Page 40 | My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

Thescornedwife · 2025-10-25T09:03:46+00:00

This is a hard question to even write, I am crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore. This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet. Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah! He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening! I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

MousseMousse · 27/10/2025 19:30

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 27/10/2025 19:02

Trying to understand WHY a cheater cheated is very common and normal. Chump Lady calls it "untangling the skein". She advises not to do this, that the betrayed spouse will never understand because they're simply not built like a cheater mentally, and that instead of trying to untangle the skein and going mad in the process (and wasting ever more energy and time), the betrayed spouse should simply be thinking, "Is this acceptable to me?"

But I understand that it's very difficult to get to that clear stage so early on, so you'll likely be untangling the skein for a bit.

In relation to this, you mentioned "My family hate him and he had lied before about gambling and money and things"

This suggests that long before you discovered the affair, he has behaved in other dishonourable, sly, and dishonest ways.

It sounds like right now, you're thinking that because the consequences of his cheating are so stunningly enormous, he must be simply "foolish", which leads to thinking "he made a mistake". Which leads to some sort of forgivenness, "we all make mistakes" etc.

My reading is that it wasn't a mistake, he just thought he could get away with it, because he's gotten away with other things before. That btw could include another affair. This one may not be the only one. His fluid lying during this whole saga supports this - it seems practiced. He certainly had no qualms about telling these thousands of lies.

I suggest that before you assume that he never did this before, it was a one off, he was overcome with limerence, he compartmentalised so well that his left hand didn't know what his right hand was doing - consider the possibility that he might be a fundamentally dishonest person who has gotten by in life by lying and sneaking about, and just got caught this time.

And btw, it seems that you're basing your thinking on what he's told you. Cheaters lie and manipulate. That's what they do. Be careful not to base your thinking on info coming from the cheater.

Excellent post

MarianaMonterey · 27/10/2025 19:31

Thescornedwife · 27/10/2025 17:32

Wow, how dare you! Would you like to speak to my children who are distraught and let them know your thoughts! The audacity! Please do not comment any more on my thread when I have daughters and myself sitting with a devastating blow. I blame HER AND HIM! But he is our family and she’s isn’t so I can at least give a bit of grace on that. Only a little though. I would have to categorically NOT love my husband to have an affair! END OF STORY! That’s the realisation I am having to come to today! How can he love me and do all of this at the same time? It’s been 2 years, not a one night stand drunk or something like that.

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I posted (knowing people would come at me) because I believe you have the right to make an awful, life-changing decision based on expert advice, research and information, as well as the opinions of strangers on the internet.

You have every right to be angry and protect your daughters. I’m sorry you are facing this and I apologise for causing you distress. I won’t post again and I hope you find your peace.

Lifeislove · 27/10/2025 19:32

Thescornedwife · 27/10/2025 19:09

Well no, he told me that

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Then I would discount it. They lie. They're really, really good at it. I write from experience. I always fell for the lies too.
Probably because I wanted them to be true.
And he knew just what to say.

I'm going to post the paragraph I posted previously upthread. When I read it, it finally 'saved' me and it's just stuck in my head. I wish I'd read more than 3 decades ago.

"A lie is an assumption of power over another. A lie is an assault that attacks not only the dignity of the other person but also their physical and mental well-being.
A lie steals power from the one deceived. It reduces their alternatives.
It causes the betrayed person to act as they never would have acted had they known the truth.
A liar deliberately feeds inaccurate information, and when there are children, the lies reverberate in their lives as well."

and BTW I think you're coping really well

Original poster

Thescornedwife · 27/10/2025 19:43

Lifeislove · 27/10/2025 19:32

Then I would discount it. They lie. They're really, really good at it. I write from experience. I always fell for the lies too.
Probably because I wanted them to be true.
And he knew just what to say.

I'm going to post the paragraph I posted previously upthread. When I read it, it finally 'saved' me and it's just stuck in my head. I wish I'd read more than 3 decades ago.

