My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Don’t take him back unless you want more of the same.

Someone who is capable of an affair is a liar and they don’t change.

Get a grip OP.
Two years.
He's utter scum.
Destroyed your children's childhood forever.
They will NEVER get over this.
And you want to take him back?
Find some self respect and think of the message you are modelling to those poor girls.
Forget about him and focus on your children and the shame, humiliation and confusion he has rained down upon them.

Is this what you want for your daughters?
A loser like their father?
Do better so they can too.

For you, he is that comfy pair of slippers that (you thought) you knew. He ripped your life apart and you want your life back - I get it. For him, you are his (previous) safe haven that has now become any port in a storm. Please prove to him that you do not have the letters ‘Em, You, Gee’ tattooed on your forehead.

Are you prepared to let him back into your life, knowing what a selfish person he is; to constantly be on your guard; never being able to trust; living with the anxiety of knowing he could do it again; to know he can lie and cheat as easily as breathing?

Tell him to find another job to support his children.
Get an STI check.
Seek counselling about how best to separate from your cheating, disgusting husband and come out strong.

Realistically I think your marriage is over- he has been in a committed & close relationship with someone else for a prolonged period now & is seeking to return to the family home as a convenience at a difficult time. Like a university student coming home to mum when he argues with his actual girlfriend.

Basically, he’s somebody else’s (ex) boyfriend now, not your husband in any meaningful sense (despite the continuing legal tie).

But I appreciate splitting up, looking after children alone, etc, is very hard & distressing & that you want to feel you have tried everything.

Rather than allowing him back, though, why don’t you tell him to rent somewhere, & treat each other as separated, but agree to have marriage counselling for say 6 months and see where it leads? The focus in this process should not be on getting together again, but on working out what you want for the future, together or apart. If together, what will that look like? How can he rebuild trust?

During this period he should really not be contacting you, coming round being affectionate, regretful etc. That just creates huge emotional disturbance when you need to be focusing on re-building a life, probably without him. It’s totally unfair on you to pass the burden of his emotions to you like this. The only contact should be in the counselling sessions and as suggested by the counsellor outside those sessions.

If the result of the counselling is divorce, I hope the counselling will give you strength to understand you can do a lot better than this very weak, self indulgent, lying, dishonest man- who has let you down, let your children down, and also let his girlfriend down. He is a serial betrayer of women.

I don’t think it’s mean.

Sometimes these things need pointing out in black and white fashion.

The OP is considering taking back someone who thinks nothing of her or her feelings, has possibly put her health at risk and has lost his ability to provide financially for his family. She must be bloody mad.

If I was you I would be playing him at his own game. Say you want to try again but need proof he is with you because he loves you not the security. Tell him you want to divorce — he gives you the house and the financial security you need. If he’s being honest about trying again and it isn’t just convenient then you can look to start a new relationship but one where you hold the cards (and the house!)

He doesn’t want you. He wants your money, a clean comfortable bed, sex if it’s on offer or can be bought with a little false affection.
Time to show your daughters what a strong Women looks like and kick this piece of dross to the curb. Show your daughters how to have self respect and value themselves, that you, and they are worth far more than any man who shows the kind of contempt he has displayed towards you all.
Hold your head high and practice the words “not good enough for us” and repeat them to him whenever he tries it on or cries that he is ‘sorry’. If you believe his lies now, your daughters will lose all respect for you.

He deceived you for 2 years and financially affected the family by gambling with his job, money that could have been spend on your children was spent on the other woman. He risked your sexual health. You would be insane to take him back. I feel like you will because you had to ask MN. You should be so angry.

He wants couple counselling but I’m worried that they will be always on the side of reconciliation and I’ll be bullied into staying

He wants somewhere to stay and he feels sorry for himself, not for what hes done to you and your kids. How could he possibly love you and do that to you at the same time? For two years!! Hes not an honest man and his tears are only for himself.

Would i fuck want to take him.back. Divorce him. I sort of think the fact you're even considering taking him back means he'll wear you down though. I hope he doesnt. You deserve so much more than him.

