My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

No he wasn’t living with her, they couldn’t be out in the open because of their jobs! He was living with his parents but he was at hers a hell of a lot!

Whether or not he loved her is not really relevant. He did not love and respect you during that period. He’s lost everything and sees you as the ‘easy’ option to get it all back.

Do you want to be with someone capable of such extensive lies? (He lived a double life for 2 whole years). How do you move forward & trust him after that. I couldn’t.

I think you have to show yourself and your DC the respect you and they deserve & tell EXH to sleep in the bed he’s made himself. In the long run you’ll be much happier. He hasn’t changed, his situation has.

It means that she has dumped him and he doesn't want to live alone and hasn't found anyone else, yet

He's a liar and will be off again at the first opportunity.

He may even still love you but the relationship is over. It's not your fault - this happens a lot. You are better than this to go back to him. You can easily move on and find someone else who will make you happy. Finding no-one would also make you far happier than being with him again

Why would you love someone like him - kick him out asap. He won’t change

Op. You know that this man can look you in the face and lie. You know that. You fell for it for two years. So when he says ‘he’s sorry’ he isn’t at all. He’s lying. What he means is he needs somewhere to live and you’ll do.

Of course hes sorry! Sorry that he got caught, that it's all blown up in his face!.

He's creeping back because he's lost everything and he has no respect for you, he thinks you are a doormat.

Hold your head high, be a good example to your daughters and tell him to fuck off.

He wasn't sorry for 2 years when he was cheating, lying, and destroying your marriage. He is only sorry now because his situation for himself isn't nice. He doesn't care about you or your daughters and the devastating impact he's had on you. Because if he did, he wouldn't say "I want to come back" and saying all the right things for that to happen. He would ask you and your daughters what you want and need. But frankly, I fear his motivations are just materialistic and he needs a roof above his head and a maid.

Im sorry but if you take him back, you are insane and are in for a life of misery. You will also be setting a terrible example to your children. He is talking bollocks and lying again. He doesn’t care about you, he just now needs a home and another mug - don’t let it be you again. You are better than this ❤️

He wants you back because the relationship he actually wanted has fallen through. He didn’t commit to her, she kicked him to the curb, so now he’s sloping back with his tail between his legs.

What on earth would taking him back bring you? You’d never trust him again, and your children will hate him and likely lose a lot of respect for you.

This isn’t your doing. It is his. He broke everything you had and now wants to rob you of the chance for you to carve out something new for yourself. Don’t let him mess your around yet again, you deserve so, so much more. Lean on the people that care about you, and find who you are without him. I’d bet you’ll really like her when she eventually comes to the surface and breaks through the hurt. Sending strength 💐

This is an absolute no brainer for me. Put your daughters above your repulsive husband and role model to them respect. If you take him back, they are highly likely to go on to have shit relationships themselves. If you don’t, they have a chance.,

It’s such a bloody cliche. The grass wasn’t greener so he’s back to use you. The ‘affectionate’ behaviour isn’t real op. He doesn’t love you. He is doing anything to secure his own position. You’d be a fool to take him back. Let him deal with consequences of his own choices. See a solicitor and make sure you come out of this financially secure too.

OP, he had a 2 year affair, which he only told you about, because the OW backed him into a corner and he was worried she'd tell you first. If this hadn't happened, the affair would still be ongoing, and you'd be none the wiser. Of course he wants to come back, he's lost his job and the OW is royally pissed off with him! He's coming back because it's easier, not because he's sorry! He's telling you, what he knows you want to hear. Yes, he'll go through the motions, even attend counselling, but ultimately he's not come back to you for the right reasons. Sadly, he will cheat again, because whatever made him cheat in the first place hasn't been resolved. Men who love their wife, and are happy and contented, don't cheat - it's that simple. He's turned your life upside down, emotionally hung you out to dry and hurt his children. If you take him back, you will go through this again further down the road, it will be harder and you will be angry at yourself for allowing it to happen again to you and your children. Pull up those big girl pants, and tell him No, he made his choice in having an affair, you won't be 2nd choice.

It means he is a master manipulator.

He's coming g back because she dumped him, if she hadn't then they'd still be together. Get rid, you deserve do much better.

Not a fucking chance I’d take him back.

he’s lied and cheated for the last 2 years.

no thank you, I have far too much respect for myself to let a lying cheating man back in my life. He’s made his bed.

I wouldn’t want my son thinking this is how to act while in a relationship or my daughter to think this is how women should be treated while in a relationship.

I've been in your position and it didn't end well. I took him back because I felt sorry for him. He didn't respect me and left after three months to go back to his affair partner. The message he left me was cold and cruel.
Please don't take him back. You owe it to yourself to hold your head high and live in dignity.

You could take him back BUT this betrayal is on a level you just don’t recover from, there are details that you now know that will haunt you for a long time to come. You are also currently in a state of shock, he may have left 6 months ago but you have only recently had answers and information as to why….so right now you are too busy reeling to really take that information in for what it really means for you and unprepared for just how angry you are going to be in time. I am sure you are angry right now, but the true depths of that anger only tends to surface once the shock starts to recede as you begin to truly process the depths of his betrayal, the lies, the dishonesty, the man he was for her vs the man he was for you etc it’s like peeling the layers of an onion, and that’s not just because it makes you cry.

I can totally understand wanting to forgive this husband and man that he was before all this, but that man is now gone. Ask yourself if you want the man that he is now? The man who has the capacity to lie, deceive, manipulate and betray? Is that what you want for yourself now?

I am so sorry that this has happened to you 💐

NOOOOOOOO!

He doesn’t WANT to come back to you. He’s unemployed, unloved and has fucked up his reputation and just wants a warm bed to sleep in at night.

Fuck that.

As soon as he has a new job, has a bit of money in his pocket and his confidence back, he’ll be flirting with the next victim and lying to you all over again.

Don’t do this to yourself, you’ll never trust him again, so what’s the point?

Absolutely not. It wasn’t a mistake, or a lapse in judgement. It was 2 years of choosing to lie to you, choosing to deceive you, choosing to do something he KNEW would hurt you. It was an active decision he made repeatedly, which demonstrates he has no respect for you or your family. That’s not love. I don’t see how you ever get past someone actively choosing to hurt you like that.

2 years is a long time. He no doubt has feelings for her. If you take him back there is a very high chance he was continue the affair with her and eventually leave with her. Believe me, I made the same mistake

What a nasty, manipulative man.
Don’t let him fool you again.
You deserve so much better and your children are watching.

Christ no, of course you don't take him back! Why would you? You'd never trust him again.

He wants you back because the woman he was seeing has cooled off. He can deal with that, he's out of your life now except as a co-parent.

Well of course he's sorry and it meant nothing, she's ended it with him and he's nowhere else to go. Do not have him back OP.

Are they still together?

Did he even try? He’s so good at the tears and begging, I’ve also stupidly felt sorry for him. He was such a good dad I can’t believe he would do this to them never mind me