"A lie is an assumption of power over another. A lie is an assault that attacks not only the dignity of the other person but also their physical and mental well-being.
A lie steals power from the one deceived. It reduces their alternatives.
It causes the betrayed person to act as they never would have acted had they known the truth.
A liar deliberately feeds inaccurate information, and when there are children, the lies reverberate in their lives as well."

and BTW I think you're coping really well

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I wish I was coping really well! I’m better today than I have been, I know that much ❤️

OP posts:

LemonLeaves · 27/10/2025 19:43

MarianaMonterey · 27/10/2025 19:31

I posted (knowing people would come at me) because I believe you have the right to make an awful, life-changing decision based on expert advice, research and information, as well as the opinions of strangers on the internet.

You have every right to be angry and protect your daughters. I’m sorry you are facing this and I apologise for causing you distress. I won’t post again and I hope you find your peace.

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What expertise are you offering the OP? Apart from your direct experience of shagging someone else's husband.

Arlanymor · 27/10/2025 19:44

LemonLeaves · 27/10/2025 19:43

What expertise are you offering the OP? Apart from your direct experience of shagging someone else's husband.

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Also having been asked: 'Please do not comment any more on my thread.'

And did just that...

It comes from a place of self-justification - someone sees public condemnation of their own actions and tries to insert herself, not out of empathy, but out of ego-protection. She's a complex, misunderstood person. She's not bad. And he's not bad. It's complicated. None of us could possibly understand. It's not mucky and deceitful... it's a moral compromise. But we're all dumb and don't breathe the rarified air of someone who thinks so little of others and only of herself.

KrustyFrosty · 27/10/2025 19:44

How awful for you. Two years… that’s 730 days he’s woken up and decided to carry on his affair, he could have backed out at any point. He’s come back to you because you are safety, not because he has chosen you. If you were to take him back, it would haunt you continuously. Best to draw the line here and move forward with your head held high.

LemonLeaves · 27/10/2025 19:45

OP, I've read your updates - I really hope you continue to find your anger, and use it to help gather your fire and your self-respect. Nobody deserves the crumbs from the table. This is your one precious life; don't waste it on someone that doesn't value and appreciate you.

Original poster

Thescornedwife · 27/10/2025 19:47

Lifeislove · 27/10/2025 19:32

Then I would discount it. They lie. They're really, really good at it. I write from experience. I always fell for the lies too.
Probably because I wanted them to be true.
And he knew just what to say.

I'm going to post the paragraph I posted previously upthread. When I read it, it finally 'saved' me and it's just stuck in my head. I wish I'd read more than 3 decades ago.

"A lie is an assumption of power over another. A lie is an assault that attacks not only the dignity of the other person but also their physical and mental well-being.
A lie steals power from the one deceived. It reduces their alternatives.
It causes the betrayed person to act as they never would have acted had they known the truth.
A liar deliberately feeds inaccurate information, and when there are children, the lies reverberate in their lives as well."

and BTW I think you're coping really well

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Plus I seen a message after I found out that he sent to her declaring his love and that he was playing me for the kids so I suppose I’ll never know what he says about her is true or not

OP posts:

cloudtreecarpet · 27/10/2025 19:49

MarianaMonterey · 27/10/2025 19:31

I posted (knowing people would come at me) because I believe you have the right to make an awful, life-changing decision based on expert advice, research and information, as well as the opinions of strangers on the internet.

You have every right to be angry and protect your daughters. I’m sorry you are facing this and I apologise for causing you distress. I won’t post again and I hope you find your peace.

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How terribly kind and helpful you are.

Have you also extended this "advice" to the women whose husband you are happily and knowingly screwing behind her back?

I'm sure she would find it just as useful as the OP did.
Ps he'll probably cheat on you one day

CrazyGoatLady · 27/10/2025 19:53

MarianaMonterey · 27/10/2025 17:02

I am affair partner of 23 months. He believes he loves his wife. (I say believes because there are people who will say he can’t possibly love her if he’s having an affair. I genuinely believe he loves her, and so does he). You can have a two year affair and love your spouse. I’m not saying your betraying spouse loves you - there are important differences and I think it’s unlikely, but I am saying it’s possible for loving spouses to betray.

Affairs rarely turn into successful relationships. You should not take the failure of the affair as proof of anything but the naivety of both of them thinking that their relationship would be the same once they moved in together.

