying’ Substitute she for he….thats your ‘lover’.

I am pretty confident from the way you write and your lack of analytical thinking that you are not a judge. It doesn’t particularly matter which job you do, but it matters that you are honest with yourself as you are clearly getting carried away in a fantasy which will disappoint you and cause you pain

Staying together for the kids is pointless as kids aren’t stupid, they pick up on things. My mum did with my dad and still is despite me being 40 nearly! I wish she had left him years ago.
Leave your husband and find someone who doesn’t already have a wife ffs.

I had an affair. He told me he didn’t have sex with his wife. She was religious and hated it blah blah blah.
we fucked for 3 years, went away for weekends, treated me well etc… then I found out that she was pregnant. I ended it there and then, it brought me to my senses.

i loved him, REALLY loved him but that pregnancy bought me to my senses hard and fast.

i since found out that I wasn’t the only one that he was fucking, he worked away a lot and there were prostitutes all over the country.

i felt sick. He didn’t love me all. He lied.

And the OP is a judge who can’t spell umbrage 🤔

You say your husband is not kind, yet you're not leaving him yet?
What is really going on? You're both lying as anyone who cheats on his or her spouse is lying. You absolutely cannot trust someone who cheats on their spouse. Of course he's not going to leave his wife. He's having the time of his life. I'm afraid you're his bit on the side.
You need to sort your marriage out (whatever that means) by not doing stuff behind your husband's back.

Im not sure what is keeping you with your husband. Nothing will change to your structure if you leave him. You and Nanny have it covered. You say he is unkind - you have one life, do you want to spend another 15 miserable? More importantly do you want to show your children an unhealthy example of a relationship that they might follow the pattern into adulthood with? Yes you may have to do week about or every other weekend but you will at least have quality time with your children and in a healthy environment. You know yourself you have to ditch the fella - you are his senior. He is not leaving his wife. It will not end well. This has highlighted how poor your marriage is - only you can decide if you want to stick with married and miserable or single and not miserable. Good luck

Check out the research on kids whose parents stayed for them. It messes them up. Because it's yet more deceit on top of the affair. If you really can't re-engage with husband, better to separate.

Oh dear OP. This has shitstorm written all over it. And he’s junior to you? You know it’ll be gross misconduct on your part and a sexual harassment claim if this gets out? Imbalance of power causes issues, and on another note if he had no kids he’s no need to stay with his wife and try again with her. He could walk away if he wanted.

I don’t think everything is black and white. I can see how affairs happen. But I think you’ll end up broken. And if you stay with your H I would get it will not be a happy five to ten years, for either of you.

I’m not leaving my marriage yet, because I need to clock in another 5-10 years till our children are older. - I hope your husband discovers the affair quickly and puts that plan well out of action. How sickening people are to waste a decade of other peoples lifes like this?! Seriously think it's one of the most cuntish things a person can do, money, homes, jobs can be replaced but you have one life and to deliberately waste ten years of someone elses in such a way is cold, callous and bordering psychopathic.

Wow, she's frigid? Wait, let me guess, she's unhinged as well, right? Doesn't understand him?