Unkind husband, frigid wife

[Wherewhenhow]

I’m not sure how I’ve ended up here. Affair with my colleague. My husband isn’t kind to me and his wife isn’t intimate with him. I know this is a line for unfaithful men to use, but my area of expertise is focussed on determining honesty, I believe him. I’m in this situation because he makes me feel beautiful sexy funny clever: all things my husband actively doesn’t do. For him, I give him warmth, affirmation and sexual intimacy.

I’m not leaving my marriage yet, because I need to clock in another 5-10 years till our children are older. He’s not leaving his marriage because he magically hopes it will improve. In that way, we well matched.

I need to disconnect though, I’m not sure how. The chemistry is electric, I’ve never experienced this before. I would like a future with him, but it’s not possible.

I know I need to go cold turkey. I know there will be out roar from wives who have been betrayed. I don’t think about his wife. I’m not married to her, my marriage vows were to my husband and hasn’t upheld his either.

Has anyone made this disconnect from an affair partner? I want to step away. I’m trying to manage my diary to not coincide with his. Thank you

The fact you use the word frigid- mind blowing

Not going to judge you, as clearly you know an affair is wrong. But sounds like you do need to step away from this given neither of you intend to run off into the sunset. I was seeing a colleague until recently, initially a couple of years ago more seriously, then we split and more recently over the last year on a very infrequent / relaxed basis. I wanted more, but it was clear that he didn’t (and some of that was due to him having no time as single dad blah blah, but he could have certainly given more and it was clear he was not that interested).

For me what helps most, is not seeing him. As I am very attracted to him and we have a lot of chemistry. I was recently off work for a few weeks and found it so much easier not having to see him. So yes, change your schedule, block him, stay well away. If I see him, I find myself thinking about him all the time and I hate it. Moving away next year and it can’t come soon enough as I know out of sight, out of mind will help.

He’s lying to his wife. Why would he not lie to you?

It’s absolutely vile. 1970s misogyny

If you are in love with OM and he with you, at least both do the decent thing and leave your respective marriages. But him not leaving a childless marriage because he hopes things will change, and you staying in an emotionally unstable marriage 'for the kids' for years is just lies and deceit and children aren't stupid. Nothing good will come of it.

You might be a good judge of character but you are spectacularly fucking up your judgement of this situation.

Are you still shagging your husband?

I’m not sure why frigid has caused such umbridge. Perhaps sexless would work better.

I am a judge though, I literally can’t change my career path. But I can avoid this guy.

My whole structure relies on our nanny, rather than my husband. I don’t want to live apart from my DC. I’m trying to end this. I will try marriage counselling to see if we can keep a stable home for our DC.

No, not for the past 10 months, so well before this affair

Midlife crisis much?
The only thing you will lose is the respect and probably relationship with your children. They will find out at somepoint. Even if its not for 10 years

The younger man is definitely still sleeping with his wife.

Sounds very French

Wonder if he goes around telling other people his wife is frigid

He has no children but doesn’t want to leave his wife he’s unhappy with?

I’m not sure I’d believe him tbh. You’re up for it and he is getting plenty (probably some at home too, but she’s not as ‘grateful’).

Honestly, just leave it, or don’t- he will move onto the next willing shag and he won’t leave his wife, whatever you do.

You’re being played.

Wonder if she goes around telling people her husband has erectile dysfunction.

Frigid is a misogynistic, derogatory word; a horrible way to describe a woman. Please ask for the title of your thread to be changed.

Any man who would call his wife (i.e. the woman he once lived so much that he married her) frigid is despicable. And he's using you for sex. You're both despicable to be honest.

What?

Come clean and tell your husband about the affair? I think that's a good way to not be tempted by the OM, once it's out in the open.

If you're planning on staying with your husband for the next 5/10 years, and raising your children in a household with him, you could do with some honesty and to work on your relationship. Even if you don't see yourself growing old with him, 5 or more years is still a long time.

If you’re a judge and he’s junior to you is he the listing clerk?? The mind boggles

’frigid’- absolutely grim
He has no kids to stay for but he’s not planning to leave his wife? Wake up, you’re just the side piece

You don't have to carry all the blame OP. Those vows also included 'loving and cherishing' and you're not getting that at home. Obviously in an ideal scenario, a person would make a clean break with their spouse before embarking on another relationship but life is seldom that uncomplicated. I always feel uneasy about vilifying the one who looks elsewhere because if things were rosy, they wouldn't be looking, would they?
I think people decide what to do either based on their own happiness, or their children's, and it might well be possible to bring the children up in a stable home and work on an amicable relationship with your H with the notion that you might leave later on.
Some say life's too short; you might even find that things improve with your H while you do what you think is best for your children.

I’m afraid you’ve misjudged and come to the wrong place for gentle understanding with warm wise words and a hand hold when you’ve just admitted an affair riddled with textbook cliches. You’ve had a drink and sound like you need affirmation to continue this exciting affair whilst your respective marriages dwindle away but it doesn’t work like that, as you know. If I were you I’d set my impudent loins aside and consider the impact all this will have on both your families.

You are a judge and don't know why frigid is offensive?
Get awayl! 😂😂you had us going for a minute there

Why are you ending the affair? Is it because you believe you need to stay in your marriage, until your children are older? Is there any reason why you can't leave your husband now? I don't know how old your children are, but children aren't stupid, they pick up on unkind behaviour and an unhappy atmosphere. Even if they aren't aware of it yet, as they become older, they most definitely will. You'd actually be better leaving now, and allowing your children to grow up in two houses that are happier. Your AP is a work colleague, so do you work closely with him? How much do you see him at work in a professional capacity? Are either of you in a more senior position to the other? If the affair ends, could it potentially cause an issue with your job (especially if he's more senior to you, for example)? For the affair to end, you need to not be working with him at all, or at best barely see him in a professional capacity. If this isn't possible, then you need to change jobs. To be honest changing jobs, would be better regardless if you work with him closely or not. It would give you a clean slate. You also need to block him on all forms of SM, your phone and make it very plain that you don't want contact at work unless it's in a professional setting. This is why it's unwise to get involved with someone at work, because it can not only blow up your personal life but your working one too. People who have affairs at work always think they're being 'discrete' and 'no one knows', but I'll bet your bottom dollar other colleagues have guessed.

Someone who cheats, rather than facing up to problems and dealing with them maturely, is dishonest. Therefore you can't possibly believe he's not a liar.

l remember a boy calling me frigid at school in the 80s. It’s a horrible word with nasty connotations.