When I found out he was married, I learned everything I could about affairs, because I couldn’t understand how someone who seemed liked such a good person, who clearly loves his wife, who really isn’t a piece of shit, could do that to her. What I knew he was doing simply didn’t fit with everything else I knew. And most of what people think they know is wrong. There is a LOT of stigma and judgement around affairs, for obvious reasons. So I would be very wary about taking the advice of anyone on this thread. Particularly anyone who says you ‘should’ categorically do one thing or another. I encourage you to source your own knowledge from people with either personal experience or actual expertise and base your decision on that. I’m telling you this because I genuinely think it could help you to feel better about your marriage and make the right decision for you.

You are tone fucking deaf to post this here. How dare you.

Missj25 · 27/10/2025 19:54

MousseMousse · 27/10/2025 18:45

@Thescornedwife it's understandable that you still feel in love with him, it's only been a few days after all.

But im pretty sure (as a complete stranger) that you're in love with the person you thought he was, and you understandably want your life back the way it seemed.

Here he is: apologising, looking vulnerable and saying the right things and it looks so easy for things to go back the way they were...

Except, the way you thought they were wasn't reality. You didn't have the husband you thought you did, you didn't have the marriage or family you thought you had, because he threw it away all that time ago.

That's the betrayal. Not just that he cheated, not just that he left you, but that he let you think you had something good in your life when you didn't. It was a fantasy.

Now just when you find out, he's there begging for it go back to how you imagined it was.

It really does a number on you. What a headf*ck.

So you're right when you say it would seem easy to take him back, but you think it would never be the same, because it wouldn't. And it hasn't been for a long time.

So when you entertain the what-ifs about taking him back and working on your marriage, be clear sighted about what the end result is, because chances are it will never be what you're hoping for.

And then think back to younger you. Would younger you want to find yourself in a relationship like this? Would you want it for your daughters?

Because you deserve no less than they do.

If you take him back, as is your right, then you need to be clear about the reality - you won't get the fantasy. This isn't to say, don't do it - but it would be cruel to convince yourself it would be like it never happened.

Will you be content with what the reality is of a continuing marriage with him? That's the only real question that needs answering.

None of us can answer for you. Either way, you need to grieve the end of what you once had before you can move forward.

I will say don't rush to take him back, he'll be hanging around for a while which gives you time to process things and work out what you want. Then if you decide to work on things you can do so with a clearer head.

Just don't stay with him because you fear the alternative.

Edited

I think this advice is really good OP …

UpMyself · 27/10/2025 19:57

@MarianaMonterey Have you no self-respect?

mayGodhelpusall · 27/10/2025 19:59

Your daughter is an idiot. Age-dependent ofc. If she's like 5 I can understand.

Arlanymor · 27/10/2025 19:59

mayGodhelpusall · 27/10/2025 19:59

Your daughter is an idiot. Age-dependent ofc. If she's like 5 I can understand.

Erm... think you have posted this on the wrong thread?

Lifeislove · 27/10/2025 20:05

LemonLeaves · 27/10/2025 19:43

What expertise are you offering the OP? Apart from your direct experience of shagging someone else's husband.

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I think it's the Esther Perel take on it.
Actually, a lot of what she (EP) says is valid. What EP doesn't acknowledge is the effect save of infidelity on the betrayed spouse. No acknowledgment of Infidelity PTSD , the trauma, the whole nightmare that leads to MH breakdowns of the betrayed spouse and so on.
Chump Lady Tracey Schorn does though. And Dr Minwalla in his writings about Secret Sexual basements

I read a lot of EP a year on after my divorce and her writings/ views helped re-establish my self esteem. I wouldn't recommend reading her intellectualising about 'Otherness' and affair dynamics until you're well past the initial shock and trauma. Her writings cause more damage at that stage.
my self esteem had been destroyed, literally smashed to smithereens but I did get it back in time.

Beachtastic · 27/10/2025 20:10

MarianaMonterey · 27/10/2025 17:02

I am affair partner of 23 months. He believes he loves his wife. (I say believes because there are people who will say he can’t possibly love her if he’s having an affair. I genuinely believe he loves her, and so does he). You can have a two year affair and love your spouse. I’m not saying your betraying spouse loves you - there are important differences and I think it’s unlikely, but I am saying it’s possible for loving spouses to betray.

Affairs rarely turn into successful relationships. You should not take the failure of the affair as proof of anything but the naivety of both of them thinking that their relationship would be the same once they moved in together.

