My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Not only are you sending the wrong message to your daughters, you are going to be resentful, distrustful, disappointed and hurt for the rest of your life. I'm sorry your self-esteem is so low that you're even considering this. You're always going to hear his voice telling her how much he loves her in your head.
I recommend getting all financial records from that period (and probably several years beforehand, because liars lie...) so you can see how much time and energy as well as money he invested in this other woman while you were getting fuck all from him. This will bring out the anger and take that and all financials to a bloody good lawyer before you tell him you're not going to take him back.

You would be mad taking him back. Adultery is a complete breach of a marriage. Even according to the Bible you got right to divorce an adulterer.

That's my last comment here

No No No
Get a counsellor yourself for support with your self esteem and for working towards a happy life without him. You can do it and you will feel so good about yourself when you do

Nah. He’s not something you should take back. Tough, STBXH, you screwed up - go elsewhere now.

Please get full STI tests.
Do not take him back. He is not sincere, he is only sorry it turned out badly for him. You owe yourself and children to not go back.

If you decide to go back know he will do this again, he won't be grateful for the second chance. He is only begging you now because he has no other option and the other woman doesn't want him anymore.

I think we all know that the OP will take him back .

They are confused! They love him but also can’t bear that he has lied to them as much as he has, they are so conflicted, he’s good at making them feel sorry for him too

He's tired of living with his parents. He cries for himself. They always feel sorry for themselves. Take him back and he will just start looking for his next adventure. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't have betrayed ypu for two fucking years! Tell your daughters that he's still their dad and this has nothing to do with them but please have some self respect and don't go back to playing happy families.

Absolutely not.

He knows you are a decent woman who will feel guilty about him losing everything, even though it was his fault.

Worst of all, he knows how much you love him, because he knows you will want to help him now. Knowing how much you loved him and treating you like that is really awful.

You will never be able to forget what he's done and you know what? He'll resent you for that. He'll think you're always going on about it. He won't understand why you find intimacy difficult. By the way, though, have you heard of hysterical bonding? Here's a useful link about that: Dear Chump Lady, Hysterical bonding... WTF?! - ChumpLady.com

You will never have a good relationship with your ILs if you go back with him - where did they think he was spending his time, eh? He will never have a good relationship with your family as they will never forgive or forget. They've seen what you've gone through. Your daughters will have very mixed feelings as they want to rewind to be just as you all were together, but he's thrown a bomb into your family and it can never be the way it was.

I really feel for you - I've been where you are and it's awful.

This is an awful situation to live through. With the sense of deep betrayal and so many emotions being so raw at the moment, it is understandable that you are finding it hard to compose yourself and to function in daily life. I think you are ultra resilient and are showing strength beyond what I could muster in your situation.

He has told you about what he did with her, but has he told you why? What was the state of your marriage 2 years ago?

I would find it very hard to take a man back that did this. If the marriage was in trouble for an extended period prior to the affair and I had not played my part in resolving those issues, or if there was a particular event such as a bereavement that catalysed the behaviour, that would be the only circumstances where I would consider reconciliation.

I would expect it to take a decade to trust him again.

He has nowhere to go, but old faithful the wife that he decieved for 2 years 'will forgive me'.

'Nobody falls in love quicker than a man who needs a place to stay'

He is wearing you down, and its disgusting, you deserve better.

He did not love and respect you during that period.

That is bottom line for me, too.

For his kids' sake I hope he sorts himself out, and I would hope to eventually be on friendly terms with him. But otherwise he shouldn't be your problem any more, OP. You deserve better.

I know people in a similar situation, I'm friends with the OW. The husband has been seeing her for 2 years, told the OW him and wife were split, separate bedrooms separate lives the lot. I sort of know the couple too (live in a small place) and a lot of rumours around pointed to this all being true. Wife was out with mates a lot more and telling people they'd split.

Anyway turns out he'd led wife to believe his affair was over and they were just struggling a bit, but he never stopped seeing my friend and basically just future faked her. Now OW has blocked him and gone NC and wife is filling for divorce and taking him for all he has. Stupid fucker

File for that divorce from your own stupid fucker OP, he's lied to you, lied to her (likely) and lied to your children

OP why did he lose his job? He's an arse but usually people aren't sacked for affairs.

Mean spirited reply to someone going through an extremely painful experience. And that says a lot about you!

My EXh cheated on me when I was pregnant with our planned first child he told me he was leaving to be with her an hour after I came out of hospital after a v traumatic birth, which he didn't really support me through.
I gave him an hour to think about it and made it clear if he chose her he went there and then. He stayed we had another child, moved house and he did it again.
Over the years he tried to stay friendly and also tried it on every chance he got.
He was a user and saw me as his back-up plan.
You are over the worst, he made his bed as the saying goes, don't be the back-up. I was v young and naive and it was a different world, enjoy some peace in your life, you won't have any if you allow him back.💕

When my husband left he would phone the house ( no mobiles then) periodically to be a shit. One morning he rang in tears ready to tell me why he couldn't pay maintenance that month/ have the children at the weekend blah blah. I had got a days supply teaching so my friend was there looking after my small children and hers. She answered the phone. He wept and sobbed. She said ' sorry its Susan , Angelina's out' . The sobs instantly stopped. Instantly. Oh right, he said I'll call back later. Cue tears when he phoned later. She'd warned me. As they say " No man falls in love faster than a man in need of a bed for the night"

She said they were having sex at work, how sordid

I'm so sorry OP. I went through something similar. I remember the agony of it. Please don't take him back. If you don't need to communicate with him about your children I would cease all contact and engage a solicitor. I appreciate it is horrendous at the moment but when you start taking control things will improve. Sending you very best wishes.

He was having sex with the both of you? Make sure you go to your GP or health clinic and ask for a test. You want to make sure he hasn’t given you any sexually transmitted diseases.

You taking him back shows him that he has free rein to just fuck about with other women and you’ll always be there with open arms to welcome him back as soon as the other women are done with him.

It's not your fault your husband cheated but you now have a choice whether or not to be a complete idiot.

He's not sorry. He just doesn't like the consequences of his actions.

Sympathy for you will dry up if you take him back. I can't believe you'd even consider it.

What's the saying on here? Something like 'nobody falls in love faster than a man with nowhere to live'.

He doesn't love you OP. I'm so sorry to say it. He can't love you and treat you the way he did.

Don't take him back.

Please don’t trust him. Think about the possibility of dragging your kids through round 2 of this.

Pp was right: he won’t respect you or admire you if you take him back. He’ll also have confirmed that he can treat you in the worse possible way and get away with it. Those two factors together mean he WILL do it again with someone else if not OW again.

"I wouldn't touch you with a bargepole you disgusting loathsome toad. However, I am confident that in time, and for the sake of our children, I will move on to merely pitying you."

The thing is that those two years were made up of thousands of decisions, and in none of those decisions did he consider you or put you first. Now he wants you to forget all of that - well, of course he does - but how can you? Why should you?