You can miss someone without needing to have them back in your life

He hasn’t got one ounce of conscience over all of this and he’s perfectly willing to play you all to get what he wants. If you allow this utter bastard back in to your life, you will do your daughters emotional harm. This is the perfect time to show your daughters how a woman deals with a lying, cheating piece of scum.

A person who could do this - the lies, the inappropriate conduct...whilst having made a commitment to you is no good ...he risked your health and future.

None of his trying to return is about love.. its about insurance.

He has a place to stay, with parents so no need to feel sorry for him, he can rebuild his life from there.

Start to see yourself healing and not returning to a souce of hurt. 🍀💐

So sorry you are going through this OP. I think you have to see in time that just because you do feel sorry for him and do love him that it doesn't automatically mean you should get back with him.

Those feelings can exist and you can still decide it is in your best interest to not have a relationship with him.

It will be incredibly hard to trust him even having him in your life as the father of your daughters because the deceit is so extensive and long standing.

if you haven't already I would reach out for some real life counselling and support for you to help you through this.

Everyone will tell you not to even entertain the idea of forgiving him but no-one except you knows your heart. Do you feel your life would be better with or without him, knowing that you will probably always carry trust issues moving forward.
What I definitely wouldn't do is rush a decision. Give yourself time and space to start healing, tell him you need that and watch how he acts during this time.
Good luck.

Noo!! Do not take him back. It's going to be hard but he's only crawling back because they got found out and she had enough. So he's only got you left to try and worm his way back. He didn't love you when he just up and left. You're right, it is sickening.

This says it all. I’m so sorry, OP. If you took him back, he might leave you, or he might not if a suitable opportunity didn’t come up. We can’t predict the future.

But what you know for certain is that he lies, cheats, walks out on his family and treats you as a disposable back-up. He came back because his other plans fell apart.

You and your children deserve better.

Two years is enough to end things with immediate effect.

I'm usually for keeping the family together. Not in situations like this though.

I would sit down with your daughters, and tell them that although you loved your husband very much, he has betrayed you and you can no longer trust him. And that you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering if he’s cheating again. Which he probably will be…. But also stress that he is their dad and that doesn’t change anything. Thwt they can see him anytime they like, but that he is not coming to the house, and you are not taking him back.
He chose his path two years ago. Now she’s left him he’s fed up at his parents and wants his home comforts. Stay strong. It sends a really clear message to your girls that women don’t need to accept this rubbish.

A Hard No to his suggestion of couples counselling as well. He just wants to use you because you are respectable.

You’ll take him back!

Otherwise, you wouldn’t be posting on here.

You are looking for someone to say “Take him back, he’s sorry.”

He only slept with you/wants to come back because he doesn’t want to be by himself. He’s a liar and cheat and is using you.

Time to have some self respect and tell him to jog on. Show your girls what a strong woman looks like.

hobosexual - someone who pursues romantic relationships mainly for financial support or housing rather than genuine affection. They are known for charming their way into hearts and homes for a rent-free ride and a steady flow of resources. The homosexual feels entitled to your residence, income, and domestic labor in exchange for nothing more than the dubious privilege of their company.

If you find a good counsellor this should not be the case. But the fact that you are worried about being bullied says a lot & is very concerning - it seems you do not have space to ‘breathe’ or identify your feelings in the face of an onslaught from him aimed at getting back in the home.

This suggests to me you probably need individual counselling - to rebuild self esteem and identify your own wishes- during a further period of separation while he lives elsewhere and there is no suggestion he returns to your home. And that you need to put in place firm barriers to stop him contacting you during that period.

You really need a break from this horrible man who has let you down & is now putting you under huge emotional pressure. The more you say the worse he sounds.

Sod what he wants. What do you want for yourself? And not just because he is all you have known and it is daunting to think about a different life.
He had lied repeatedly OVER TWO YEARS. How can you keep your self respect if you take him back after that.
Even though it may feel impossible, try taking one step at a time towards a new life without him. There is no rush and you can do it.