When I found out he was married, I learned everything I could about affairs, because I couldn’t understand how someone who seemed liked such a good person, who clearly loves his wife, who really isn’t a piece of shit, could do that to her. What I knew he was doing simply didn’t fit with everything else I knew. And most of what people think they know is wrong. There is a LOT of stigma and judgement around affairs, for obvious reasons. So I would be very wary about taking the advice of anyone on this thread. Particularly anyone who says you ‘should’ categorically do one thing or another. I encourage you to source your own knowledge from people with either personal experience or actual expertise and base your decision on that. I’m telling you this because I genuinely think it could help you to feel better about your marriage and make the right decision for you.

Oh, don't be daft. And I've never said that on MN before.

Beachtastic · 27/10/2025 20:13

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 27/10/2025 17:40

It sounds like you have fallen for a cheats lies too. No he doesn’t love his wife. He doesn’t love you either. He is not a good person at all. He is a nasty manipulative wanker who is happy to ruin lives for his own selfish desires.

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Takes one to know one, as they say...

mayGodhelpusall · 27/10/2025 20:15

Arlanymor · 27/10/2025 19:59

Erm... think you have posted this on the wrong thread?

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I don't think so..didn't the OP say her youngest (daugher) symapthises with him?

mayGodhelpusall · 27/10/2025 20:16

mayGodhelpusall · 27/10/2025 20:15

I don't think so..didn't the OP say her youngest (daugher) symapthises with him?

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I apologize for the God-awful spelling there. Christ.

Arlanymor · 27/10/2025 20:27

mayGodhelpusall · 27/10/2025 20:16

I apologize for the God-awful spelling there. Christ.

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Oh sorry I read it as a standalone thing - this website is reloading and reloading for me tonight so I might have missed something. Sorry. This reloading issue is driving me slowly bonkers!

Arlanymor · 27/10/2025 20:30

Lifeislove · 27/10/2025 20:05

I think it's the Esther Perel take on it.
Actually, a lot of what she (EP) says is valid. What EP doesn't acknowledge is the effect save of infidelity on the betrayed spouse. No acknowledgment of Infidelity PTSD , the trauma, the whole nightmare that leads to MH breakdowns of the betrayed spouse and so on.
Chump Lady Tracey Schorn does though. And Dr Minwalla in his writings about Secret Sexual basements

I read a lot of EP a year on after my divorce and her writings/ views helped re-establish my self esteem. I wouldn't recommend reading her intellectualising about 'Otherness' and affair dynamics until you're well past the initial shock and trauma. Her writings cause more damage at that stage.
my self esteem had been destroyed, literally smashed to smithereens but I did get it back in time.

Show quote history

You're right, it is.

EP is a cheating apologist and those who cheat venerate her as a goddess. Because of course they would. She also does a whole heap of victim blaming...

OhFeyreDarling · 27/10/2025 20:49

mayGodhelpusall · 27/10/2025 19:59

Your daughter is an idiot. Age-dependent ofc. If she's like 5 I can understand.

Not particularly nice or helpful, OPs daughter is a young teen who's just trying to make sense of a very grown up situation she can't even begin to grasp. She just misses her dad, and probably been fed some sob story by him too.

Of all the things you could have posted you chose to call this ladys daughter an idiot, well done 👏

Beachtastic · 27/10/2025 21:00

Arlanymor · 27/10/2025 20:30

You're right, it is.

EP is a cheating apologist and those who cheat venerate her as a goddess. Because of course they would. She also does a whole heap of victim blaming...

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I can't stand her and have never been able to watch any of her stuff for more than 3 minutes. I've never tried to articulate why, but I think it has to do with her emphasis on sexual attraction and romance, when anyone who has ever experience real love (as I finally did, after half a century!) knows perfectly well that this is all utter meaningless bullshit.

Arlanymor · 27/10/2025 21:00

Beachtastic · 27/10/2025 21:00

I can't stand her and have never been able to watch any of her stuff for more than 3 minutes. I've never tried to articulate why, but I think it has to do with her emphasis on sexual attraction and romance, when anyone who has ever experience real love (as I finally did, after half a century!) knows perfectly well that this is all utter meaningless bullshit.

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Totally agree with you.