My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Two years!! Of course it can’t be repaired. If he loved you he wouldn’t have had a 2 year affair. I suspect he wants you to financially support him as he has lost his job and that’s why he wants to
get back with you.

If this happened to your children, what advice would you give?

God, no.

He’s a piece of shit.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I wish you strength

Absolutely NOT.

You're a safe harbour OP. So sad for you.

No. Just No.

He will do it again either with her or someone else. He will not be grateful to you for taking him back. He will not be respectful of you. He will never love you again because he has greatly offended you and his sense of himself as a good person. He will never forgive you. Don’t make yourself smaller and subservient to that. Don’t let him back in.

There's no going back after two years of this kind of betrayal. So sorry OP.

Not a chance in hell. No. Absolutely not. I'd be fucking offended he even asked and thought I might be stupid enough and have so little respect for myself to even consider it.

You don't deserve to be stuck with a horrible, dishonest, selfish little shit like him.

He’s not coming back because you’re his first choice. He’s coming back because you’re his second best option.

Let that sit with you a while.

Im so sorry, you deserve better.

To think that you still love him after he has lied, cheated, selfishly shat on his own wife and children; says a lot about you. It says that you don’t really know what love is. Real love is secure, peace. What you think is love is possibly anxiety, thrill of the chase etc. you don’t need to take him back, you need a therapist to work out why you don’t know what love is.

Sorry to hear this. Hard as it is I wouldn’t take him back. He has totally disregarded your feelings and dropped you for this woman. You’ll never have the same relationship again and the anger and bitterness will eat away at you.
Get some counselling to work through your feelings and carry on living your life. It will get less painful after time and you’ll feel clarity in time. Don’t start engaging with him, you’ll get drawn back in and you’ll only ever hear his side of the story which you know isn’t true.
Look at some of the threads on this board where women have come out the other side. It will help.

No no no no no no no, OP. Please don’t. He only wants back because he’s lost his job and she probably doesn’t want to babysit him. Two years is absolutely unforgivable IMO.

Absolutely not. He will just do it all again.

You cannot trust a single word he says.

He is not worthy of you and the faults lie with him. He decided to cheat and that decision is solely on him. It is no reflection on you as a person he cheated. A hard no to taking him back.

Nope. He wants to use you. But I imagine he will be thinking about other women.

He can get a flat and in six months you can then see how you feel about him and if you want to date him again. I don’t know how you’d trust him….

No. You don't love him. You love who you THOUGHT he was. You now know he's not that person any more

So....no, you don't love the man you NOW know

He’s got no where else to go, and no one else wants him. That’s the only reason he’s acting like it was all a big mistake.

It wasn’t a mistake, he knew what he was doing and it’s now backfired and he’s hoping he can sweet talk his way back to you.

He will leave you again once he’s back on his feet.

He lied to you every day for two years! Looked you in the eye and lied. Everything he was intimate with you in anyway he was lying to you. That consent you give in the basis you are committed to one another, he didn't give you the opportunity to revoke knowing he was sleeping with someone else. Then he left you and shacked up with her, that's now gone pear shaped and he's unemployed and NOW he wants to come back?! Of course he does he's fucked his life up. Find your rage and tell him to go away.

Of course he doesn’t love you! Don’t ever take him back. 2 years?!!

If not for yourself - then at least for the sake of your children and what your teaching them - don’t ever let him (or anyone else) treat you like some piece of crap on his shoe that he can fuck about with and discard at will. I’m so angry for you and I don’t even know this pathetic excuse for a man.

I have daughters who are teens, if I take him back I suppose I would be sending the wrong message.

its so hard because he seems so sorry and hasn’t held back on any details (not sure if this is a good or bad thing) he did start hint about coming back before all this blew up! He was being affectionate again and coming to the house more and more. I’m not sure what that means either.

We can see what's in it for him ( back to what he knows , family back , becomes a family man again , someone to do his cooking and cleaning , forgiving wife etc ) but what's in it for you ?

You are worth more and deserve more.
Simply tell him you are not an option any more and leave him to sort out the shit show he made.

@Thescornedwife im really sorry but have you considered that the only reason he wants to come home to you is because you are a safe option after he’s realised that his affair partner isn’t working out now reality has hit.

if he didn’t have you as a backup plan maybe he’d work harder with her or some other woman.

how do you know things are actually over between them? Is he living with her but trying to line you up so he can dump her and move back in with you?

he might have loved her but more likely she was a thrill and an ego boost and sex. That doesn’t sadly mean that he loves you. You are a known factor and an instant roof over his head. Cooked meals and a safe haven.

you’ll never be able to trust him. I know it hurts now. But the reality of taking him back means that you’d have an existence where he drags you down.

You might take him back. But it won’t go away. You will resent him forever.
He is not the man you thought he was.

Hell would freeze over before I took that man back! He's lied, cheated and treated you like dirt - frankly, you shouldn't want to be anywhere near him.

You loved the person you thought he was. He has shown you that he is not that person. You have found out who he is and it's not pleasant. Focus on the person that he has shown you he really is - why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with that person?

You deserve SO much better than him. You would never ever trust him again. You'd be signing up to a life of worry, insecurity and waiting for it to happen again. Please don't do it OP 💐

Absolutely fucking do not take this lying cheating piece of shit back. Of course he’s sorry, but it’s not for what he’s done to you. He’s sorry for himself.