My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Are you stupid? Of course it can't be repaired. Why is your self esteem that low that you would even consider taking him back after what he did to you and your family?

He wasn’t a good Dad . Good Dads don’t cheat on their children’s mother .
Good Dads don’t dump their families for another woman .

TWO YEARS!!! I could understand you CONSIDERING it if it was a one night stand, he confessed immediately and was full of remorse, but are you a complete mug?
Just no.

This happened to me although he didn't actually move out, he lived between the two of us and I didn't know.

We did try to keep going but it happened again and I deeply regret I didn't split from him completely the first time.

I did eventually kick him into touch and we split up for good.

Since then he lived with several other women, married one, she killed herself and he evenually died at 48 as a recovering alcoholic with another woman who was also a raging alcoholic with mental health issues.

Such a man doesn't see his wife even as an option. He thinks she's given.

Next time another woman appears, he'll be running off again to play happy families

Well he says he has but honestly how could you ever trust anything he said again?

I would be really surprised if it could go back to how it was before. I also think that being on your own for 6mnths will of made you a different person. You have spent 6mnths grieving for the lose of a husband and a relationship. The fact he has come straight back to you and wants to start talking about getting back together instead of building your trust, working as co-parents etc.... speaks volumes, like this isn't his choice and he's choosing you because she isn't an option anymore.

Something similar happened to someone I know. She didn't take him back, which I think was the right choice - it would never have been the same, the trust was gone. His relationship with his teen children sadly never recovered either.

She actually had an ego-boosting holiday romance and eventually met someone else. They've been married now for 20 years.

Yes sure take him back. Show your daughters this is how they should be treated - like dirt, self-respect out the window. Then when he’s back in your home are you going to let him back in your bed? For sure he’ll just be using your body and pretending you’re the other woman.

Wow you’re harsh! OP is in shock. No need to be so mean.

You don't believe so? Did you believe he would screw you over so badly in the first place? of course not. You can't believe anything he says because he systematically and repeatedly lied to you over and over again for TWO years! That's not a mistake on his part, it was calculated and cold blooded.

Kindly you'd be an absolute idiot to take this guy back and you'd be setting a very bad example to your daughters.

He is not who you thought he was and you'd never be able to fully trust him.

He wants you back because he has nothing and sees you as a gullible fool who he can manipulate.

Don't be his Plan B! you deserve so much more. Work through the pain and find a better life that you truly deserve.

It means she's dumped him

Don’t take him back.

I understand this! But he was slowly over the last couple of months coming back the the house and being affectionate and we slept together so I believe he was maybe starting to regret his choice. Although he was still seeing and sleeping with OW right up until 2 days before he confessed so he has confused me. I thought he was coming back to me and this was just a blip but now I know of the affair it’s blown my life apart.

This. My BIL had an affair with his wife's best friend. They both left this spouses and rented a flat. They played happy families with each others young adult children ( come and visit for tea and cake/ Sunday lunch bollocks) The OW went back to her husband after 6 months. BIL turned up at SILs house and didn't even bother with the ' I've been a fool speech'. He said " Jane's gone back to her husband and I don't want to be in the flat on my own so can I come home?"
She took him back and they've limped on ever since sucking the joy out of life. If only the other woman had put up with him for a year . SIL would have bought a new house, sorted the finances and but a new life . Don't take him back Op.Hes a shit

Absolutely fucking not.

You don’t believe so? How would you actually know?? He had an affair for TWO YEARS without you knowing.

I know a man....believe me. Plays roles to different people according to his needs , there are many men like that

Think about the reality of taking him back. You will be constantly on edge wondering whether he is in contact with her (or lining up someone else). Your friends and family will never truly like him again. His relationship with his daughters will be forever changed and they will respect you less for allowing him to treat you like an option. In turn this will shape how they view what is acceptable in a relationship.

He told you he didn’t love you anymore and left you. On top of that he was cheating on you and telling the OW he loved her. What he actually loved was the thrill and adoration. Once it was time to make it real he got cold feet because real wasn’t actually what he wanted. He didn’t want to have to start again and have someone different to live the day to day mundane life with food shops, bills, laundry.

Now he hopes he can convince you he’s sorry so he can go back to an easy life. His daughters will have to forgive him if you do. He doesn’t have to worry about divorce and the financial stress that will cause. He doesn’t have to pretend to be some wonderful fake version of himself for validation with the OW. He’s tired and bored of the mess he has created and wants you to sort it out for him. Crying to you like a child so you will make it all better for him. It’s what you represent that he loves — not you. He only loves himself in this scenario.

It’s hard to walk away from a marriage but in reality the hard part has already happened. He’s already destroyed you. From here on in it’s about healing the hurt he caused. It could take years but there is light at the end. However attempting to forgive him allows him time to get everyone on side and change the narrative whilst you slowly die inside. Then when you realise there is no way back in a few years time (or he doesn’t it again) you will regret the time you gave to him.

He doesn't love you. He's looking for a security blanket whilst he plans his next steps. Sorry

“I love him still”

how is that possible?

Of course you shouldn't take him back. Work on your self esteem and be a good example to your daughters. Nobody deserves a partner who treats them like that. He's a liar, a cheat and wildly irresponsible. You're better off without him.

I’m not one to actually condemn forgiving - I’ve done it before, just like I’ve also left cheaters before - but the amount of deception that it takes to carry on a 2 year affair… you’d never have peace again in your mind if you just let him back.

If you’re really, really struggling and you want to see if there’s still anything there, at the very least I would treat it like a new relationship and go from there, absolutely not letting him just breeze back into the (former)family home.

I’d also look into what actually happened. He won’t be telling anyone the full story.

What do your daughters think?

So he was going between the two of you and sleeping with both of you?

You need to get an STI check

Btw, this is absolutely the nail in the coffin that he cares about you. He absolutely doesn't.