My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

He needs somewhere to live and support while he tries to find another job.
If the OW wants him back he WILL go

DON’T DO IT!!

The reality is, that to make it work, you will have to forgive him, and swallow down all the resentment that he has caused you to feel. You will have to pretend to trust him, as every time you ask where he's going, it will turn into him accusing you of not trusting him. You will feel yourself becoming a person you do not want to be, in his eyes, and also your own.
Believe me, I tried for a few months, and it nearly broke me. The fact that I found that he couldn't be trusted ( he was seeing her again) was a relief. I went to a solicitor 2 days later and never looked back!

He formed an attachment to her for a reason and until he has worked on himself as to what need he was fulfilling, that need will still be present with him.

I would spend time dealing with your loss through counselling, moving on, self-love, self-growth and build a positive co-parenting relationship with him as the father of your children. You’ll find stability and love in your life again, but it won’t be with him.

How can two YEARS of betrayal have 'meant nothing'? How could you ever believe that he hasn't been telling her that your years of marriage 'meant nothing'?

If it had been a temporary blip that he was clearly devastated about then I might advocate for trying to at least work through it. But two years of lying and deceit is beyond a slip. She's discovered he's not all that to live with and kicked him out and now he thinks you're an easy touch who will take any level of disloyalty and have him back.

I'm absolutely livid on your behalf that he thinks so little of you.

I mean you can try and work through it and forgive him but in reality won’t that just be further time wasted on a lying scumbag and less time for you to move forward and build the life you deserve?

This is two years of calculated deception not even an immediately regretted one off (and that would be hard enough to move on from) and I wouldn’t believe another word that out of his mouth.

It means he’s using you, he’s hedging his bets, he wants to have his cake and eat him, and he’s broke and wants to sponge off you.

You say you love him OP, but what is it about him that you find loveable? The lying, the cheating, the using, the treating you like shit, the abandonment of your family? How can you possibly love a person who would do all that? You really need to seek therapy to address why you would still love him after all that.

Please don’t take him back, you’ll just get your heart broken all over again.

No I don’t believe so. He has cut all contact with her in an attempt to gain back my trust

You need to work out why your self-worth is so low. Why you even consider this?

is it because you have little else in your life? Make your life more exciting, go and so fun things, join a football team, a book club, a pottery class, go clubbing or to gigs again, make holiday plans with friends. Take.up climbing, or hiking. Invest in your friends. Make your life amazing without this waste of space.

Even if you were to let him back in your life do it in a few years. If you let him now he has all the power. You will be forever scared he will run away again and he will.know that and subtly use it against you. Fuck that.

Of course he’s putting on a good show, just like he did for the two years he was cheating. He’s an accomplished liar, none of it is real. He can never be trusted. If you take him back it will erode your self esteem and mental health until you don’t recognise yourself anymore. Choose you and the kids, just like he chose himself when he went down this path.

I think him being sorry and coming around may mean he’s genuinely sorry, or may be because it’s so hard to face up to how horribly he betrayed you. Either way this is a man who has played about with you and your children’s lives in an awful way. You’ve already had six months of the pain of this, I know this is new information you are adjusting to - but imagine you take him back and he does it again (which is very likely). How many more months of your life do you want to waste feeling awful about what he has done? I know it is scary but take control. Your life is yours alone. Don’t let him dictate what it will be and how you will feel. He has shown he’s not worth that.

Dont fool yourself. She left him.

Let’s just pretend you were looking for a new relationship. Would your wish list in a partner include ‘liar and cheater, capable of manipulation and really hurtful behaviour?’

I’m sure it wouldn’t, so don’t settle for it in an old partner. It’s scary being alone sometimes, believe me I know. But I promise you deserve much better than this. You really deserve so much better.

There's nothing to try. He's coming back to you only because his affair has died a death and you are his second best, his old standby, his backup option. Is that all you want to be? Is that what you want to show your teenagers? Divorce him.

TWO YEARS?!

no, come on OP. This hurts but not the way spending the months and years longer wasted with this disgusting man will. Show your daughters you respect yourself more than this man has shown you how much he respects you.

two years. Jeez. How could he live with himself? So much deceit. Im sorry he’s done this to you. You deserve so much better.

That's up to you.
But for me would be over. I'm very puritanistic and self loving and require to be always the first priority

So, he loves her and supports her while turning his back on his family? He’s made his bed and can lie it in.

None of it is your fault or responsibility. He betrayed you, he broke your trust, he broke his vows, he broke the family and he walked away from his family.

Get legal advice. Don’t let him to guilt trip you. All the guilt is his.

He was only thinking of himself. He was living in a rented apartment and he missed home comforts, me being one of them. He was still seeing his affair partner after he came back. Of course I didn't know that. Initially he claimed he left but there wasn't someone else. Then it became clear that he was involved with a woman he met online who travelled hundreds of miles to meet up with him. He didn't really try when I took him back.

He will say whatever u need to hear to get what he wants !!
He will apologise he will cry he will do everything in his power to get what HE wants he doesn’t give a shit he has hurt u all these things point to a man that will cry to get what he wants he’s totally not giving u a chance to recover or what u want !
ACTIONS speak louder than words
I would suggest he acts like a man get a job and flat for himself then try and earn your trust by dating again and if he refuses there is your answer x

Hell no, stay strong OP!

OP, where is your anger? Your self-respect? He lied to you all for two years. Him crawling back is just part of the script they all follow.

If you want more of the same in a few years, then take him back. Or divorce him and start a new life free of this lying, weak man.

You seem determined to believe he’s suddenly back in love with you and wants to be with you and you only. The other woman left him, he doesn’t have a job, he just wants to use you. I bet as soon as you let him back she’ll be in contact with him and he’ll go racing back to her.

I've got a horrible feeling OP is looking for reasons to take him back.
Please don't.
If you have no respect for yourself, at least think how your daughters will be affected seeing you accept so little.
You said they can't look at him. At least give them one parent whose ethics they can respect.

He actually held a lot of their sexual meetings at the work place, on weekends and after work, which is why he lost his job. The job our children needed him to have for their security. It’s so sickening

Cut your losses and run. You'll never get over this as hard as you might try. It wasnt a one off night or just a few weeks it was two years. You'll never feel the same about him again.